Gottliebsen, Pascoe, Clitheroe & Farndon (Hiding in back).......Track The Trends.

Wonder which one's really Nick Leeson?

Tracked by Nora.
Day 19 Part 1 - Absence Note

Apologies for the recent dearth of World Cup reports. I know you're all devastated. "Yeah. Roight!" Doesn't matter though, I've been reading plenty of good stuff from super-cloggers, Ex Pat O'Jennings and Ubersporty Spice Scott therefore all your Clogging needs have been sumptuously catered for.

"Yeah, but do you have an excuse Teacher Boy?"

Not excuses, reasons. They're twofold AND fighteningly mundane. First, I had to work. Whoah there Sad Old Bastard! (I'm sadder, older & bastardier). Before you say anything......Too Late!....

Anyhoo, I teach on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Unfortunately this corresponds with my Big Biggish Some Hits days. The trade off's not too shabby though. I don't have to work on Monday or Friday. Sweet deal! A four day long weekend every weekend. Don't anyone ever question why I became a teacher. However, I sometimes feel I'm blogging to myself. There's an upside here too. I'm massively self-indulgent.

Also, this particular Tuesday delivered low Cloggage because of events Previously Documented. I intend to review that Musical Extravaganza at later date, but as I say, this most recent of AGB midweeks has been somewhat clogged (Hee Hee).

Where the hell am I?!? Oh yeah. Cricket.

Caught the second half of the Aussie innings last night. Pretty damn uneventful. It was always a casual progression, slip-ups not withstanding. The Aussies were going to score something over two-fifty. Even the last over slogathon was interesting only for how many would be scored. Let's face it. Half the bloggers on my links list would have knocked up at least 16 runs in that over. Girly blogettes included. Nubie Blogger Mike (More about THAT Swamp burner later) tried to read a bit extra into it. Not sure I agree with him. The game was echoing to a chorus of snores. There's no story in Lehmann smacking around a second rate park cricketer. I'd have been much more impressed if he'd tonked Curtley Amby for 28.

Our bowling was even more of a doze as it was blindingly obvious the Nambies didn't have a clue. There's no excitement to be extracted from Glen McPigeon dismissing my blogroll.

That's all I've got to say about this week's cricket. Normal service shall be resumed this (Four Day) weekend.
Ask me how

It's Friday so I've been shopping. Guess what I bought? No? I'll give you a hint....

Get it now? No?!? Are you an idiot?!? I purr-chased George Foreman's folding barbeque cooker thing. Sighhhh. The thing in the picture stupid! Nooooo! Not the fat guy in the apron. Moron! Thinks the Mexican border pays rent!

Now I'm home. The Big Gorilla (Gag placement opportunity ________________) is out of the box and ready to "Knock Out Some Fat". I've defrosted some spicy snags. Yes! Defrosted. You food snob!

Anyway, enough small talk. It's into the kitchen with me.

Time To Get Thin!


What's breast for the baby?

The new member for the electorate of Celebrity, Kirsty Marshall, sure created a stir in State Parliament yesterday. Of course the daily blabs, revelling in their role as arbiters of public decency and never allergic to a story involving official cheesecake, were all over it like drunken hands at a strip club. The Hun, The Age and The Australian. Front pages each one.

Being single, unbabied and with less than a passing interest in other people's infants I don't profess any great affinity with the topic, however, I do have a few questions....

Does This Picture show Marshall paying ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER to her job?!?. What about Fellow member Karen Overington?!? "Oooh, Ahhh, gootchie gootchie goo. Who's a pretty girl then?" These are NOT two people with their minds on their publicly funded sinecures!

Two days ago Marshall spent time telling us about the wonderful creche at Parliament House. Why then, immediately ignore it's existence?!?

Do any of the professional Boob Snacktivists care about the well being of the baby? A rowdy parliament house hardly seems the place to carefully nurture a new born baby.

On the flip side, what if the baby started wailing...

Smiler Bracks - "Jee wizz Brumbles, tough day! And that baby! Cripes! I could use a couple of ice cold microphones."

With overwhelming numbers in the house, it's not as if her vote matters. Why then, didn't Marshall apply for leave as is permitted to new mothers? It would certainly have been granted.

Did Marshall ask about leave? If not. Why not?

She says, "I whacked her on the chest puppy and walked in, sat down..." Why then didn't she ask someone if it was permitted to breast feed in the House? It defies belief that she wouldn't seek permission prior to the transgression!

Then again, maybe there's a more cynical explanation.

The Brack's government are famous for their cheap stunts. Is it possible this slick PR machine jumped at the chance to snow the first week of sitting? They would certainly know it'd be a limelight hog.

Apropos to all that, is it a coincidence that Marshall sprung this surprise in Spring Street on the same day that Labor introduced their potentially controversial Terrorist Bill and the day before their proposed Constitutional Reform Bill?

Finally, stop calling her the Celebrity MP! She's merely a second choice candidate (After ALP stalwart Lisa Carey declined the gig) who sleazed in on the racist vote and her only talent is the ability to fall down a hill.



I'm thrashed out today. Therefore a review of Last Night's Late Night will appear anon. In fact, I'm so tired that I can't even be bothered opening this link. [Ed: Subtle]. So, all I've got the energy for is to offer up this tautological little titbit....

What She Said.

Just below I made mention of Haloscam's part time comment facility, but Boynty summed it up perfectly.
What's the point?

Is there even the remotest, teensy weensy, miniscule, insignificant chance that one day I'll turn on the computer and won't think...

Haloscan's probably down today!

I've nearly had enough!


[Chug. Chug. Hmmmm. Harmonica] - Well you're talkin bout the midnight blogger.....

In the spirit of Shame Warne and his Mother's Little Helper, I'm off to see the Stones. What's more, the show's just across the road at the Rod Laver Arena.

Wish List; in no particular order....

Midnight Rambler
Dead Flowers
Moonlight Mile
Sweet Virginia
Let It Loose
Rocks Off
Lovin' Cup
Sympathy For The Devil
Flight 505
Stray Cat Blues
Live With Me
Child Of The Moon
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Gimme Shelter
Faraway Eyes
Goin' Home
It's Not Easy
Monkey Man
Silver Train
You Got The Silver (Gotta have some Keef)
It's Only Rock n Roll....yes Mick. It is. So what the hell am I waiting for?!?

Get outta here me!
Day 16 Part 1 - Call the Stewards.

Not only did Sri Lanka lose to Kenya, they got flogged (Not footy blogged). Reminds me of Bangladesh v Pakistan last time and The Windies v Kenya the time before that. Bizarre. This is bigger though. Now Kenya are a great chance to advance to the Super 6 stage. And because they've thrashed Sri Lanka and beaten New Z'land on a four-feet, if they make the last stage they'll be seeded Number 1. It also means the Yarpies have a harder run to make the last stage. (Ho. Ho.)

Australia didn't exactly canter in against Zimbabwe In Bulawayo, but neither should they have. The home team aren't a bunch of Zimbociles and would have expected to put up a good show. They batted well at the top and bottom of the innings but Hogg bogged them down mid way. In fact Hogg seems to go from strength to strength. An excellent mid stage bowler, terrific fielder and a more than handy batsman. At this point the Aussies certainly aren't missing Shame Warne.

Brett Lee's catch was a stunner. I think he redefined the term "Reflex Catch". To quote that famous commentator, Bill Shakespeare; "Is this a ball I see before me?!?"

There may have been a bit of implied pressure, but during the chase the Aussies always looked in control. It was a terrific pitch so the tepid Zimbo attack was never going to trouble them. May have been a touch different if Hondo hadn't done a Tuffers and dropped Gilchrist early on, but the Aussies were going to have to get themselves out. Just like Matty Hayden did. He'd be kicking himself. Caught round the corner to what would have been an innocuous wide. My criticism's nothing whatsoever, at all, even slightly, to do with his selection in my Fantasy Beeb Team. Martin & Lehmann also got some much needed batting practice.

Ian Healy, fast becoming the best special comments man around was asked on ACA, pointedly I might say, by Hairdo Martin whether he thought Channel 9 employee Warnie was hard done by regarding the drugs finding. Said Heals; "Nope. Everyone knows the drug code. It's stressed to them all the time. Warnie knows he shouldn't have taken the pill. End of issue." Well said.

By the way, I wasn't too happy with the crystal set reception from ABC radio.

PS: Dean "Dead Rubber" Jones is just as irritating in the commentary box as he was on the field. "Take your sweat bands off Curtley." I wish he'd stop patronising the minnows. The dear little things don't deserve it. They do try so very hard.


Day 15 Part 1 - Hot day. Draw blinds. Drink beer. Watch cricket.

Yesterday’s two games weren't biggies. There were, however, some Minty moments. The sort that make the minnow games fun to watch.

India v Namibia was played on an oval with a tree. Reminded me of playing in the Tooronga thirds at Fawkner Park. There you could tap a six. Good for your average. Especially when you're as average as me.

It's always a treat to watch Sachin Tendulakar bat well. No one makes batting look as easy as the Indian batsmeister. It's a pity the whole world has him in their BBC Fantasy World Cup. I'm currently well placed at 21,157.

With a cruisy century Sourav Gangles proved again he's excellent against crap attacks. I couldn't believe it when I saw he has the Second Most Centuries in ODI history. He must have played plenty of minnows. Did I say trouble free? It was until he mistimed a pull to mid-chin. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. It didn't hurt much, but the scar "Chicks dig scars" means shaving can be a bugger.

Nayan Mongia nearly dropped a sitter in the outfield. He must have been concerned about running into tree trunks. However, he recovered beautifully to avoid sliding over the boundary.

In keeping with Monty Python's "Hit the ball back at me like a bullet. Never a chance to move. Couldn't protect myself." Sachin Tendulkar nearly killed the Pakistani umpire, Aleem Dar. Kashmir's got nothing on their cricket rivalry.

I watched the West Indies v Canada. Or as Tony Hancock would say, Car-Nar-Dar, "I don't know about YOU, but I watch Grar-Nar-Dar!"

Nearly fell off my lounge chair, spilling beer all over the cheezeewhatsits when I tuned in to see Comedia were 1 for 120 off 17 overs. Melbourne boy John Davidson had smacked the Windies around for the Fastest Ever 100. Pity the commentators called him alternately Joe, Josh, Joseph, Davies, Harris. Da-vid-son, rhymes with Har-ris. In Eskimo maybe!

Augustine Eldine Learie Collingbush Lancelot Link Vasbert Drakes, took a screamer. Better than John Dyson. Out near the boundary, reaching backwards, stretching full length and plucking a pearler. Tony Cozier; ”That’s over his head. Completely misjudged it.”


Drink More Piss Then

Care for a Cold One. Allow me to pour. And allow me to point out that Cold One, the one back there, that is, is a link to the history of the brand.

Courtesy of a Blogger Who Rarely Has A Name.

UPDATE: The reviews are in. Bon Vivant Geeblogger, Bernie Slatts has supped the Golden Nectar and reckons it goes alright....

P155 is a product of the Geelong Brewery and not a bad drop at all. But I'd avoid its light variety, known as PISS WEAK.

Just for good measure; Collingwood fan Slatts wasn't going to let Last Night's Result go unmentioned....

The Pies were impressive, but then how weak is Carlton?

C'mon Slatts! Lift your game! Surely the Blue Boys were Piss Weak!

A Word

Righto! We've got a word for Cricket Blogging. Courtesy of an evil Adelaide Cows fan it's even Entered Circulation.

Now with the annual Festival Of The Boot upon us we need another word. This time for Football Blogging. Is Flogging too vicious? Too violent? Too obvious?

Tammany Hall? Sounds like a porno actress!

This means I'm %42 Democrat! Nooooooo!

self-serving sociopath
How Republican Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks to General Liberal at Catallaxy. What is Catallaxy anyway? It's not in my dictionary.

Day 14 Part 2 - Too much sauce?

Nightclubs and cricketers never seem to mix. Chris Cairns needs to have word with Kangaroos footballer David King about the dangers associated with hot-dog stands.

And what's this? "The owner of the club, who gave his surname as van der Post...." - Gave his surname? What's that supposed to infer? Is there some doubt?

PS: Maybe the reporter misheard. Maybe he actually said Wilbur Post.

Day 14 Part 1 - Odds & Ends

Shane Warne's in a spot of bother. Again. He ought to be used to it by now. Never the less, the papers are all over it so I'd have to come up with some pretty imaginative angle to add something to the debate. So. read about it....

End of a career? - Unlikely. The rest will do his shoulder good.

Ban unfair: Berry - No. It was fair in isolation.

Appeal looks futile - That won't stop him though.

A bitter pill to swallow - Indeed. And Dick Pound really is a Dick!

It probably was unfair when compared to the likes of shooter Phillip Adams at the last Commonwealth Games or swimmer Sam Reilly in Atlanta. And Herscelle Gibbs and his gambling offence. That only incurred a six month penalty?!? NSW batsman Graham Rummans got one month. However, those penalties were wrong.

Darren Berry also makes mention of the term Drug Cheat. Doubtless we'll hear a lot of comment along the lines of "Warnie's not a cheat. How does taking drugs improve his performance?" I agree that drugs banned in one sport aren't particularly effective in another. Never the less, due to his own stupidity he broke the rules as they stand now.

Doubtless Warnie will challenge the severity of the appeal. After admitting guilt, he can hardly challenge the verdict.

Reader Ron reckons Warne is a boofhead. I agree. Still, I'll miss watching him bowl. Now we'll have to watch an even bigger cheat overtake him in total number of wickets taken in test cricket. Fortunately Australia are capable of winning matches without Warne. There's no chance we'll threaten to pull out of international cricket because a lone match-winner has been disciplined.


Day Bits Part Pieces - Mum made me do it.

More clogging.

It's been a busy day. It started off with me showing city slicker Bernie Slatts around the historic Victorian township of Geelong.

After that I drove home for a little doze and then enjoyed a couple of beakers at the Royal. Now I'm home and watching Paddle-aide play the Cows.

Anyhoo, this is just a mini blogette where I check in to say I reckon the Warne penalty is a fair one.

That said, I'm pretty sure he'll appeal the verdict, in fact he's probably got some solid grounds upon which to base it. The judgement that the panel "found the charge proved" leads me to believe that it was based on the assumption Shane Warne WAS covering up some steroid take-age. There's a chance this falls under the same "he-said-no-he-said" umbrella which exonerated Rashid Latif. After all, there was no proof - YOWZAH! Treadrea's just done his knee! CAP? Ahhhh! - Warne was taking steroids. Never the less, taking diuretics carries a two year penalty. If he appeals, I predict a reduction of the penalty. Particularly in relation to the financial situation because a year's penalty for Warne amounts to a far greater censure than most other players.

More later.

Ben Tory and Sara Boynton will be very happy to know that whilst cooking some pork, I burnt my hand and didn't say bad words.


It's all about spiders!

Dr Tim Blair's discovered a new disease emanating from outback New South Wales....


It's a disease common among Two Legged Freaks.
Year 41 Day 63 - The devil ALSO made me do this....

I just went up to Encel and bought a Loewe TV. This ain't just any TV. It doesn't just show TV programs. It shows video tapes AND Digital Video Discs (DVD's they're called!). How bout that? "Whaddaya mean, they all do that?!?"


Anyway, mine's better. It's got wheels and it's black and has knobs and things that open and it also gets the morning newspapers off the porch. Okay, I exaggerate. It's not black.

Never the less, the picture's so good I can now wipe the sweat off Cheyenne's Face.

I also bought a DVD (See, I'm hip) player. It can show movies and play CD's. It can also sit right there beside the TV. Apparently that's a new development. I got a hot deal too! The salesman threw in a module to control my microwave oven. That clinched it.
Day 12 Part 1 - The devil made me do it.

Not YOU TWO again?!? Leave me alone!

Devil - "Go on Tone. Do it!"

Angel - "No. No. Tony. You can't. It's cruel."

Devil - "Go on. Don't listen to her. Do it! Do it! Do it! Whaddaya waiting for?"

Angel - "Be a mensch Tony. Think if it happened to you!"

Devil - "WHAT?!? She's a girl. What does sheeeeeeee know?!? Are you a girl Toni? You've got a girl's name. Ya big sooky baby!"

SOOKY?!? BABY?!? ME?!?

Jesus.H.Cricket! Snap out of it!


Day 11 Part 3 - Kick 'em when they're down. Then kick 'em again.

Gibbs, Donald & Rhodes may be white anting Pollock, but there's no way Ricky Ponting was going to pass up this solid gold chance to continue Steve Waugh's policy of Mental Disintegration.

Straight Onto the Front Foot was Rick....

"They're very set in their ways and their plans.... very regimented way and style of playing....not working for them that well at the moment....I didn't totally understand how much pressure they were under."

Tactically lacking. Playing badly. Pressure Bunnies. Whammo!

It's always been the AFL way to not say anything inflammatory lest you give the opposition a leg up. "They're a great team. We just played better on the day." That sort of nonsense.

The Aussie cricketers are an entirely different kettle of bolted horses. They don't care what the public, the media or the opposition think. They're happy doing or saying anything as long as the other teams know the Aussies have got them in their sights.

The Aussie opinion? If you can't handle it you shouldn't be out there. The Windies did the same back in the eighties. Both with their fast bowlers and their swaggering confidence. The Windies operated the same way as the Aussies do now. (But never seemed to attract the same sort of criticism the Aussies attract)

Well, I for one love it! Test cricket's a tough gig and I remember the bad old days. More power to 'em, I say!

As Confederate General, Nathan Bedford Forrest once said; "Keep up the scare!".
Day 11 Part 2 - A Usual Suspect.

Of course the post below makes the title to Spanky Roebuck's article, Grown-up Gibbs is now key to his team's success look, in part, ridiculous at best.

I know it was probably a sub-editor who plonked that heading on top of the article. And yeeesss, before you all jump me, I know the article was about Gibbs as an opener, but it still included this line; "....nowadays Gibbs carries himself well among his peers." I'm pretty well convinced that doesn't mean; "Whining about the good ole days when you could get a bet on through the captain." That's what Gibbs seems to spend a lot of time doing.

Anyhoo, as regular readers may have noticed, I'm somewhat dubious about Spanky's intentions. I've always suspected that one of the reasons he gets a gig is to provide a counter-point to predominant Aussie opinion. Nothing particularly evil in that. In fact I agree with him often, but I disagree with him more. However, going against the grain for the sake of it smacks of under-grad horse-play, not sound analysis. On second thoughts, he is in the pay of the Fairfaxis of Evil.

Wonder what his response would be if Adam Gilchrist had criticised Ricky Ponting's leadership. Spanky would have been all over it like Flies On Sherbet.
Day 11 Part 1 – When you're on a good thing....

Pat Symcox wasn’t much of a bowler. His right-arm Offies were criminally mis-named. They only ever turned off the bat. Never thought of him as much of a batsman either, but occasionally he'd connect. However, he didn't chuck and he was a tough competitor.

Now he's a straight-talking commentator, weird exchanges with Navjot Sidhu not withstanding....

Symcox - "Nav, last time I was in India, I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian."

Sidhu - "That's a very strange thing to say Pat."

Symcox - "I've heard you're allowed to eat meat on the weekends?"

Sidhu - "Only if you're Sunny Gavaskar."

Now, it would appear he's a straightforward selector as well. Especially if today's Herald Sun is anything to go by....

"If Gibbs doesn't want to play under the current management, then he should get out and find another team to play for....For a man who's been involved in match-fixing, smoking dagga and late-night shenanigans, to criticise his captain in that way is unbelievable....He's the last person who should open his mouth, whatever his private thoughts…."

Symcox added he was sick and tired of hearing Gibbs, Jonty Rhodes and Allan Donald dedicate the World Cup to Cronje....

"It's time the guys stopped living in the past and concentrated on making a contribution now."

Give 'em hell, Pat!

However, I don't know where Gary Kirsten is when he's not batting, but it ain't at the game....

"Personally, I think Shaun Pollock's done a very good job for this team. He came into the job under very trying circumstances when the whole match-fixing scandal broke out and, for the next year-and-a-half, we played probably the best cricket we've ever played."

It's right that he should stand up for his captain. I just don't agree with what he says. Watching Flummo bat on Monday's replay it seemed every time he hit the ball into the outfield it bounced back off the advertising hoardings. Most times I expected a fielder to stroll around and pick it up. Not so! The balls kept going to the boundary. It would seem that Ricky Ponting's observation that, "They are very set in their ways and plans...." extends to their field placings too.

Never the less, I'm not prepared to write South Africa off at this stage. They've only got to beat the Windies and in turn The Windies could easily lose to Sri Lanka. In One Day cricket it's easy for a side to turn it around and get on a roll. Just look at last time in England.


Day 10 Part 1 – Odds & Sods

What's with Sarth Efrica?

First Herschelle Gibbs....
"His leadership skills made him the icon that he was." said Gibbs

Yeah! In the same way Robbie Waterhouse is an Icon. Then Daffy Donald takes us to his Supreme Leader....
The absence of Hansie Cronje's "supreme leadership" is a prime reason for South Africa's World Cup form slide….

Earth to Yarpies; Get over it! The guy was a CHEAT! And just quietly; an extremely over-rated captain too.

Bollock isn't a good captain but he deserves better. Where’ve I seen this lately? The ALP perhaps?

Now, in the same way Iraq's handed Labor a chance at recovery, the weather's done the same for Sarth Efrica. Last Night's Washout means the ball's now back in their court. Before last night they had to rely on the Windies, or Sri Lanka to lose. Now, thanks to the Windies result against the Bangers, the Yarpies can advance if they win enough games.

It remains to be seen if they can take their chance.

And it looks like Shane Warne may be in More Hot Water than initially thought....
The star leg spinner's explanation was also called into question by revelations that analysis of the positive drug test indicated Warne must have taken more than one banned diuretic tablet.

If this is the case it makes Warne's previous claim that he inadvertently took ONE pill look tenuous at best. This also makes my claim of Three to Six look tenuous.

And I'm not sure what Dick Pound thinks he's doing. As the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency he should refuse to comment on due process until the event is settled. Well, maybe a few platitudes, but not some sneering comedy routine. "Poisoned by his mother" or "I got it from the toilet seat" It jumped right up, and...., sorry, I digress. He should know to keep shtum until all the evidence has been heard. And what's this....
Pound warned that a lenient Australian Cricket Board decision would put at risk Australia's reputation as a tough leader in the fight against doping

Get your hand off it Dick! It's not your job to publicly lobby Australian officials to make an EXAMPLE of anyone. Warne must be judged on the merits of the case WHEN they come in.


Day 9 Part 1 – Dontcha hate that?!?

Let's face it! Sarth Effy have Lions! Crocodiles! Leopards! Cheetahs! It also has all manner of nasty, noxious, bighty, slithering and slavering beasties.

So, in looking for an imposing monicker for their international sports sides, what do they do?!? Something to terrify the opposition? Maybe they thought of....

The Lethal Lions? Nope.

The Horrible Hyenas? Nope.

The Mother Mauling Spitting and Sledging Mambas? Nope.

The Flesh Tearing, People Eating, Baby Chomping, Mighty Meer Kats? Nope.

They went for the jugular. Something really vicious. Something really, really, REALLY horrid. Something so scary it caused fat fans to tackle umpires. They called their rugby side the Springboks and their cricket side the Proteas. What is a Protea anyway?!? No matter.

Whichever way you look at it, they both sound like blouse wearing, tofu eating, camomile drinking, street marching, panty waist beasts of breakfast. They'd be better off calling themselves The Gnu's or The Pink Arsed Gibbons. Just leave The Zebras alone! That's taken. Go You Zebbies!.

That eventually ties me to a point. Of sorts.

Yesterday as I wrote a blog I watched a replay of Sunday night's game. I'd tuned in fairly late and then had to go out just as the game ended. (Psst! Have they changed the end of innings runs rule?) When I got down to the pub temperance meeting I kept a sly eye on the telly in the corner. It was there I saw Mark Boucher put down My Boy Flummo.

My first thought was, "How blog-worthy is that?!?". Oddly enough my second thought was, "How blog-worthy's that?!?". However, I didn't blog it! I really am an excedingly hard working and responsible member of Victoria's educational establishment. As such I went home and to bed as soon as I'd indulged in a reasonable number of Grape Juices.

I wanted to be the first blogger to jump all over the Herscelle Gibbs/Mark Boucher connection. Let's face it. Sarfy have a magnificent ability to blow a chance. Something along the lines of, "You just dropped the world cup Bouch" came to mind.

BUT! I was scopped [Ed: That'd be "scooped", stupid!] by another Melbourne Blogger! Stole my thunder they did!

In keeping with my pledge to transform this into a family friendly blog. Bum!

PS: The Yarpie attack is crap!

UPDATE: Apparently the Protea is a flower. Surprise! Surprise!


Day 8 Part 1 – Who would YOU barrack for?!?

Although I rate New Z'land an excellent chance of winning the World Cup, I must admit I was very surprised when I heard they had beaten Sarth Efrica in last night's game. Then I heard they'd chased a revised Duckyloo target and my mind immediately went back to the Sydney semi-final in 1992 where they needed 22 of 14, which suddenly became 22 off 1 courtesy of a late rain delay. Didn't they squawk then? Wonder if they'll do the same here?

However, any team that can chase a target and end up 1 for 229 off 36.5 overs, as the K1-W1's did, would be a good chance of chasing down a measly, paltry and pathetic 306 off 50.

Anyhoo, it's left us with a priceless situation whereby the Yarpies may miss out on the Super 6 stage. I think they must now rely on other results. Eeeeexxccellent!!

The down side is that NZ are now a good chance to go through and keep their ambush appointment with Australia. I don't think I could handle that! As THIS noted cricket fan would say, "Ooh the pain!"

The upside is that in the Fantasy World Cup, my boy Flummo made a fine 134. I'm sure regular commenter, Carrot, would approve of that.

On Saturday night Spanky Roebuck** interrupted yet another political riff; "Tanks at Heathrow prove England's more dangerous than Zimbabwe." [Ed to Spanker; Spank Self.] to predict that England would beat Holland. They did. Of course the Spanker has fond memories there. He's the only England captain ever to lose to Holland.

** I only add this note to show I'm not pinching Tim Blair's material.

UPDATE: I've just read over at Micheal Jenning's Joint that Sean Pollock captained down to his usual standard. Agree. The Ginger Ninja may be a good cricketer, but he's a dodgy skipper at best.
Camera? Say cheese Hide!


Now! Here's the Couch Potato Untouched Photo.

Notice I'm trying to hide behing a glass. That's Slatt's wine vat!


World Cupdate
Day 7 Part 1 – Wine. Cheese. Blowers. Blog.

I’m starting to worry. Too often last night I heard the ominous phrase, “looking invincible”. Shut up! If Australia keep winning that easy they’re a certainty to get ambushed in the knockout phase. Probably by New Z’land. Where’s Dipak Patel?

At least we now know how Operation Sachin works. Knock over the rest for rock-all. Simple. Effective.

India? Appalling! Gangles & Sewag (Shay-Wag?) better start moving their feet and stop flailing at wide ones. Brett Lee sucked Sewag in with a double wide and Gangles seems so intent on sticking it to the Aussies that he keeps taking rank swipes. Once the top order was gone India were never a chance. Harby’s eccentric shot selection not withstanding. I received an SMS three overs in that said Tendulks top score 40. Prescient.

Jason Gill’pie is the best fast bowler in the world at the moment. He has been for about a year. He just bowls TOO well to get batsmen out. Lee and McGrath bowled well and Hogg trapped Harby with a beauty which was neatly captured by the Zoomer. Efrikaans for slow-mo close-up? Just to rub it in (Kumble’s groin also) Darren Lehmann cleaned up the tail. And umpire Da Silva’s been to the Morgan Freeman Steve Bucknor Academy of Dramatic Pauses.

The Aussie chase was a doddle. With ”Hayden charging like a barrister with a bad gambling habit” and The Defendant Gilchrist Retiring Out as he hopped down the pitch and kept going. Until he realised Dravid needed two goes at the stumping. What’s he doing behind the stumps? (Shake of head) The Indian pacers were never going to worry the Aussies so their only threat, The Turbanator, should have been on earlier. Somewhere round the second over.

I listened to the radio. It’s great to hear Henry Blofeld again. ”Ooh. There’s a helicopter. How exciting. Rather a bulbous one too.” He seems to like working with Aussies. He was fabulous years ago with Ray Jordan, ”Splendid shot that Slug old thing.”– “Bloody oath Blowers” and now he does a great double act with Thommo. In fact Thommo continues to prove what dolts the ABC were to persevere with Neville Oliver, whose suck-radio was so nauseating the Beeb commentators started taking the piss out of him. They obviously approve of Thommo's straightforward approach. Or maybe he still scares them. One complaint though. Turn the effects mikes down! Jesus. Every Indian single seemed like a last ball match winning six.

PS: Aussie fans are better catchers than Yarpie fans and there were cows grazing in the carpark.


Day 6 Part 4 - Saturday night at the Tee Vee.

Why go to Oprah or Maury Povich when our very own help line, Gabbin' With Grog, provides all the answers you're ever likely to need. Answers to significant questions such as this one from Anonymous at Google.

What did Rashid Latif say to Gilchrist?

Well, Anonymous, I think I can help you there. My well-placed sources inform me it was something along the lines of; "See you in court White C***!"
Day 6 Part 3 - Saturday night at the Tee Vee.

What with all the wine, beer, ribs, cheese and bickies, errrr, I mean dried fruit, rice crackers and mineral water I've had tonight it's obvious; Cricket Blogging = Clogging. Sounds healthy. Is healthy.

Another beer thanks Broph. Pass the dips while you're at it!

Well. Well. Dear old things - All out for 125.

NB: Gill'pie is a gun. Is he the best fast bowler in the world??

PS: Now that India have been turfed out much earlier than expected I've got a decision to make. The original and best Cat People on ABC or the brilliant gimmick-free One False Move over at Encore.
Day 6 Part 2 - Well, sort of.

A prize to anyone who can successfully marry the words Cricket and Blogger. Crogger? Blicketter? Appalling!

Anyhoo, I'm adding one to the AGB links. London Ozblogger, or is that Aussie Lonblogger, Michael Jennings talks cricket. Cricket good. Ergo Michael good. (Not Kerry Good)

But what's this atop his Blog?!? "You appear to be viewing this blog from Frankston, Australia. Welcome."

Frankston?!? Do I look like I've been fighting? I think your Global Blogging Sattelite needs a tweak.

NB: I was living in London when the Aussies won the World Cup in 1987. Work the next night was VERY satisfying. Apropos to that, Michael must have had great fun at work on Thursday. Sigh. Good times.
Day 6 Part 1 - Look! Oooh! Woww! Ahhh! Crackers!

Received the following corrective E-mail from Bill....


Have you got the right day attached to your Cupdate Updates. For instance today should be Day 6 and not Day 5. I wonder if you're forgetting the Opening Ceremony.


Your point being Bill?

I don't do opening ceremonies. Why? Two reasons.

One, Crackers! Here in Melbourne the opening of a new double-mirrored, metal-plated wine-bar is an excuse for fireworks. They probably had them at Federation Square on Thursday morning. Let's find out from an Intrepid Reporter who was on the spot. No! Whaddaya mean? No!

Down the road from me is Olympic Park. The Melbourne Storm play there and have crackers every second Sunday arvo. That's arvo. Not night. Fireworks in the daytime? What's the point? They'd have them at a vacant OP on away games if they could. They even have them on their website!

Then across the road, not 200 metres from where I type, is the Melbourne Cricket Ground. I'm convinced the ONLY reason The AFL wants to move the Grand Final to Saturday night is so they can have more penny bungers! It's the lure of the Whizz-gablet and the Zzzing-popper. TV rights don't enter into it.

And Two. Big Events! The Oscars, The Grammies, The Golden Globes, The Logies. Nope! Boring! Not even slightly interested.

And what do you get when you combine Big Events and Fireworks? Yes. You guessed it. Opening Ceremonies. That's what! They're even less interesting than slightly interesting. Never forget the evil banality unleashed on humanity by Rick Birch at the S'Siddey Olympics? World, I give you Nicky Webster.

I'm in it for the cricket, the football, the soccer, the motor racing, the baseball, the tiddlywinks. Well, maybe not the motor racing. A parade of past players and a few team photos on the morning of the first match would do me.

Meanwhile I'll continue to watch SBS re-runs of classic Spaghetti Westerns.


Day 5 Part 1 - The soccer was fun. Meanwhile, back at the cricket.

And important matters. And there’s not much bigger matter in Aussie sports journalism, that Patrick Smith. Horse racing excluded, I always read his articles. Sometimes he vents on matters that matter to me, other times he reminds me of the Matter in a certain Camden Town sink; ”Don't go in there Withnail! There's matter!".

Patrick's long been a pundit on matters racial and today, inspired by recent events in Sarth Efrica, penned another article On The Matter.

It's been Patrick's position that calling someone "Black" is not the same as calling someone "White" because....

To call a black person a black c . . . is to validate history. A history that shows the systematic persecution of black people around the world. Apartheid, the Ku Klux Klan, slavery. It is horrific and Australian history shows we are no innocents either.
To call a white cricketer a white c . . . is to abuse him, but it hardly vilifies him, for there is no context for it to be vilification. On what grounds does Gilchrist feel racially hurt?

Now, while I agree with him that, on balance, past deeds against blacks outstrip those against whites this is not sufficient ground to ignore a racial slur against whites.

Patrick's assertion is that when blacks are racially villified they have good reason to be upset, but when whites are similarly sledged they ought to turn the other cheek and put up with it because the insult holds nowhere near the clout.

It's here I disagree with Patrick’s arrogant stance. And arrogant it is too....

Talkback radio raged yesterday because Latif was ruled innocent of the charge of racially vilifying Gilchrist….Caller after caller argued that if black people are offended by being called black, then white people have every right to feel vilified if they are called white.
It is an interesting barometer of what an apparently large part of the Australian community perceives racism to be. Cleary, a lot of Australians don't have a clue.

In other words; "Shut up idiots. Deal with it!"

Who's Patrick to dictate how I should feel. If I was upset at being racially sledged and there was a law against it then I should have the same legal redress as a black person.

An aboriginal friend of mine, once told me; ”You know Tone, we got you Gubbos on the run. We can say whatever we like and get away with it. When we call you White C***s it's a spiteful way of calling you a racist. Even if you're not. And we know it hurts!”

I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who would feel upset at being sledged like that and it's not up to Patrick to judge whether it hurts any feelings. If they want to go to court they should be comfortable in doing so. Not discouraged by the likes of Patrick and his “Thought Police”.
Part 3 - At least there's Rugby Union and that other game. Slurpball? Bedbag? Fruitrace? C'mon you know? Help me out here! The one with the plastic bags and the oranges.

The other day I was playing Phooodboll over in Scott Wickstein's Back-Yard Blog when I enquired; "Didn't one of our boys win some major Darts Champeeenship last year? He was a heeemapheeeliac. (Got no idea how to spell it!)

Well, confirmation (of sorts) from today's brown paper bagged, Crikey Sealed. It was hidden inside the more tasteful, Shania Twain Strips. Uh-Uh. No link you naughty boys. This is a wholesome family blog. Anyhoo, it included this item about Australia's dominance over the old Dart. (Smirk)

So without further ado; it's over to the Mayniac....

No longer is being chosen to play soccer for Australia, like surfing for England. Now the responses are flowing in to our challenge: find us a sport the Poms can beat us at.

Aaron writes….

”It's really unfair of you to say that the Poms are now incapable of beating Australia at anything played outside of a pub.
This is blatantly untrue, as the Poms are also incapable of beating Australia at sports INSIDE a pub, as the last World Darts Championship showed.
A little Aussie battler (also a haemophiliac) from Townsville called Tony David beat hell out of the Poms at yet another one of the sports they invented (and claim to master):


A word to Marcel from Merseyside….

"Have you Aussies forgotten that you're now unable to beat England at Rugby Union? Also, England just won the recent Rugby 7's - I think the Aussies were 4th!

Regards, Marcel (suffering Pom)"

A robust defence Marcel. Marcel? French isn’t it?


Because Haloscan is down. As usual. I had to access comments via the back door. Anyhoo I noticed this one from Jim which I can't link to.

You ask what can the "Old Country" beat Australia at these days...?? Darts maybe??

Although the only time the Poms are likely to hear the phrase "One Hundred and Eighty!" against Australia these days is possibly the number of subs old Svengali Yodaran Longballsson wants the next time the 2 teams play.

Only TWO teams Jim?!?


I picked the wrong day to give up expletives!

On the very day I decide to give up Bad Words I'm tagged a Potty Blog.

Fu. False! I deny it all! Even those slanderous accusations about the thing with the leather-goods and hand-c....errr....

Maybe I should sue? Where's My Lawyer? Put that home-brew down!

NB: On a correctional note. Ben takes us back to the good ole days. The days when the Presbyterian Church was a road-hole bunker at St Andrews. The days when Stewy Littlemore was "The MONDAY NIGHT Nasty Man".
Part 2 - What matters is how you play the game. However, losers will be shot!

El Guardian
Socceroos Shame Both Englands
Cricket, tennis, rugby and now football. Is there any sport where England can beat Australia?

The Independent
Eriksson's Experiment Turns To Humiliation
Regardless of the second half, when England Future looked a lot more promising than England Present, last night's friendly defeat to Australia was an absolute disaster. It was embarrassing, humiliating and shaming.

The Times
Eriksson's Half-Measures Ensure His Side Falls Flat On Its Face
Nothing like introducing yourself to a bunch of Aussies with the words: “Hi! We’re a bunch of stuck-up Poms who fancy our chances. As for you — you’re not quite our class, dear.”

The Telegraph
Eriksson's Experiment Blows Up
"We want four," chanted the Australians. England just wanted the exit.

The Mirror
Shame Of Two Halves
Pathetic, simply pathetic. "You'll never win the Ashes!" mocked the Aussie fans, and England desperately needed to raise their game in response.

The Current Bun
England 1 Australia 3
We used to banish our convicts to Australia. Last night there were another 11 criminals who should have been frogmarched to the boat for a one-way trip Down Under.
Forty-five minutes of cobblers against the cobbers.

Drown 'n Out
There are ways to describe it but I am attempting to maintain some level of decency here.

Can't help but notice they think we're a bunch of scrubbers. While they keep up that attitude we'll keep thumping them.
Part 1 - On the Up at Upton Park!

Just watched the soccer Friendly from London and as someone who's virtually never watched my country in an International, I've a few observations.

Firstly, because Australia were playing it was an exciting game but the general standard of play was somewhat haphazard. There were plenty of shots on goal, but they came about from scrappy ball control rather than any pieces of inspired play. Fortunately this sloppiness tended to free up players so that they could run at the respective defences so there was plenty of action.

Some of the finishing was superb though. Kewell for Australia and Jeffers for the Bath Dodgers were both top shelf strikes.

Both sides had early chances. If Owen and Beckham had scored early for Ing-Ger-Land it may have been a different sort of game. Scholes had one disallowed, but there was a clear off-side. However, the same can be said for Emerton and Chipperfield, among others, who missed early chances for the Good Guys Australia.

Neither side was particularly tight in defence. The number of chances would attest to that. Aussie goalie, Mark Schwartzer, nearly made a blunder of Seamanesque proportions and at other times got a bit cute with the ball at his feet. Tall, slow goalies should not try to run around Michael Owen. David James, in goal for the Poms had a good game. Three goals was a reflection of the number of Aussie chances rather than James living down to his nick-name, The Gimp in Goal.

Kewell's a star when allowed a bit of space. He's pretty good at finding it too. Bet the Poms are ruing the day he decided to play for Australia!

One of the most noticable aspects was the crowd. Although we were assured by Mr Phoooodboll, Les Murray, that it was a packed house, the crowd noise was nothing like the deep, full throated, double-bass roar we've come to expect from a Premier League match. I've not been to an International in the UK. Is this normal? More corporate types perhaps? Theatre goers? Rich bald headed babies?

All in all, a pretty good game, if not one to have the purists drooling. Even though it was only a Friendly it was great the Aussies won and I can't wait to see the Pommy headlines! Something along the lines of the classic Swedes (Sweden) 2 : Turnips (England) 0 would be nice. Then again, they're probably out of material for Australia/England contests.

Never the less, It would be remiss of me in my role as a, in Martin Tyler's words, Capable & Confident Aussie if I passed up the opportunity for some Gratuitous Gloatage!

1) If you burnt the ball from today's game would the remains fit in the Ashes Urn?

2) Now we know what the Barmy Army do in winter.

Hmmm, Ashes? Barmy Army? Nearly made it out of here without a reference to Cricket.
Day 4 Part 1 - Three to Six without parole!

I'm sick of reading this kind of Nonsense....

SHANE Warne's shattered mum blames herself for the positive drug test that could end her son's career.

Yeah! Right! And I once took a hat-trick at Lords! Those subbies need to go on a hype diet! (Insert cheap shot here: Got any spare pills Warney?) [Ed: Not bad. Could try harder. 5/10]

Anyhoo, enough already! You heard it hear first. Shane Warne will be penalised somewhere from THREE to SIX MONTHS!

As Milo Bloom would say; "Cool your jets boys!"


GP, no, not Gram Parsons silly, reckons there should be an Official Book Throwing.


Day 3 Part 2 - You Read It Here First!

A recent report from that hard hitting forum of modern sporting journalism, THE AGB Picayune, noted that....

Nice irony that with Sarth Efrica needing eight an over for the last 20 overs, one lost due to a slow over rate would have such an impact. I guarantee that, TOTAL IDIOCY aside, no other side in this World Cup will make the same mistake.

Well, in contributing a segue of astonishing punctuality, those top-shelf combustapsychos, Pakistan, once again imploded. In doing so they proved they are the Total Idiocy Juggernaut of world cricket. After a promising start it was all downhill. To whit....

1) Rashid Latif gave White Mischief an altogether darker complexion by calling Adam Gilchrist a naughty word. What's more, in keeping with sledging tradition he coupled it with another naughty word that rhymes with sexpletive.

2) After Andrew Symonds had intimately acquainted the crowd with the ball, Wacky Younis twice intimately acquainted Andrew Symonds with the same ball. Subsequently David Shepherd intimately acquainted Wacky with a Yellow Card.


3) Just to prove my succinctly made point, Pakistan were penalised for a slow over-rate.

Obviously there's some truth to the rumour that as part of their training regimen, they watch THIS film.
Day 3 Part 1 - What's good for the goose....

I was at a sportsman's night a few years back where the after dinner speaker, Mike Whitney, recalling a Game at the WACA, accused the Pakistani wicket-keeper, Saleem Yousuf, of heckling him while at the crease and finally calling him a "White C***. At that point Whitney told him to f*** off, but not before the umpire had noted the exchange for further action.

Whitney joked about how, at the subsequent hearing, Yousuf said, through a translator, "I couldn't have. I can't speak English." The protest was dismissed. Then outside the hearing he laughed at Whitney.

Now, as we all know, Darren Lehmann was suspended for calling the Sri Lankan's a bunch of "Black C***s. Pretty tasteless, but he did do it in his own dressing room and was not addressing any player directly. Then when confronted with his misdeed, owned up and apologised.

So, it will be interesting to see what comes of the following exchange from last night's game that occurred between Rashid Latif and Adam Gilchrist. When Rashid was about twenty you could hear him say something to Gilchrist, but it was hard to make it out exactly what he said, although it was clearly some kind of sledge.

What WAS easy to make out though, was when Gilchrist went over to square leg umpire Asoka Da Silva and said "He just called me a white c***."

Following Gilchrist's complaint, umpire Da Silva went over to the other umpire, David Shepherd, and said something to him at which point Shepherd pulled a card out of his pocket and wrote something down.

While this was going on you could hear Gilchrist and Rashid chipping away at each other in the back-ground. Ironically the Match Referee was Clive Lloyd.

I wonder if there was any official report made, and if so whether Rashid pleads the Yousuf Defence. I haven't heard anything yet. I'm waiting.

CUPDATE UPDATE: Just heard via the wireless. He just got pinged. Rash was rash! Now for the lash!


Day 2 Part 3 - Kenya's nice this time of year.

Should New Zealand have sent in a spin-laden Sri Lanka?

Did the dodgy pitches in NZ last month mean they over-rated their own firepower?

Will the Kiwi's, now needing the points in Nairobe, imitate Nelson Mandela's movable morals, and visit Kenya after all? Incoming Spin Alert!

And what's THIS?

"The Sri Lankan off-spinner throws rather than bowls the ball," he wrote.

"I've heard all about how he's had a deformity since birth and is therefore unable to straighten his right arm."

"If that's the case, then that's bad luck for Murali. He's still breaking the laws of cricket and therefore should not be allowed to bowl."

"The reason I'm a little sceptical of the birth deformity story anyway is that I have seen him bowling leg-spinners (when trying to complete an over after being no-balled) and he's bowled them very well."

"It is virtually impossible to bowl leg-spin with a bent arm."

Sense from Ian Smith?!? Truly a big day in cricket!
Day 2 Part 2 - Would YOU trust a doctor who can't spell Trevor?

Just getting in with a cheap shot before we hear the real spin story facts dammit! FACTS!

Can Warney be replaced in the selected squad?

Is he guilty before the "B Test" comes in?

Considering his shoulder, is his absence going to matter?

He recovered VERY quickly after his shoulder injury. Nudge. Nudge. He HAD lost a lot of weight. Wink. Wink. I once saw him in a chemist.

How long before the Sri Lankans accuse the Aussies of going easy on Warne, then linking it to our stance on Chinese swimmers, Muralitharan or genetically modified chicken McNuggets?
Day 2 Part 1 - Flowers don't just smell nice!

Gutsy Stuff from Andy Flower and Henry Olongo regarding the death of democracy in Zimbabwe. Hope they don't run into any problems after the World Cup. Wonder what Nelson Mandela, who believes morals don't matter ANY MORE, thinks about that?

On the more important issue of the Fantasy World Cup, my boy Sanath vindicated his selection in the AGB Gentlemen's XI. Well played lad!


Day 1 - What a difference an over makes!

Nice irony that with Sarth Efrica needing eight an over for the last 20 overs, one lost due to a slow over rate would have such an impact. I guarantee that, total idiocy aside, no other side in this World Cup will make the same mistake.

Those of you who picked Brian Lara must be rubbing your hands with glee. I hate you all! He was a starter in the AGB Gentlemen's XI but was dropped after it was deemed that he hadn't played for yonks so he'd probably be out of touch. Of course he batted like a dog for the first half an hour and had a sitter put down before decided to turn on a scorcher.

Sean Pollock bowled beautifully but when he found out that I'd gone to bed he decided to sneak out and get spanked for more than forty off four overs. Grounded for a month! Then he got out softly.

Makaya Ntini bowled well. His economy was good, but could have done with a couple more wickets.

Lonce Klusener's not in my team but proved once again that his brain goes missing when the heat's really on. As usual he swings like a rusty gate when there's nothing to lose, but when things tighten up he gets a speed wobble. Who could forget his panicked so called "running" four years ago when featuring in that famous BBC cartoon, Daffy Donald Duck. This time round he was busy ball watching when he should have been running so as to give Nickeee Buh-Yay the strike. Klusener was also caught in exactly the place where Captain Carl didn't want to go, but reluctantly went to after being talked into it by Vasbert Drakes.

Lucky for Lonce that Collins had been smoking some Jamaican Gold before he wandered over the boundary line after easily catching big Loncey at backward square leg. I reckon replays were inconclusive, but Barry Richards in the commentary booth must have a hotline to the TV Umpire. Richards was convinced, but Tony Cozier less so. I'm not sure where "Benefit of the Doubt" lies here, but if the same decision went to the Aussie TV jurists it may have been given out. Not six. Never the less, Careless Collins wandered too close to the rope.

You'll notice I didn't pick Chuckles Murali. Say No More!


Sponsored by a cultured Victorian sports fan. Unlike you ugly provincials.

Throw 'em down here boys!

M Hayden
V Sehwag
S Fleming
Y Youhana
A Gilchrist
S Tendulkar
S Pollock
S Jayasuriya
A Caddick
S Bond
M Ntini

Read 'em and weep suckers! You all goin' down!

NOW I understand! I thought he Meant Footscray!

C'mon brain! Work!

Cricket good!







Who's the Cleverest Boy Then?



I'm on the take!

Contrary to traditional socialist dogma, local troublemaking lefty Ozblogger James Russell, noted for his Hot Butt, links us to an important educational issue from the Great Republic wherein substandard students are suing for better grades.

Well James me old red ragger, tell 'em Tony Boy's here and I'm open for business.

Going Price - Ten Dollars a Mark.

No No! Stop reading. Spread the word. Get to it!

A while back Bernie Slattery alerted us to the news that Pod Was Off and that the arse end of The Oz would sport a new dag.

Well the new dag's name is Luke Slattery. Where’ve I heard that name before? Could it be Bernie had some inside oil? I’m sure, as a Pro, he won’t mind me funnin' with Luke. After all, he did take over Pod’s page.

Anyhoo, judging by Luke’s bonce he looks quite the cultured type. The type who presents green grass juxtaposed against white powdery dog-turds as high art. What's more, he'd believe it.

In his first scrawl titled I Lost It At The Movies (If you can find it your better than I) he tries to convince us that a New Year's Eve, trip to the movies became the catalyst for some reflection on terror.

Turns out Luke literally missed the boat on NYE and decided to pass the time watching TTT. While in the movie he'd accidentally left a living Walkman in his breifcase so that sporadic static from his bag caused people around him to snarl the traditional refrain, "Sshhhh!". Eventually his fellow viewers convinced him that it "Voss indeed in hiss bags" that the noisy culprit lived and he’d better do something about it pronto.

At this point Luke starts to strain credibility. Why?
Reaching into the first bag I fished out a Walkman set by accident to the radio, and transmitting only static. I chuckled reassuringly, but in brandishing the object like a trophy noticed that the trio of lights designed to gauge battery power now glowed like garnet in the dark. The crowd recoiled further with a concerted "Ooooh" which was quite polite from a group convinced of impending catastrophe.
Therefore, Luke Slattery, columnist for the Oz, and possibly related to Bernie of Geelong, was stuck for something to write about and in brandishing his Walkperson in a darkened theatre caused everyone around him think that it was a bomb.

As Petrocelli would say, screen fading to blue, "I should now like to recreate the night of the crime."

No one wanted Luke to show for their NYE she-bang so they told him the boat was leaving at 8:00 instead of 6:30. Luke saddened but not particularly chastened, "My friends wouldn't burn me? Would they?" decided to kill some time at LOTR.

Later in the cinema he embarrassed himself with the kind of act he's probably complained about many times. Then, in trying to blow it off as nothing, he brandishes the offending device and tries to convince us his fellow patrons thought it was a bomb. In reality, of course, they were cringing in the presence of a loser and not, as Luke imagined, rushing off to grab their fridge magnets. Only in his mind were they cowering from a dangerous lunatic.

How do I know this? Simple. People who go to LOTR on NYE (And use acronyms) would surely know the difference between a dickhead with a Walkman and a crazy with a Zarklon Snurbleblaster. Hell, even I know a bomb really looks like a toaster with red candles and a giant ticking alarmclock.

Get a blog instead!



I made a mistake! I know. I know. Bizarre!

The other day I wrote that Gus Grissom said This....

"Yeah, but the monkey doesn't KNOW he's sitting on top of the big rocket."

In reply to a spike from an Airforce pilot, who said....

"Even a monkey could sit there on the top of the big rocket."

To which I added this....

"Well said Gus."

Well, thanks to Peter, who e-mailed me....

"However my memory of the movie has the line being uttered by Chuck Yeager as a compliment on all the Mercury astronauts. Mind you I could be wrong."

And then "finally got the energy to get off my [his] lazy backside and actually go and check my [his] copy" ....

"It is Yeager making the statement and it's about Grissom after the loss of his capsule."

Then Kip Commented....

"Actually, I think it was Chuck Yaeger who said that line, defending the astronauts to his airforce buddies."

Thank you both for pointing out my error. So politely too. Thank you both very little. I hate you.

I guess my memory of the film was also "Flickering and hazy-grey". I knew that Yeager was in the frame somewhere but for some reason couldn't shake the idea that Grissom had done the talking rather than being the one talked about.

I even did some Pilgerian research. I glanced at a couple of websites and then had a looked at the cover of the book. Then I watched Daffy Duck cartoons on Foxtel. I subsequently decided the best course of action was a visit to the Bridge Road Blockeasymoviebusterland Video Shop to hire the film.

Admittedly I'd have to cover my face with a wind-cheater as I scuttled past the Tom Cruise Memorial Shelves. However, with care I knew I'd be able to avoid any long term injuries as Sylvester Stallone glared out at me from the cover of the Get Carter remake.

Eventually I'd arrive safe at the uncharted, dust covered ACTION section to grab the film after which I'd approach the front desk to be greeted by the 18 year old dread-head who'd sneer, "The Right Stuff?!? Never heard of it! Why dontcha take out Vanilla Sky instead?", while the rest of the store giggled behind my back.

Unfortunately, instead of ending up illegally parked in front of the video store I ended up drinking beer at the pub. Which may explain the hazy-grey flickering.

So! I hope that clears everything up. After that extraordinarily dignified justification for my error I like to tender my sincere "What was that? The neighbour's cat's on fire? Cooommmming!" Gotta go.

Psst! Cat. Are they gone yet?



I'm seeing things. What the hell is going on with Haloscan and the amazing disappearing comments?

Here one minute. Gone the next. Give me those comments back!

I want a job like this....

Jugdes Award Judges More Money.

Give it to me instead!

Whaddaya mean?!? Not those ALFs.

In linking to an item about Lobster Liberation, James Morrow reminded me of my own experience with the Animal Liberation Front. (Submit Python Gag Here.................)

Back in 1987 I was overseas working afternoon shift in a Department Store that's famous for having more front than everything except itself.

One night I rocked up on the 2B bus and no sooner had I settled into my arduous routine of eating cakes, drinking coffee and reading newspapers (Even The Mirror) than a security guard came and told us that we had to evacuate the building. Turns out the ALF had placed some bombs in the fur section. In a carefully planned protest they were attempting to make dead animals deader.

Never the less, my workmate James and I calmly panicked as we carefully walked in a rapid running style for the emergency exit.

Once across the road we smoked a couple of joi cigarettes and then in accordance with company O.H & S policy congregated at a designated assembly point called The Local. There we fortified ourselves with some restorative bee fruit juices and several tasty bar sna health bars.

After a few hours the one security guard who could stand told us we may as well go home. All in all a satisfactory nights work.

So, even though the ALF are a bunch of nasty nutters and oxygen thieves I've got to thank them for THAT at least.


DRIVE TIME - Brought to you LIVE from Canberra

Here in Melbourne, listening to what's colloquially called, Drive Time Radio, is a singularly unedifying experience.

Last year 3AW treated us to the sledgehammer commentary of Stan Zemaniac. Stan was supposed to spearhead a new, hard-hitting era in Melbourne talk radio. Sadly for the ratings department at Southern Cross, he turned out to be a bumptious oaf who blustered back to S'Siddey with his contract between his legs.

Now we have the NEW Derryn Hinch, which is essentially the OLD Derryn Hinch, but with a couple of extra sackings on his CV and a recipe for Dirty Martini's under the belt. Derryn spent the first day back at Three-ore basking in the rest-home glow of yet another welcoming blue-haired caller. "Thank you, you're very kind." Not my cup of bovril.

Down by the Casino at 774 ABC we're fortunate indeed to have Virginia Trioli extolling the heal-all virtues of hugs, herbal tea and the idyllic life of smuggery that is OUR ABC. I'm off cuddles this week.

Down in Swan Street we have 1116 3AK There's someone there. I think. Jeff Kennett was there. He left. Then they had someone else. Followed by another person. Maybe. Lately they've sacked some people. Off-air staff included. Does John Jost work there? Doug Aiton? Norman Banks?

Nor is the Frequency Modulation Option a viable alternative.

Out of Sinney we have the pre-pubescent left-wing babblings of Twipple J, but I’ve never bothered much with them. It may have improved lately, but I doubt it. Anyway, Maynard G Keynes scared me away years ago. Maybe longer.

MMM is an complete waste of time. Creed (Or is that Pearl Jam?) seem to be on round the clock rotation. Everything’s Classic, or Eeexxxxellent, or Coool, or Hot, or, or...Or fucked! That doesn't sound right. Did I write that, or just think it? Never mind, any station that simulcasts The Panel needs to have it's license revoked.

They are other stations out there too. Pod Adams lurks there in the evening gloom, but along with cholesterol, which in keeping with modern dietary faddism, is bad for you but is probably good for your regularity this week, I'm trying to avoid fatty radio. The rest is either race meetings, Shania Twain or Doof Doof. No elaboration necessary. Let's just say I'm not visiting any of those.

Anyway, that's a round and round and round and round-a-bout way of explaining that I ended up on the Parliamentary Channel on a post just below....
DRIVE TIME - Brought to you LIVE from Canberra (Parte the Seconde)

Yesterday I got in my car round about 4:00PM just in time to be accosted by the voice of Simon Crean. He was up at the microphone chanting two of the most sacred lefty shibboleths. Mandate & Unilateralism.

Then the US. Bush. US. Bush. Bush this. Bush that. Snore. Zzzzz. Whaaaa? Wazzat? Bush? Yeah. Still going.

The worst thing about all this America bashing is that everyone knows that if Labor were in power they’d take exactly the same position as the Coalition.

The speech was liberally salted with the standard Lathamite insults from Werriwa College of Invective. Unctuous, flip-flopping, weasel words, hypocricy, kowtowing, toadying and a couple of lame one-liners about fridge magnets. What?!? No arse-lickers?

Bugger all references to the British though. They’re involved and have been every bit as vocal as Howard or Bush. No. No. They’re Labor.

No acknowledgement of Iraqi attrocities either. His speech isn't about Iraq being bad, it's about the US being bad and by association, the Howard government.

As a garnish he added the “Kids Overboard” incident (As if that’d work) and the Heffernan/Kirby brouhaha.

Unfortunately for Simon, he changed down a gear and simperingly said, ”Labor does support the US alliance…”. The Coalition jeered him and you could almost see the opposition benches cringe. They must have realised, like me, that he'd been repeating himself and all of a sudden noticed he was talking for the sake of talking. If Crean was going to make this speech work he had to keep his foot on the pedal.

He then followed this with some weasel words to justify his own weasel words when farewelling the Kanimbla.

When Crean eventually finished his resignation speech address it was John Anderson’s turn to speak. I’ve never really followed Anderson but his speech was a cracker. Calmly and succinctly putting the government’s position and accurately refuting the shrill nonsense from the other side of the chamber.

His position was so well put that he left me with the impression that no matter what position the government takes or what kind of evidence is presented it will never be accepted by the majority of the left. Simply put, they don't WANT to accept it. No matter how solid. The peaceniks, so vocal in the presence of a conservative government, will always continue to be so.

Even if a smoking gun comprised of crowded cattle cars, eastward bound trains, death’s head badges, gloomy smokestacks belching dank grey smoke and skinny corpses bulldozed into communal graves was presented on a platter, the peaceniks would deem it just another day trip to Bagdad.

"ATTENTION! Stand Clear Platform 7! Broadmeadows to Spencer Street. Stopping NO stations!"

Speaking of Broady



Yes Ricky. It is.

I'm always prepared to cut the Aussie cricketers some slack, but too often they cross the mark.

All things considered, Lehmann was a dick who got his right whack. Enough of the "I nearly quit nonsense" Boof. Few people feel sorry for you.

Stewart McGill is a serial idiot who was rightly belted for two matches for yet another intemperate outburst.

However, I thought Ricky Ponting was hard done by a few years back when some goon decked him in the Bourbon & Beefsteak and yet Ponting was the one who took the wrap.

That opinion may change if today's item in The Australian is any indication....

Ponting said he was sick of talking about Zimbabwe and believed the issue had overshadowed Australia's victory in the VB Series.
"It's getting annoying"

Holy Stuart Surridge!! Enough already! The VB series is a bore! Our loss at Nash Trivia the other night "overshadowed Australia's victory in the VB Series". Remind me. Who'd they play in the final?

Maybe Ricky's been sampling the sponsors product? A bit like Steve Bracks at the Heineken Open the other day. Personally I suspect a tournament organiser named Jeff Kennett, a man who obviously has no grudge to bear, was twiddling the knobs in the production booth to make the Member for Smiling sound like he'd had twenty Heinies and a mouth full of very hot Party Pies.

Anyway, back at the point; stop it Punter! The VB series is an oft repeated joke, but the Bungle in the Jungle is a major story.

"This big, Mr President."

Last night I watched the Kinky Friedman doco I'm Just An Asshole From El Paso. All in all, a fairly low key event but for all of you out there raised on the delicately styled Carry On films or the subtle, yet finely textured, comedy routines of Kevin Bloody Wilson or Rodney Rude, there was an interesting sidelight. Bill Clinton was interviewed about why he was such a big fan of the Kinkster.

Bubba's reply? A fondly remembered joke about Cuban cigars!

Now, as this is a family blog, I'll leave it to someone else to complete the picture.

Ever since Grade 3 when they wheeled in a telly so we could watch the flickering, hazy-grey pictures of Apollo 11 landing on the Moon I've been an avid follower of America's adventures in space. Therefore it was terribly sad to hear the news about the Columbia this morning.

I remember the awe with which I watched it returning to earth after the first flight in 1981 and also remember commenting on what a huge engineering achievement it was.

However, what's always amazed me most is that the only major incidents since then were Challenger in '86 and now Columbia. When the shuttles take off there are enormous forces at work and the booster rocket is really just a massive bomb waiting to go off. Then with re-entry they've got to withstand phenomenal temperatures. When you considering how many meteors burn up on entering our atmosphere it's obvious that if even the tiniest little thing goes wrong with the heat protection then it's curtains.

One need only look at the log of disasters that was the Russian space program to see how dangerous space travel can be. In the Russian case they even struggled to get off the ground.

Anyhoo, not much to say except to express my sadness at the loss but I really do hope NASA gets right back on the horse.

The last word should go to Gus Grissom as played by Fred Ward in The Right Stuff.

An Airforce pilot was stirring up ole Gus with the line that Astronauts were frauds because "even a monkey could sit there on the top of the big rocket". Replied Gus....

"Yeah, but the monkey doesn't KNOW he's sitting on top of the big rocket."

Well said Gus.

NB: I wrote this on the weekend but Evil Blogger's been toying with me. Something to do with access to the FTP thingummy server whatsit. You'd think that because I teach programming I'd know my way around a computer. HA! They'll employ anyone these days?!?

Citing the time honoured media catch-cry, "Personal Reasons", Tim Lane's leaving the ABC....

"I met a wonderful woman two years ago," Lane said. "She has a family so we have had our hands full just seeing enough of each other to make a relationship work.

Sounds like he's met Florence Henderson. Anyway, I can't say I'm completely surprised. Contract snags not withstanding, he was up on offer last year so there's no reason to believe he wouldn't consider looking for a sweeter deal this year too.

Personally, I reckon he's made the right choice. As far as I'm concerned I've had my fill of Tim. While I've never doubted his professionalism I've always thought his commentary to be somewhat mechanical. Now after listening to him operate within in the confines of the ABC for some 20 years I feel he's due a change.

It'll do him good to get away from Aunty and although he may end up commentating with second rate third-raters like Steven Quarterbrain or, god forbid, the ranting dweeb from the West, Tim Gossage, at least he'll escape the latest carbon dated Vaudeville offerings of ABC "Personality", Dwayne Russell and Crackers Keenan's down-on-the-farm refrain, "I used to play with that kid's dad up at Tungamah - Ganmain - Grong Grong - Greta - Narnargoon - Fuck Knuckle North".

The big surprise, however, is that he won't be doing the cricket anymore. Although he's recently been upstaged by, among others, Kerry O'Keefe, Jonathon Aggers and my very good friend Spanky Roebuck and Jim Maxwell seems to have taken over as the master of ceremonies there was no hint that this move was on the go.

Never the less, my criticisms of Tim's footy work also hold true for his cricket work. While his commentary has remained competent, as far as I'm concerned, he's still come across as something of a bore.

However, there's another, more serious reason I want Tim to give up the cricket. He's taking too many Aussie wickets! Seriously! You just know that as soon as he says, "Matthew Hayden's batting beautifully, looks like he's set for yet another fine century", Matt The Bat's going to lob a dolly back to the bowler.

So, see you later Tim. It's about time you gave our boys some respite. Our top seven would all have averages above 50 if you hadn't continually mozzed them at crucial times.

PS: With footy season not too far away, expect more bloggage about Tim Gossage. Especially if he keeps offering up overcooked parochial screechy hype such as "Medhurst! You megastar!!".

Adam from Soccer accidentally reminded me that it's about time I did what I've been meaning to do for yonks; link to James over at HBD. He's a bit too fond of cheap lefty jibes, but what the hell, I won't mention politics.

Any more.

Here's the cover of James's take on Tubular Bells....

Move aside Rick Wakeman. Live at Jongleurs has a new host.

Techno-pop and Rick Wakeman's colourful coat not withstanding, this gives me a Solid Gold Dance Chance to meander off into one really rad gnarly riff (Gool yoof speek) about James's mega-hit and it's connection with Industrial Safety Films.

To whit....

I did my apprenticeship in the Pilbara in the early 80’s and I remember a film at Karratha College where we were taught the following industrial home-truths....

1. Always make sure you remove the chuck-key from the lathe before you start it up.
2. Never look directly at a welding arc.
3. Always make sure you isolate & tag a motor before you disconnect it.
4. Always make sure you correctly foot a ladder and tie it off at the top.

I think there was something about eating asbestos, but I'm a bit hazy on that one.

Anyhoo, the music that accompanied the film was Popcorn and strangely enough, whoever put it all together knew their stuff, because now whenever I stick my breadknife in the toaster, disconnect a cable from a motor while it’s still running, stare at the noonday sun or stand on a stool, on a chair, on a coffee table, on a bean bag to change a light globe I hum Popcorn to myself.

I was also in the Berlin Zoo in November 1999 and I spotted a Deutche-dude, up a ladder in the Snake enclosure changing a fluoro tube. I started humming Popcorn. Couldn't help myself.

My conclusion is that whoever decided to back those films with Popcorn really knew what they were doing.

Message received. Loud AND Clear!

Then again, I could be wrong. Adam probably just felt like some Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs....

Coloured Popcorn with extra sweetness. Beer snacks for diabetics. Deeee-sugary-lightful.

Testing. Testing. One Two. One Two. My - name - is - Tony.

Good! Memory's working. That means this....

"Bishops, Bolshies, Bell Ringers & Bloggers"

which I thought of while watching this....

must be the funniest thing since Henny Youngman first uttered those immortal words....

"Take my wife. PUHHLEASE!"

Unfortunately, Blogger was on the fritz last night. So now it just sounds pathetic!

Thank you very bloody much! Bugger Blogger! Thank you very much for making me look like a complete fool.

Now! What's my LAST name?!?