31/12/2002

 
Say WHAT Jim?!!?

Today at the MCG Marvan Attapatu was fielding for Sri Lanka against Australia A. Quoth Little Jimmy Brayshaw....

"Attapatu has saved around 15 to 20 runs off his own bat."


I suppose the batsman MAAAYYY have borrowed Marvan's bat. I'd suggest the most likely explanation was that Marvan was batting and fielding at the same time.
 
Looks like there's Trouble in the Philippines.

Who You Gonna Call?



Moms I'd Like to Find. Sounds promising. Hope they subcontract.
 
The After Grog Blog Picayune - Word spreads!

According to a Dividing Church minister it's now a Media Outlet....

Uniting Church minister Bev Fabb, who was at the Port Hedland centre on Sunday afternoon, said detainees were angry about recent Media Reports that likened detention centres to five-star hotels.


Burning bushes. Black-eyed Virgins. Resurrections. Religious people NEVER make things up.




30/12/2002

 
"Ohhhhh, the Pain!"



Long time Melbourne Cricket Club (MCC) member, the recently dead inter-galactically famous Doctor Zacchary Smith, was today pictured cheering Australia home to VICTORY in the Fourth Test at Melbourne. Fully aware that Australia have traditionally made light work of chasing lowish totals, Dr Smith was surprised to find his characteristic sang-froid rudely upset by the continual clatter of wickets as Australia tentatively approached the last day target of 107.

The Doctor, somewhat agitated at the home side's struggle for runs during the pre-lunch session was at one point asked for his opinion of Matthew Hayden's intemperate dismissal off the first ball of the day. A perturbed Dr Smith replied, "He's a Bubble-Headed Booby".

Fortunately for Dr Smith, my coffee cup and the TV remote control, Australia managed to conquer yet another cricketing Everest and thus register their 33rd victory under Steve Waugh. Waugh has now become the most successful captain in Australian cricket history.

Dr Smith, however, was less congratulatory. When asked for his opinion of Waugh after the captain's erratic batting performances, dubious first innings declaration and charitable offer to ask England to bat again he was quoted as saying; "A Broken-down Has Been".

Thus echoing the thoughts of many an Australian cricket fan.

29/12/2002

 
While I'm on the Sunday Fuckin' Age there's a piece today from my favourite sports journo, the previously linked Leaping Larry L. It's a collection of the years best sports quotes. Unfortunately it's not online so here are a few samplers....

First a terrific sledge for morning radio dud Gary Honey from St Kilda ruckman Peter Everitt....

"Gary Honey does that breakfast show with Kevin Bartlett. There's 403 games of football knowledge there. He wouldn't know diddley-shit about football"


Gary Honey, a Silver medallist in the long-jump at the Redless 1984 Olympics was spectacularly unsuitable as a radio talk-back personality. Seemed to me his only talent was for hanging up on callers who disagreed with him. Kevin Bartlet played 403 games for Richmond. As our American friends say: You do the math! Did I say WAS unsuited? My mail is that Honey won't be back next year.
The next comes from Aussie soccer pundit Johnny Warren after the Saudis were flogged 8-1 by Germany at the World Cup....

"Saudi Arabia - A disgrace to their country, to their sport, and to the continent of Asia"


I wasn't aware Johnny had a handle on the bigger picture. Then there's Gary Bloom at the World Phoodboll cup referring to a saucy looking Brazilian fan....

"If she was made of chocolate, she'd eat herself"


Chocolate saucy? Porno-choc? Leapster's Silver Medallist is not strictly a quote, but funny never the less. It's a sign being held up by a fan at WWE Raw....

THE GUY BEHIND ME CAN'T SEE


What Leapster didn't mention was that the guy behind the guy behind the guy with the sign had a sign that read....

I HATE SIGNS


Supoib! However, I was a bit disappointed with Leapster's choice of Gold! Gold! Gold! which was this one from player huckster manager Ron Joseph about the players after their coach, Dennis Pagan, had quit The Kangaroos for the peace and serenity of Optus Oval....

"They're as flat as a shit-carter's hat"


C'mon Leapster, that saying's been around since Adam was a rolling stone boy. On a personal note, my favourite was one I Mentioned Yesterday. It's a cunning part of my plan for Aussie Rules world domination.
 
Even in Sydney there's no escaping the inescapable. The Sunday Socialist is the most biased paper in Australia! On Page 3 there's THIS! On page 14 there's THIS! BUT! The only mention of the state government is THIS....

A parliamentary committee has recommended that the links between begging, homelessness, drug use and poverty be investigated, and the government is expected to respond by March.


No criticism at all and blithe acknowledgement of YET ANOTHER enquiry! If Jeff Kennett was still in power there'd be an attribution of blame in BOTH headlines and in EVERY paragraph!

Why the hell do I buy it??? Oh yeah. THIS!

UPDATE: Seems I wasn't the only one onto the Sunday Age's usual Resource Wasting.

28/12/2002

 
J.J "Dyn-Ohhh-mite" Ray has a Fair Point about our stay-at-home pals in the Old Dart. Harsh. But fair.

That the British are inherently less promising material for conservatives than are Americans, however, I do not doubt. For hundreds of years the more enterprising and independent Brits have been emigrating to Britain’s daughter countries in North America, Australasia and Africa. We now have much evidence (e.g. Lake et al., 2000) that personality is one of the many human traits that are genetically inherited so it is no surprise that the descendants of the Brits who remained at home in Britain should be more inclined to suck on the teat of the Welfare State.


Yep, no doubt about that. In fact as I type this while watching the cricket I can see 2000 enterprising and independant (E&I) Brits singing and chanting and building parasols out of empty plastic beer containers in Bay 13. I can hear one on the rayjo too. Noted E&I bath-dodger, Spanky Roebuck, is waxing lyrical about life downunder.

There are, of course, the salient exceptions. John Farnham comes stomach-churningly to mind. So too the big-toothed, big-haired, testicularly deprived Boi Jois. Jimmy "Fuckin" Barnes anyone? NO THANKS! Jesus, don't scream!

Then there's the fact that every factory I've ever been into has a shooop-steward from Barnsley, Bolton or Burnley. But unfortunately not Barnstoneworth.

So, while I generally subscribe to the fact that your standard cod'n'chips eating, dag-on-the-arse-of-progress Pom tends to stay at home, more than once have they stepped off the 10 pound passage steamer to pollute our airwaves or call a snap strike due to lack of strawberry ice-cream in the canteen.
 
GABBA GOLD

First, a helpful heads-up to any foreign readers because this post will probably make even less sense than usual. If that's at all possible.

Anyway, it's about Aussie Rules, or Rules Football as you American time-out taking, stopping, starting, helmet wearing, padding protected nancy boys are prone to call it. If it's any help I'll try to assist y'all by stating that ONE GOAL is worth SIX POINTS and ONE BEHIND is worth ONE POINT. However, ONE POINT is often called ONE BEHIND, but conversely, ONE BEHIND is often called ONE POINT. The overall score is kept in POINTS. This amounts to the total value of all GOALS (Six Points) and BEHINDS (One Point) scored. The total is NOT to be referred to as BEHINDS! Unless NO GOALS have been scored. Geographically the BEHINDS, or POINTS, are located on either side of the GOALS which are located at either end of the ground. Which is normal. Get the picture? Good.

What's that your saying?...."If you don't get to the POINT soon I'll kick you in the BEHIND!"

Now you're getting it. Well, here....

I've just watched That Was The Season That Was on the Fox Footy Channel. Yeah, I know. It's the middle of summer. Pathetic! Anyway, I've just seen again this magic exchange from the Sunday (That's a day Steve) Arvo Channel Nine footy team at the Gabba (Short for Wooloongabba, Brisbane's home stadium) earlier this year. The three commentators were Gerard Healy, Dermott Brereton and Dennis "Centimeter Perfect" Commetti.

Gerard Healy - "Dermott, I got a letter the other day from a lady who wanted to know why a behind isn't called a beside."

Dermott Brereton - "Errrrr, good point."

ENCORE! ENCORE!

Amazingly neither Dermott, Gerard or Dennis realized that Dermott had accidentally tripped over a line of rare beauty.

Now, for anyone out there who doesn't understand Aussie Rules, that should be perfectly clear.

27/12/2002

 
Bizarre Article Alert!

Today in The Age (Where else?) English lemon sucking journalist Kevin "Bloody" Mitchell has penned one of the more Ludicrous Whinges ever committed to chip wrapping. In an article accusing the Australian press of unsportsmanlike triumphalism Wilson manages to take a swipe not just at our cricket culture, but our politics as well. I was going to Fisk it but that would require me to eventually reprint the whole thing. No blog in existence would allow me that kind of space. So here's a little taste....

It is the country whose prime minister, with an approval rating of 58 per cent, believes in Santa Claus and George W. Bush but not so fervently in the humane treatment of refugees or the indigenous population.


Remember, it started as an article about cricket. I'm not suggesting we haven't got our fair share of idiotarian journalists, but really, people in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked. To think this bit of gear comes from a journalist in a country where THIS was once a headline....

ACHTUNG FRITZ



That classy piece of work appeared prior to an England soccer international against Germany. It was accompanied by a picture of Paul Gascoigne in a German coal-scuttle helmet. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We must NEVER lose to England in cricket! John Howard must enact a jail term for any Aussie cricket team feeble enough to lose to them.

Update: It's a quarter to six and Tim Lane just mentioned this article on the radio. To the joyous acclaim of the English members of the press gallery.

26/12/2002

 
England - Caught Left - Bowled Right

Today in The Australian English academic Neil Clark asks why English cricket is so "astonishingly bad" and offers up some reasons as being....

an unholy alliance between right-wing Thatcherites and politically correct loony leftists who dominated the British political landscape at a national and local level for much of the 1980s


Apparently because in trying to rebuild England after the excesses and union craziness of the 70's....

the Thatcher government, ideologically obsessed with cutting public spending regardless of the social cost, directed local education authorities to sell off their sports and playing fields to raise revenue


Also proffered is the contribution of Britain's looney left....

For these political correctness pioneers, all competitive sport was bad because it inevitably led to some people winning and others losing. And that would never do in a world where we should not only start equal but finish equal too, regardless of our particular skills or aptitudes. In council after council where they held control, the loony Left erased all competitive sports from the curriculum, and in doing so deprived millions of largely working-class children of the opportunity of participating in school sports


Sounds a bit like the Cain/Kirner gang. Failure bad. VCE good. No-one fails. But I digress; Clark also cites Tony Blair's government as being culpable....

In the aftermath of the 1997 general election, though, it did look as if sanity would finally prevail. The Labour Party, after all, had made an unequivocal election pledge "to reverse the Tory policy of forced sell-offs of school playing fields".


Promises, promises. Non-core promises, no doubt. Because....

Under New Labour, school playing fields are being sold off at a record rate of one a week. Rather than reversing Tory policy, Blair has accelerated it.


C'mon down Premier John Brumby. Keep up Kennett's good work. Sorry. Digressing again. And finally....

Our politicians, of all political persuasions, certainly have a lot to answer for.


The last comment that attributes blame to a variety of causes makes Peter "Spanky" Roebuck’s comments today seem all the more bitter stupid.

He was asked by Jim Maxwell if he’d read Clark’s article in ”The National Tabloid” and if so whether English cricket’s problems really HAD stemmed from Thatcher and looneys. He didn't even have the chance to get to Blair because Spanky didn’t give him the chance. Jumping into this lefty riff....

“Yes of course Thatcher ruined English cricket. In fact she ruined English society as well!”

Thanks for the political vox pop Spanky. Stick to the cricket please. I look forward to a generous concession that Tony Blair’s ruining England faster.
 
Feeling a trifle seedy today folks? Too many turkeys? Too many ducks? Too much pudding? Too many home-brews? Well then, you'll need to arrange an appointment to see Dr Liver.
 
On it's own this may seem like a Pretty Innocuous Statement....

EDIT - I should mention that I got a free ticket to see it from those fine people at Crikey. You gotta love that.


But! Hold on! What's THIS?

Finally, I'm heartened to see that others are joining the crusade to find and punish whoever gave Crikey the story about the evil quite nice councillor and her how-to-vote card scam.


Is Crikey giving out movie tickets in return for "favours"?

The After Grog Blog. Eternally vigilant. Ever honest. Always drunk.

25/12/2002

 
Bad News Alert!

"It's been proven that there is definitely an audience for musicals...."


Especially Fiona Scott-Norman and her culturati mates.

Once a staple in Hollywood, musicals have generally been out of favour over the past 30 years.


There's a very good reason for that. They're about as entertaining as re-runs of Sixty Minutes - (The Musical?)!


 
I can't work out if THIS is a gag or a mis-link. What's a Bomb Alaska look like? This is what a Panettone looks like. Apparently. Make up your own mind. When you work it out please get back to me. I'm puzzled.
 
Well here I am in harbour side Siddey, Sydeny, SYDNEY dammit Juan Antonio! Anyway....

Merry Christmas Everyone!

With any luck you'll all get what I know you desire most. A Melbourne Premiership in 2003.

Now I'm off eat a lot and drink too much alcohol.

24/12/2002

 
Like wow! Groovy Baybeee! Freakout!

Thanks Bernice.
 
This post is rated AO. It contains bad words and references to Compulsory Unionism.

I just had a bad late lunch at Sydney's Bourbon & Beefsteak. Fillet Mignon cooked with the heat too low. The vegetables were OK. But it was served in a bowl. This meant that the chips were soaked in steak juice. I don't wanna suck 'em out of a straw. Who the fuck ever decided that steak was better delivered in a fucking bowl? It ain't cereal folks! It ain't soup! It's steak! STEAK! Put it on a fuckin' plate. Gimme the chips as a side! And bring me the fuckin' mustard!

Oh, the point. Ahhh, ummm, that's right....

I was reading The Age and copped an eyeful of Gerard Henderson's Latest Offering about the left and right less left of historical debate in Australia. Plenty of thoughts scampered through the noggin. Right down to Shaw's quote about age, socialism and capitalism. I was working up a blog and had all the pieces more or less in place. Frontal lobe. Backtal lobe. Medulla thingummy. All choc full of ideas and thoughts and synapses and assorted important miscellany. Anyway I've been scooped. But, you know what? It doesn't matter! Slatts is more than up to the task. Way more!

What's more, he's a better writer than me. So go and read his take on the article. It's everything I thought, right down to the Shavian reference.

The only difference would be that I've never been a lefty. Forced to join a militant union, the ETU, when I was 18, I've always had nothing but contempt for so called union heavyweights. Their main concerns as far as I can tell, have always been....

1) The boss is a c**t!

and....

2) Hey C**t! Gimme more money!

Ah well, I guess I've got no spirit, but then again there was no Vietnam in 1980. Just body shirts and Rocky Burnette. NOW I get mad?!?

Anyhoo, GO! Shoo! NOW!

What are you waiting for? Oh yeah, right. HERE it is! It's good. Enjoy.
 
Hey, all you crooked Florida Lawyers. Wanna Trip to Australia? Well, this is the way to go about it. And boy! Has this one got the lot! And more! Hell, we'll even throw in a set of steak knives....

Two wanted criminals caught driving the car told police Mr Gersten had lent it to them to go and buy drugs during a session at a crack cocaine house where he had sex with prostitutes and took drugs.


Whores! Crack! Crack-whores! Whoo Hoo!

There was an election at the time for Mr Gersten's position as a commissioner in Dade County.


Local politics? A den of theives. Dade County? Nothing good ever happens there.

Mr Gersten became convinced that the affair was being orchestrated by his political enemies.
At their head, he believed, was Janet Reno, then Florida State Attorney and later federal Attorney-General in Bill Clinton's presidential administration.


Federal politics? Big league criminals. All the way up to the "I didn't do it!" President. Jackpot!

And even tacked on the end....

Last year the US House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform said there was evidence to suggest that material which could have exonerated Mr Gersten was ignored or covered up


a sleazy political cover-up. Hot Damn!

So! Calling all Authors. You've never had it so easy. You don't even need to think of a plot. Or details. All you need do is start typing. Now, get to it!

23/12/2002

 
I'm a teacher. I follow Green Bay. THIS must be me. I'm sooooo unworthy.
 
Prediction Update

Just last week the always, err occasionally, ahh almost never accurate After Grog Blog Picayune predicted a Contraction in the Grocon workforce.

Today. Oh Ohh. What's that Pink Slip in your pay packet?
 
Does anyone think newspaper people read Blogs? Today The Australian and The Herald Sun have Op-ed pieces echoing the thoughts of many a blogger. Hopefully we'll see an increase in the number of articles getting stuck into opinion criminals like Australia's very own High Preist of La Trobe....

A week ago, Professor Robert Manne accused Windschuttle of plagiarism, alleging unacknowledged borrowings from the US author Robert Edgerton. Unlike the fundamental matters of fact exposed by Windschuttle's own research, the textual similarities pointed to are irrelevant to the facts, interpretation, and general argument of his book. The matter is trivial and the whole thing a malicious diversion. Why would the High Priest of La Trobe do anything so shabby?
In his sneer that Windschuttle's business is "corpse minimisation" we find the reason. For Manne is in the rival business of "corpse maximisation", having made a career out of insinuating the holocaust concept wherever it will give him a moral advantage. Smaller numbers weaken his case. Favouring the larger body count, whatever the evidence, is the insidious result of habitually making the heaviest charge in humanity's moral lexicon – the charge of genocide.


The rest of the article's not bad either.


 
Sharp knife. Sharper wit. Go and have your sides sliced.

22/12/2002

 
Coodabeens update: Looks like I was on the money again. The phone call I received yesterday morning proved uncannily accurate. However, it turns out that my informed source is just another guy who can read and was probably just looking at Saturday's newspaper.

But! Back at the point. The news is good. Look like the boys have returned to 774. Well, almost. When they left it was 3LO. And what's more they're doing the Sunday night show. Wonder if we'll still get more of Jim At The Gym, BJ the DJ and Stavros The Taxi Driver. The latter being the brilliant creation of a noted greco-ethnic sports reporter on Fox who likes soccer and whose first name rhymes with WC Handy. With any luck they'll bring across from Three-ore, the side-slicing Wayne At The Wantirna.

Sunday night's now locked in. Now. If only they can move Demon Radio to 10:00 pm.
 
What's going on HERE Parker? Do I have to get a two cent haircut in December?

21/12/2002

 
Just heard The Coodabeen Champions are leaving 3AW. I don't know where they're going, but I hope it's back to the ABC. Those incessant f**kin' ads on Three-ore drive me f**kin' bonkers and ruin any rhythm the Coodabeens might get going. They work waaaay better in the more comatose relaxed environment of the ABC as they don't feel they have to throw to a volley of ads every 6 or 7 minutes. By far their best stuff is when they're casually tooling on about nothing in particular. Obviously they're prevented from doing this within the tightly structured architecture of commercial radio.
However, it seems Tony Leonard is staying at AW to start up some kind of program in the same vein as the Coodabeens. Good! In trying to turn him into some kind of radio wanker personality they've only managed convince me that he's a terrible commentator and a shocking morning host.
Turns out Darren James is spitting chips too. He's done a fair bit of work with the Coodabeens and pairs with Leonard on the morning show. Apparently he knew nothing of their decision to jump ship. He feels betrayed. Good! He's a hack! Even worse than Leonard.
l'm wrapped they're leaving Radio Testosterone and heading (I hope) back to 774. With any luck they'll restart their brilliant Sunday night show.
And losing Leonard shouldn't prove too much of a problem either. After all Simon Whelan is the most important member.
Oh, did I neglect to mention that Leonard is a rabid lefty? Obviously this has absolutely no bearing on my post. Cough.

20/12/2002

 
I've just been reminded. It's my birthday. It's nearly over. Quick, send presents.

19/12/2002

 
There may have been a mention of this in the Age. I'm not too sure.

Anyway, Daniel Grollo ought to give Martin Snedden a call....


Dear Mr Snedden

THORNDON CRICKET CLUB - OFFER OF SERVICES

In light of the current industrial action by the members of the New Zealand Cricket Players' Association and apparent stalemate in negotiations between the Association and New Zealand Cricket, I am writing to offer the services of the Thorndon Cricket Club First XI for the upcoming tour by India.
The Thorndon First XI consists of a bunch of drinkers with a cricket problem. However, I believe that our unorthodox playing style (you should see Troy's delivery stride) would be very effective against the Indian players. I am sure that even Sachin Tendulkar would have never seen anything like Anil's infamous "zooter" delivery before.
We would be extremely honoured to wear the silver fern and represent our country at the highest level of the game. Importantly, we would be happy to play without monetary payment however would make a few small requests.
Firstly, it would be absolutely essential that a barbecue be in operation at all times during play. This barbecue must be easily accessible between overs. It would be great if Eva the Bulgarian could be employed to operate it, but she must not burn any of the meat. If she is not able to cook correctly she will be permitted to stand beside the barbecue and do stretches.
Our second request is that the brown liquid that is presently served at the tea break be replaced with another brown liquid - this one is fizzy. In fact, this liquid could also replace all other liquid refreshments served to players. As host nation we would be more than happy to share with the Indian players, as it would certainly enhance our competitiveness as the day progressed.
Our third request is that instead of playing boy band music between overs, the crowd is entertained by a selection of Bogan's compact discs. This music will also ensure the crowd and players exercise their necks regularly. I am sure that if you accepted our offer the fans would not be disappointed.
Our team has Parore-like pin-up boys (Dean and Pat), Cairns-like pornstars (Pieman and Scotty) and even its own Vetorri-like Italian stallion (myself). The English accent that has been missing since the retirement of Roger Twose would return in the form of our very own English all rounder Andy and Dipak would make a comeback in the form of Anil "six-pack" Patel.
Please take as much time as you need to consider our proposal, however I am sure that you will agree that this is an exciting opportunity for New Zealand Cricket to revamp its image and for the New Zealand public to witness some innovative cricket.

Yours Sincerely

Shaun Connolly


Now read the official reply below....
 


Dear Shaun

Thanks for your letter of 1 November.

The availability of your members eventually tipped the scale in NZC's favour. The players finally realised that there were others out there who could adequately replace them.

As it turns out, a number of your requirements have been built into the new contract system.

Thanks for your support.

Martin Snedden


Whack! Nice work Marty!

PS: E-mail me if you want a scanned copy of Martin Snedden's official reply.
 
After yesterday's Bold Prediction I can put down my knife and fork. No chance the CFMEU were getting rolled on This One.

Next prediction: Grocon to Start Sub-Contracting it's projects.

18/12/2002

 
Can you help me? I'm Lost! Which way to the map section?
 
Tim also mentions Piers Ackerman's article on Bob Ellis and his heart felt apology to the guests at the Five Star Club Woomera....
"I'm sorry. Please accept my apology. I sense that you will not. I'm sorry....


What Piers left out was....
....for shambling through your vegetable garden, heckling the diet awareness class and screaming out BINGO! every time the host called out One Fat Writer. I'm dreadfully sorry."

 
Meanwhile, with all this talk of pre-emptive strikes, Tim Blair pre-empts a Book Release.
 
If THIS gets up I'll eat my hardhat!

17/12/2002

 
At the place where I teach the kids say such nice things. You know, friendly greetings like....

"Hello Sir. Ali's gonna smash your face in!"

And they're sooooo happy when they get their exam results....

"Yousef scratched your car, Sir"

So kids! Ask THIS question instead.... "What's Your Secret Girls?"
 
Great News! Steve's telling us some Little Tiny Lies and showing off his Tiny Little Wit. If they're anything like as good as his Tiny Little Tits, errr, wits then we're in chuckle heaven.

And while you're there make some VERY BIG COMMENTS.

16/12/2002

 
Time for another record of the week. Perhaps I'd better call it something catchy (And time-span appropriate) like "Music I’m Currently Listening To In My Playroom At The Moment".

Anyhoo, this time round it's Albuquerque sound gatherers The Shins.

Here's a list of reviews that ought to give you an indication of where the band are coming from.

Channel Fly….
Brian Wilson – Arthur Lee.


Copacetique….
The Replacements’ – The Kinks – Simon & Garfunkel – The Beach Boys


Junk Media….
The Who – The Kinks


Crap Magazine….
The Beach Boys – Elliott Smith


Even the Washington Post….
Brian Wilson – Merle Haggard – The Flaming Lips – Gram Parsons


Out of those mentioned Brian Wilson is the most obvious and I think probably The Flaming Lips.

There are, I reckon, four obvious ones not mentioned by those reviewers.

Yes, The Police, Calexico and most strikingly, Roy Wood. That last one? Check him out. Oh, Inverted World reeks of his influence. So, after you’ve listened to it dash out and get Boulders. You won’t be disappointed.

So, if some Juvy Trendoid starts haranguing you about how your favourite bands ripped off poor black guys, or some such rot, just tell him that it doesn’t matter where you get the building materials. The only thing that matters is how you put them together.
 
A role model?

He was then teaching troubled children, but it was not his bag.


Seems not all teachers join the ALP or become second rate comedians. Some pursue Worthwhile Careers....

Well, if I get sick of teaching? Who knows?

 
Does anyone out there know how to make the "COMMENTS" thingo work?

UPDATE: I do......Now.

15/12/2002

 
This from today's Herald Sun. I can't find it, so no links. Someone else may have better luck.

In an article about recently elected Victorian Labor face, Janice "What A Silly" Munt....

During her university days, Janice Munt became friends with Sue Hawke, daughter of future Prime Minister Bob Hawke. Suddenly, Mrs Munt was spending weekends at the Hawke's Sandringham home and mixing with political giants such as Gough Whitlam.


Holy fuck! Scandal! If THAT was widely known before the election do you think anyone would have voted for her?

"We would be sitting around at Sue's place [Not sharing needles, I hope] and Gough Whitlam would walk by, or Charlie Perkins.[A servant?]"


God! Hell! It just gets worse. First she's a Gough-bot, now it's Perkins! Haven't we got that shit out of our system yet? Pass the Methadone.
 
If you can't stand the HEAT....get back in the kitchen!
 
Steve makes me laugh. He also Makes Beer. I drink beer. It's a small world.

Anyhoo, here's a sample....



I may have to convert my home into a walk-in refrigerator.

Steve: [over a plate of his famous Champagne chicken] "Baby, you look like you want to tell me something".

Steve's Dinner Date: "Steve...my nipples are so hard".

Steve: "Well, you know. I got it like that."

Steve's Dinner Date: "No, stupid. It's freezing in here".

Steve: "Care for another piece of wine?"


Champagne comedy!


 

Hey Blix!



This what you're looking for?



And before anyone asks....I was doing research. RESEARCH I tells ya! RESEARCH!

14/12/2002

 
I wonder how the conversation went at this Dinner Party?

He says he and the victim fried and ate the victim's penis.


"Bernd, would you like some cheese with that?"

But it's OK....

The cannibal said his victim volunteered to be slaughtered......at least five men had already declared their willingness to be eaten.


Doctor Phillip Nietzsche! Stop drooling!

13/12/2002

 
Tex takes the whacking stick to Henry the Heckler. Rightly so. The guy's a turd! I wish I could get a gig writing Shit Like This….

Get a load of you, you fabulously hip thing, you


I'm so unhip that, to quote Douglas Adams, it's a wonder my legs don't fall off. Of course Henry's wayyy hip.

There are now two four-wheel-drives in the garage, two mortgages, two kids in private schooling and 2BL.


Nope. Wrong again shit-face! I'm forty. Live alone. No kids. No mortgage. Old Mazda. It's got four wheels and one somewhere in the back.

For the time being though, ask yourself this important rock 'n' roll question: why bother? Seriously, do you really want to go and see some very old men play very old songs?


Yes. What’s more I’m going to. At the Tennis centre and I can’t wait.

When you were young, did you harbour a secret desire to hang out at a Perry Como concert?


Yes. And Matt Monroe, Matt Flinders, Andy Williams, Burt Bacharach & Hal David, Herb Albert and anything by spy-rock guru John Barry.

Oh, those crafty old Stones. In 40 years they've gone from ripping off poor black musicians to fleecing rich white yuppies.


Granted they haven’t done anything worthwhile for over 20 years but for 15 they were without doubt the greatest rock n roll band in the world. And the poor black musicians? They’re called INFLUENCES dick-head! Name me a band that doesn’t have any.

Come the new year, the more vacuous news programs will begin to show stock footage of recent Stones performances while breathlessly counting down the number of days until their arrival.


It’s called hype fuck-face! You think you’re clever cause you can spot it? And will it detract one measly iota from the quality of the stuff they’re playing on this tour?

But don't for one single, deluded second believe that your attendance at a Stones gig will make you any cooler in the eyes of those sworn boomer enemies, Gen X, or worse, your kids.


I’m not going there to be cool dip-shit! I’m going because I love the music.
 
Not too sure about blog libel laws. Anyhoo....

Question without notice....

Which politically aligned and, errr, tallish ex footballer may be about to get dragged into the Carlton salary cap shenanigans?

10/12/2002

 
Conrad has a Reasonable Question. Well, he is a lawyer. It's his job.

As soon as I read this Invite to a Rave in today’s paper I dashed back home to pawn my electric razor so I could pay for a whole new wardrobe.

I can't wait to kick up my heels at....
Satan's Party


So I can indulge in a spot of….....
Free-basing with Muslims


Where I'll be able to....
Dabble in some illicit Christianity


With my righteous Islamobro’s.

Finally, to kick out the jams, there'll be a couple of hours of Extreme Sports........
Capitalism and communism are more "dangerous than death"


What's more I plan to live for a very, VERY long time....
"The Islamic faithful in Australia must endeavour to bring about an Islamist state in Australia, even if it is 100 years from now," he told the gathering.


And if I do say so myself, when I step out in my Muslim guy-dress, I look as sharp as the pox doctor's clerk.

But, SHUT ME UP! I won’t be able to tell anyone about it. You see, we just Ruined the Internet. Ironically at the behest of a Jewish guy.

9/12/2002

 
What's the best way to promote the Beer & Whisky Classics? Honest Tony Roosenberg knows how....
"So he missed the cut and threw a putter in the water - which you shouldn't do - but gee whiz, as a promoter I didn't cry when he did it."


Go for the Grog Guzzling Golf Curio everytime. With any luck he'll be sacrificing his putter to Neptune by the first turn.

8/12/2002

 
By the way, does anybody know how THIS turned up on Crikey?

Yes. I have a Slightly Built idea!
 
Way to go Lawyer! That's not something you hear too often. Unless your first names happen to be The and Defendant.

As an ex heavy smoker I've got no sympathy for gaspy whining shits who want to gouge the system of a bit of cash. Everyone knows smoking's bad for you. Even stupid people. You don't like it? Give it up.

Now, where are my patches?
 
Everyone knows Liar Lawrence should be mandatorily banged up for crimes against truth.

She is not to be taken seriously. As well as her very convincing role as the baddy in the Easton affair she introduces Mandatory Sentencing in WA and then merrily trots along with Paul Keating as Federal Labor introduce Mandatory Detention for refugees. However, when the evil Liberals are running the show it's time to make a fuss.

Hypocrite!

Then today in The Age she's loudly proclaiming we're just lucky to be the lucky country....
Part of Howard's make-up is that the white Anglo-Saxon culture is inherently superior to others and that the gifts we have are not accidents of history, they are by dint of our own hard work and diligence and anyone who doesn't have those things, whether it be individuals or countries, has really no one else but themselves to blame.


In other words we should never claim to have achieved anything. Our national sense of pride is just so much bullshit. We’ve really achieved nothing. It was all handed to us on a plate. Then again hard work and diligence aren't exactly the clarion calls of the loony left. That sounds more like gimme gimme gimme.

Cow!

She also proudly states that….
within a day of standing down she had had nearly 3000 e-mails and a flood of telephone calls, most from well-wishers.


What a ringing endorsement! That’s a massive 0.00015 of the population. And who’s to say these well wishers aren’t just the standard brand of lefty dreamers, policy cranks and assorted gripe merchants. Maybe John Pilger had Carmen’s number on redial. And what about those that weren't well wishers? What did they have to say?

It would be like Peter Costello quitting the Treasurer's job citing that the Liberal Party wasn't far enough to the right then saying he too had 3000 e-mails and a flood of telephone calls. Of course what he didn't say was that most of them were along the lines of “Way to go Pete! Now, let’s kill poor people!”

So, go away Liar! Better still, based on the enooooormous number of well wishers, challenge for the leadership.

Oh, and by the way, to which culture is white Anglo-Saxon culture inherently inferior?

6/12/2002

 
Forelock Tugging = Arse Licking

Your membership to the Suck Up Club is in the mail Mark.

And welcome to the Labor Rats club Mrs Lawrence. There's a seat over there between Mr Colston and Ms Kernot.

Unleeesssssss, sniff, sniff. Nope, doesn't smell like there's a challenge in the wind.

5/12/2002

 
There’s fuckin’ sledging and then there’s cricketers sayin’ stuff.

South African batswoman Graeme Fuckin’ Smith reckons we’re nasty….
”Brett Lee threatened to fucking kill me”


But Robert Key thinks Graeme Smith’s a whining shit. That’s no spoonerism….
”It wasn't particularly nasty, most of the stuff they said was quite funny”


As usual Conn, Coward, Baum et al were all in a tizzy over how terrible it was that precious young Smithy had been grievously maltreated by those hideous Aussie ruffians.

Ubersportingpundit sums it up well….
It's the professional journalists that do this. Malcolm Conn and company. You don't hear these reproaches from the Channel Nine crowd; populated as it is by folks who know how hard Test cricket is.


Even Doyen Benaud has been heard to comment on how much sledging went on back in the good old days. In fact he regularly displays it in the commentary box.
Back in 1993 when New Zealand played a series here, Mark Greatbatch managed to drop every thing that came his way. However, in the last test he fluked one at first slip, rolled off of his belly and pointing up to the commentary box screamed “Stick that up your fucking arse” to which Doyen responded, “Jussssst reminding us he’s dropped a few already this year”. Eat that Lardbatch!

On the flip side though, I’m not too sure the Channel 9 gang don’t exhibit a tendency to talk up their product. This would entail talking down sledging. And it may seem just a teensy weensy bit hypocritical for Tony Greig, Ian Chappell and Ian Healy to complain about sledging.

Anyway Ian Healy wrote the best piece I’ve seen on sledging last year in The Age. Unfortunately I don’t have a link, but it was a ripper. Basically he said there was plenty of swearing but heaps more comments between the fielders where they make mention of batsmen’s weaknesses. Things like Marcus Trescothick not being able to move his feet or Craig White being a rat-shit hooker. These are both true and with any luck they’ll play on the batsmen’s mind. Interestingly the Aussies never seem to have a go at players they respect. It’s just a matter of trying to unsettle players they consider vulnerable. And let’s face it if you’re susceptible to a bit of gamesmanship you shouldn’t be out there.

Looks to me like Key’s got the right attitude and Smith’s a blancmange. Umpire Rudy Koertzen seems to have the right idea. When Smith looked at him for intervention ….
Koertzen shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “I know it's rough, kid, but that's the way it is”


What he should have said was….
”Grow up kid!”


PS: If anyone's got any good sledges, send 'em this way. I especially love the nasty ones.

4/12/2002

 
According to an item in today's Herald Sun our latest Concern du Jour is Pedophilia.

Unfortunately there could be something in that. Yesterday a sicko Googlist arrived at the After Grog Blog with: Boy Wank.

And while I'm on searchers, can anyone work out what this Yahooligan was looking for? Sizzler, Australia & Jesus.
 
I know everything. Including Japanese. So, why wouldn't a friend in Perth ask me to decipher this letter?

Hello Nola
It was understood.
A favor is needed of Nola.
Will you negotiate so that Ike Dasan even with the last tour conductor
can though you decided not Kinki but JTB to be asked for last tour?
Then, it asks for a pick-up bus together, too.
KennedyBay Are there facilities of the shower and a locker room in KennedyBay?
Is there a golf course which is good for others if it is not here?

Schdule

Feb, 17 Narita Hotel Golf Event
Feb, 18 Joondulap JD Welcome Party
Feb, 19 Joondulap JD
Feb, 20 Joondulap J D Karaoke Party & Fremantle Copmpetition
Feb, 21 Joondulap J D Competition
Feb, 22 Vines Vines
Feb, 23 Vines Kenndy Bay?
Feb, 24 Narita


Shouldn't be too hard.

Hello Nola (Hola Nolo.)
It was understood. (Gotcha.)
A favor is needed of Nola. (Gimme money!)
Will you negotiate so that Ike Dasan (If not you, ask Isaac Datsun.) even with the last tour conductor can though you decided not Kinki (But not if he likes weird sex.) but JTB (Instead ask Jelly Toaster Bison.) to be asked for last tour? (He was good last time.)
Then, it asks for a pick-up bus together, too. (Do you own a Mazda Van?)
KennedyBay Are there facilities of the shower (Is there any soap?) and a locker room in
KennedyBay? (And somewhere to put my camera?)
Is there a golf course which is good for others if it is not here? (Can we play cricket on the greens?)

Schdule (Golf.)


Seems pretty clear to me. Just like my Video Recorder instructions.
 
Sex Pistols?

What a way to go!



3/12/2002

 
Der Mann ist einen Kopf gröser als ich. Das kann ich ändern.

8.30pm Tonight Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes
Drama. Dir. Werner Herzog. Klaus Kinski, Alejandro Repulles. The film that launched a lifelong collaboration between remarkable director Werner Herzog and the brilliant Klaus Kinski. Herzog's breathtaking masterpiece uses metaphor to follow one man's insanity and quest for reason. (M,av)


Remarkable. Breathtaking. Masterpiece. Metaphor. Insanity. Kinski. Surprisingly for the Foxtel Guide, all true! Right from the mountaintop pullback shot as the conquistadors cross the Andes, through to the waterlogged, monkey shitting, dizzy ending.

A stunning film. If you've got Foxtel and you haven't seen it then watch it. That's an order!

1/12/2002

 

WAKE UP!



Time to Blog!
 
Like Wow! Wipeout!

Reader Ron puts it rather more succinctly....
Arrghhhh!!!!!


And....

The sight of these pricks gloating is creepy.


Indeed. Eek!

In fact there's not much at all to get excited about after yesterday's slight reverse. However, another reader, TJ, serves up a great big juicy lump of prime cut, blood red, Schadenfraud....
The look on Susan Davies face was worth five seats alone... ...but not twenty. This is just horrific.


Horrific, yes. Be thankful for small mercies though. At least it's horrific without Davies. What a nauseating smarmoid. Last time? Smugging around like Lady Muck. This time? Pass the tissues. Cue Nelson Muntz.
 
Don’t get mad….
Cameron Boardman, upper house member for Chelsea Province, shoved Michael Josem and Adam Woolcock - both 19, students and slightly built - at a Fitzroy reception centre.


Big deal! Boardman belts a couple of youngsters. So what? Goes on all the time at Young Liberal functions. They’re bloodbaths!

The attack was allegedly sparked by a row between Scott Pearce and Mr Josem.


But! It seems that one of the slightly built students may have been talking out of school.

Mr Pearce, who works for shadow attorney-general and member for Berwick, Robert Dean, had accused Mr Josem of leaking internal party matters to Internet publisher Stephen Mayne.


So! A Crikey source runs dry! Crikey better….

Get Even….

Unfortunately, the defeated team of Liberal MPs is arguably just as good as those that remain. It is a real shame that hacks like Robin Cooper, Nick Kotsiras and Cameron Boardman have been returned whilst more talented operators such as Ian Cover, Wendy Smith and Ron Wilson have bitten the dust.


Hack (hak) noun. Scrubber.