By tying the Gulf War to the Scuttle Scandal, was David Marr really just plugging his novel, Everyone Overboard - A Ripping Yarn?

The Truth Butcher of Bagdad

Striding self-importantly through the Hotel Meridian lobby. Dry Martini hidden behind his back. "We can feel the shudder of the bombs."

1) Ignorant.

2) Never designed a war plan.

3) Never implemented a war plan.

4) Judgment suspect.

5) Panderer.

6) Dupe.

7) Tool.

Don't forget stooge, flunky and hideous voice.

Guess Who?

Tony sick too.

I'm giving up drinking! "Even-tu-al-eee" I feel like someone's inserted a large garden gnome in me.

Tempestuous tummies aside, (And upside down) I Recently Asked if anyone could help me out with the lyrics to Evening Of The Day by Supergrass.

Well, Patrick The Observant provided an overwhelming response of one, and his suggestion of This Song is duly noted. Personally I thought it similar to This Colourful Number but had to dismiss both as neither seemed quite right. Even though we both seemed to be thinking along the same lines. Eerie.

Another song that kept coming to mind was This One about a very different kind of day. Not Quite Right though.

Never the less, Supergrass seem to be operating in fairly august company.

The riff just kept bouncing around my empty head, and I kept asking myself, what the hell is THAT BLOODY SONG?!?

Then suddenly it hit me. Look at this....

"It is the evening of the day"

compare it with....

"I can't believe the news today"

Nope? How about the second line....

"See the daylight turned away"

compare that one with....

"I can't close my eyes and make it go away"

This give you a hint?

I look forward with trepedation to a Sunday supplement headline, Supergrass Saves The World. Just after the fashion pages and just before the recipe for Chilli Custard.





Yes. Enough! I've had enough! Hear that f**kers? I - Me - T the T. Not you. ME. Enough. I've bloody had enough.

Five months of blogging and I've discovered without a shred of doubt, Great Uncle Bulgaria, the most irritating, annoying, frustrating, galling, grating, scraping, blackboard nailing, paper cutting, icy-pole stick licking, hot drink slurping, open mouth eating experience on the face of the earth.

Waiting for my f**kin' blog to appear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I've taken a pledge to moderate the language. But fair dinkum! Foot down. High dudgeon. Placards. Megaphones. Tummy textas. Day off work. Protest movement.

There's no tangible reason why I should have to look hopefully at a blank screen in anticipation of Haloscan firing up my site!

Decision made, I'm off!

F**k you H'Scum!

Addendumb head: It just ocurred to me that no-one's ever gonna see this. Not this decade anyway. 56 K. Code for glacial!


Not much to blog about today. I'm off to the footy in a few minutes. Melbourne v Hawthorn. All things being equal Melbourne should win. Unfortunately, things aren't equal. I maintain the Hawks are a smoke n mirrors team, but the Dees can be shockingly inconsistent. Week to week. Year to year. The team that takes the early chances will win. I hope that team's the Dees.

More footy stuff HERE from tomorrow.


"No one in their right mind could dispute that Saddam has to go."

A tub thumping right-winger? Nope. A Fox News quote? Nope. Rummy? Nope. Hard core Melbourne lefty Albert Langer? Yep.

Our aim in setting it up is to initiate a serious debate about whether it is really left-wing and progressive to oppose a US initiated war against Saddam Hussein.

He's a long time lefty agitator, but it turns out Langer's pro war. There'll probably be the occasional looney left lapse, but you might want to check out his website.

Make up you're own mind.


Tony - "Hi there. Can I buy you a drink?"

Female - "Sure. Thanks."

Buy concoction.

Tony - "Here you go."

Female - "Thanks."

Small talk. Blah. Repartee. Joke. Blah. Etc. Looking promising.

Female - "What do you do for a job?"

Tony - "I'm a Teacher."

Female - "I've got to go now."

Don't blame her Somehow.


Location Deleted



Ya left ya white stick at home!

I didn't think we here in Poohtown, Vic were going to be able to watch the WAFL games on cable. On Wednesday however, there it was! Large as life. The Claremont v Peel Thunder game sneakily peeking from out behind the giant Fox Footy Extra banner. Thankfully, they've since reduced it's size. I'd like to think my outraged phone call went rewarded. Anyway, I only got to see the first quarter because I had to got to my place of wage.

Ordinarily I wouldn't bother to watch, but following an anonymous tip-off from Gaz in Perth, I was specifically looking out for this particular clash. Why? Well, this was no ordinary game! This game had the benefit of Ozbloggia's very own Gareth Parker doing the officiating!

I'd have liked to contribute a doubtlessly valuable criticique regarding his performance, but in keeping with that long held sporting cliché tenet; "You don't notice the best umpiring." I didn't notice the umpiring. Apart from that rather fetching grey/blue affair they strode the park in, of course. "Thimply Ducky".

Therefore, based solely on the one quarter I saw before I went to the place that gives me your tax dollars. Hee. Hee. Rub hands Fagin-like. Well umpired Gareth.

I've only one pointed but never the less, strikingly pertinent observation....

He's tall, isn't he?!?

PS: What's with this Bandwidth Exceeded business? You understand, Gareth, I ask this purely as a non-affiliated, yet strangely curious onlooker.



I find Crikey to be, shall we say, an enigmatic organ. Here's an abridged item from yesterday's brown paper-bag edition...


Last night's bombing of a Baghdad market by the Coalition, killing more than a dozen civilians, is another setback in the war, and could be a turning point in media coverage.

Yesterday, the international media turned critical in their questioning of the Coalition. The overnight Centcom briefing was punctuated by strong questioning about the success of the war and the accuracy of information they're being given.

Journalists wanted to know:

*Why the US was still using depleted uranium-tipped ordinance, given its detrimental health effects;
*Whether the US could confirm it had killed the civilians in the marketplace shelling;
*Whether by not entering Basra, the Coalition was putting the lives of soldiers before the civilians there involved in the uprising against Saddam;
*Whether Centcom would show a missile that did not hit the mark, or the briefings would merely be a forum for positive spin.

General Vincent Brooks took a solid pounding during the conference - and even some US journalists, who've so far been uncritical during the series of Centcom briefings, started asking some tricky questions.

The General played a straight bat to the criticism, responding:

*He didn't accept depleted uranium had significant negative health effects;
*It was too early to tell who was responsible for the market bombing;
*We're trying hard in Basra, but it's a confusing situation
*And Centcom will continue to provide the truth in its briefings (read: good news stories).

Ignoring the market place missile now the allies have denied responsibility, my impression is that the piece has pejorative stamped all over it. Mayne's now at the ABC and his style here reeks of Aunty's injection of hot words...

Setback. Turning point. Strong questioning. Spin. Solid pounding. Tricky questions.

I didn't get that at all!

I've watched the last two night's briefings and never once got the impression Brooks was in any way discomforted by a particular line of questioning. None of the questions were "Tricky". Only two could be said to contain pointed issues. Both were on Depleted Uranium. Those might even be dismissed along usual suspect lines as one came from a CES Monkey and the other from a Comedian. All the rest were about expected issues. Casualties. Water. Basra. Market place. Northern front. Tanks. Etc. Nothing outside the square. Subsequently they all were, as Mayne writes; "Played with a straight bat."

Seems that once again the questions are the issue, rather than the answers. And these questions weren't even particularly special. Mayne seems to want to inject a touch of "Did you ever beat your wife?" into an equasion where none existed.

Like I wrote, I didn't get any of that. The answers were directly and fulsomely tendered. The only three he dismissed were one about casualty numbers, one that might have strayed into the realm of operational issues and the second about DU which he dismissed with a brusque "I've already answered that." Not surprising with so many reporters to satisfy.

All in all, two very impressive performances from Brooks.

Now. If only I could work out WHERE I told you.

Last year during the Bluebagger's troubles with the AFL I wrote "A certain Carlton footballer and local political identity may be about get swept up in the salary cap shenanigans."

As a professional journalist and sympathetic Collingwood fan, Slatts was immediately on the case....

Sent: Friday, December 13, 2002 6:52 PM
Subject: You serious?

Hey tony,
You fair dinkum about Harry Maddern? Say it's so.


However, it's taken a bit longer than I expected, a fact that Slatts reminded me of recently, but today in the Hun....

The company used to hide the payments, Amigo Constructions Pty Ltd, also had Sports Minister Justin Madden as a director. Amigo was wound up voluntarily last September.

Now Harry's "particularly surprised", "most distressed", "concerned" and "not particularly excited" to learn that "he might have received some profits". Might? Echoes of Carmen. "It is my understanding I never received any payments" My understanding? Time for a new accountant?

Also in the frame is the man who single-handedly redefined the term Conflict Of Interest. Telstra No-Dome supremo, Ian Collins became the Carlton President based on the previous regime's corrupt practices. Now it turns out he's corrupt too!

Essendon President David Shaw resigned from the AFL commission because he was associated with that club's salary cap trouble. If it's good enough for Evans, who was indirectly involved, then Collins, who was directly involved, MUST resign from the Carlton board.

I wonder if Collins will mount the Elliot Defence from the Footy Show; "I knew something was going on, I just made it my business NOT to find out."

Nope. He's dirty. His position's untenable. Time to go, Collo!

UPDATE: Here it is!



Just because the ABC showed Dad's Army for a couple of centuries, doesn't mean their newsreaders have to parrot Frazer, because, "We're NOT all Doomed!"

Tex Is Right! ....

Lateline host Tony Jones has spent tonights entire show practically begging his guests to tell tales of upcoming Iraqi military triumphs. And BBC World is unbelievable, fortelling the next coalition disaster with every piece of good news: "yes, they've secured Um Qasar, but a vicious fight awaits them at Basra" etc, etc.

The guests are more than happy to contribute to Mony's litany of exaggerations....

1) Dangerously extended supply lines.

2) Ominous threat of ambush.

3) Invitingly open flanks.

4) Vicious street fighting.

5) Violent sand storms.

6) Impending counter attack.

But. How does it all stack up against history?

Russia 1812? No swords and muskets! Not for the allies anyway. No Typhoid! No hunger! No thirst! No snow! No Cossacks!

Russia 1942? No second rate Romanian division. No Siberian Division! No hardware advantage! Fer christ's sake! No bloody air cover! No American support.

Korea 1952? The Chinese ain't coming to the rescue. The Russians ain't giving Iraq any tanks. Any APC's. Any planes. Any double barrelled sling shots.

Veet-naaam 1968? Ditto! Add pyjamas.

Today there are dire warnings of 21 tanks withdrawing from Basra. Reporter - "This could indicate a counter attack." More like this could indicate target practice. 21 tanks?!? "Oooooohhhh, shudder! Bite nails! S**t pants!" In the desert. No air cover. Wide open. Bring 'em on Sammy! No more tanks.

The fact is there's no threat whatsoever of a significant counter attack!

The allies are almost at Bagdad! Taken them a week! A week! Let me repeat. A week! They've still got one hand behind their back. Contrary to long held military dogma, they're trying NOT to hurt people! That's NOT.

No one is supplying Iraq. Where are they gonna get new bullets from? It's a pissant, corrupt, murderous, isolated and therefore doomed regime that has already begun putting guns to the heads of unwilling citizens.

C'mon Uncle ABE, Aunty Beeb. Forget Frazer. Remember Jones! "We're gonna stick it up 'em!"

Mac Meets Mott

You know the feeling. You hear an album played a couple times and think, "Yeah, not bad." Later you hear it again and suddenly it's snuck up on you; "Wow! How good's this!" I'm snuck up on! Life On Other Planets from Supergrass is doing high rotation in my romper room CD player.

As Fag Hat, no not Foghat, would say; "Go on. Do yourself a favour!"

PS: The tune and lyrics of track 6, Evening Of The Day are eerily familiar. If anyone can help me out here, please hurry! It's driving me nuts!


I'm a Some Of A Gun!

While reading Aaron's Rantblog it occurred to me that although I've never owned a gun I've never actually thought of buying one. I've never wanted one. In fact, one banged up road sign aside, I've never fired one. I've virtually never seen one. The chances are that living where I live, I never will.

That's certainly not the case for Aaron's Three Amigos. They talk about guns with the same enthusiasm motor-heads display when talking about fuel injected steering wheels.

The ardour with which those hombres talk about Glump 9mm's, Glork double aught Mini Magnums and the Glick splack action self bounce reloaders has made me realise what I'm missing out on. The thrill of a firearm purchase. I live here. I can't get guns here. I wanna buy one. Now I can! Sort of. Thanks to the Flint Blimp's Eating For Columbine acceptance speech, Aaron's thought up an idea that'll give me the chance to experience the thrill of buying a gun.

I won't see it. I won't own it. I won't get to shoot any unsuspecting tin can. I won't have to hand it in to the government. But. I will own it. A bit of it. So, I'm off to throw in a few shekels so Aaron can ask for the bonus leather upholstered trigger guard. MY trigger guard! I might even join the NRA.

Join me Aussies. Think of the kudos attached. In future you'll be able to loudly and proudly proclaim; "I supplied arms to our Allies during Crack At Iraq II."


Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 3

Realisitically, once Sach'n Bash was out the Indians should have had no hope. This wasn't the case though....

1) If the game was washed out before 25 overs then there would have been a complete rematch the next day. Australia's 359 would have amounted to nothing. This is completely unacceptable! Can you imagine the rumpus that would ensue if the game was abandoned after 24 overs and the next day Australia lost after being rolled for 250. In the future, play on reserve days MUST continue from where the game left off at the rain delay.

2) If the Indians had gotten to 25 overs, all they needed was to be 1 for 130. That's marginally more than five an over and seems manifestly inadequate considering Australia mounted a massive total at more than seven an over. I'm generally in favour of the Duckyloo system, but in light of last night, some tweaking of the formula is necessary.

Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 2

Why can't I find anything about this in the papers? It's noteworthy.

Harby bowls. Hits Gilchrist on thigh. Ball pops to slip. Bounces in front of Ganguly. Ganguly gathers. Ganguly appeals. Not out.

Now. Gilchrist clearly didn't hit it. Ganguly clearly didn't catch it. If Morgan Freeman had thought Gilly hit it he would have referred it to the Third Umpire. Rudi.K would certainly have given it not out.

However, what if there was no third umpire? What if we were back in the days before Michael Vaughan and the crease limpets? The days when batsmen asked the fieldsman if they'd caught it.

1) Would Ganguly have said he caught it? I'm thinking, yes.

2) If Ganguly's appeal was in earnest, he's a massive cheat. He knew Gilly didn't hit it. He knew it bounced.

3) Did Ganguly assume the Third Umpire would dismiss it if it was referred? In other words, was it a clever sledge? If it was, it worked. Gilly responded with a crack about the replay then proceded to go the tonk and get out soon after. (After scooping a chance the ball before. Silly batting.)

4) Does this little episode vindicate the Third Umpire's judging of low catches? Benefit of the doubt and all that. Surely instances like that prove the worth of assessment via the replay. So, let's have no more talk of the "Good Ole Days".

Day 43 - Not Quite Right Part 1

You'd think Honssee Cronyeah's 99 bank accounts would've peaked the ICC's interest. You'd THINK?!?

....news emerged on the day that Malcolm Gray, the International Cricket Council president, admitted that his body had all but given up hope of catching the game's cheats.

Uh Uh. I wouldn't Sweep it Under the Covers just yet, Malcolm. It ain't gonna go away....

....DPP to continue its investigations into Cronje's complicated finances suggests that the full extent of match-fixing in cricket may yet emerge.

Getting a whiff of scandal here. Does anyone else reckon the ICC know's who's involved?



First orf, The Australian Librarians. I would have linked to them earlier, but the truth is, I'm a lazy swine. This blog's chock full of protein, fibre, healthy opinion and lashings of Vitamin Blog. The effects last for hours and hours. Oddly, I never saw anything about books.

The other is The Observation Deck. Now, this is one Rolls Royce of a blawg. It's got slabs and slices of everything. Opinions, theories, stories and pictures. Loads of pictures. Weapons of Mass Architecture. Very Big Rocks. Bouncy Rats. Phil & Margo.

And, like all World Class Australians they've got their sights firmly anchored on some of our peskiest vermin. Aunty Abe, the Chickenshields, Shezza Kernot and the Walking & Waving Mob. A little tip though. Television's a terrific Substitute for Drugs. Just plonk the younguns in front of the One-Eyed Babysitting Box. Shut's 'em up in a flash. If that fails, some whisky in the strained apple ought do the trick. Ummm, I'm hungry.

Juxtaposed against all that is a page dedicated to Cock-Rock strutter David Coverdale, lead singer of the Deep Purple Seconds. I'm tipping Kathleen's the big fan here.

That's it. Off you go. I'm putting on Space Truckin'. The Made In Japan version, of course. No Coverdale there.


Are doctors noted for their sense of humour? Maybe. This Noted American Thinker used to visit a wisequacker....

RD - "Doc. Doc. Doc. Help me. I'm sick. Look. My tongue. It's yellow. YELLOW! What should I DO?!?"

Doc - "Don't wear brown ties."

Well, if my recent check-up is anything to go by, so's mine. First the formalities....

Doc - "Breathe in. Breathe out."

Tap. Kick.

Rummage. "Cough?"

TT - "Cough."

Doc - "Good."

TT - "Good."

Doc - "Do you drink?"

TT - "Heavily."

Doc - "Good."

TT - "Good?"

Doc - "Kidding. Well, you seem fine."

TT - "Seem?"

Doc - "Well, there is one thing."

TT - "Gulp. What's that?"

Doc - "Can you help me move some furniture?"

TT - "Can I get a second opinion?"

Doc - "You can have a Chuppa Chup."

Tee Bloody Hee. Doctor Wacky at your service.



Generally, movies, like TV shows, work best with a strong cast and not just big name leads. Star Vehicles are the bane of modern cinema and one of the reasons I now wait to see the DVD at someone else's place. Or maybe as Bill Collins, oops, Bill Collins once said; "You need to stay in practice to go to the pictures", I'm out of practice.

Anyway, Hot Buttered James links to an article in praise of Supporting Actors. As far as I'm concerned it's a topic that needs further industry scrutiny if the industry's not going to disappear up it's own fundamental front orifice.

I find it insulting that someone with the mediocre talents of our Nicole can be touted as a reason to see a movie simply because she's in it with all her Star Qualities. What's starry about her? Her bank balance for one. Her face on the front of New Idea, for another. Her appearances at Gala Openings. But, her acting? Is that starry? Is there some indefinable sparkle in her eyes? Can you sense what she may be thinking or feeling? Does her acting resonate with you? For me it's no on all counts.

In a nutshell, all a star has to do is get made up and remember where the cameras are. Chuck in the odd stupid accent. Our reaction to a performance is one where you're thinking what the soundtrack wants you to think. The whole thing's almost mechanical in it's conception. For me a well constructed Star Turn has all the qualities of a well constructed bridge.

Glazed ham Tom Cruise falls into the same category, as does Aussie Russ, whose fighting, frowning and kneeling down alot shouldn't have come within a Circus Maximus of the Best Actor Oscar.

If you wanna see a couple of examples of great performances, check out these benchmarks....

Cloris Leachman in the closing scene of The Last Picture Show. Astounding!

Warren Oates in Badlands. "You know something? I don't like you Kit." Stunning!

Coming one day. An explanation of why I love "Performances", but think "Acting" is over-rated.


Hey?!? What?!? WHAT kids?!?

Our union rep went to a meeting where he was told to encourage the bruvvers to "Support The Call For Peace", when war gets underway. This morning Neil Mitchell had on Mary Bluett from the Australian Education Union....

Mitchell - "Have you sent your members a message to go on strike when the war starts?"

Bluett - "Errrrr, I haven't."

Mitchell - "Has someone from the your organisation?"

Bluett - "Weellllllll, there mayyyyyyyybe Something Like That from our Federal wing."

Mitchell - "So you're NOT encouraging people to Go Out On Strike?"

Bluett - "Errrr, waffle, glarf, not personally."

Nudge. Nudge.


Day 38 Part 1 - Cricketer Chews Gum and Walks!

It's official, Adam Gilchrist's an all round good guy and the pundits are chuffed to their Moo Moos....

Alex Brown in The Age - "...display of honesty rarely seen on international cricket fields..."

Mark Waugh's Best Mate in The Australian - "...refreshing gesture from a quality player..."

Crash Craddock in The Current Bun - "...an act of goodwill in the modern game..."

Let's get Real Kids!

Surely Ricky Ponting's closer to the truth; "I think Gilly didn't see Rudi's (umpire Rudi Koertzen's) not out. He knew he got some bat on it and set off."

Gilchrist got an obvious touch and not thinking Koertzen would make such a giant blunder, walked off without looking. As my flat mate said; "Not out would have been a shocking decision!" After he'd taken a few steps he couldn't then turn round and come back. I bet he was kicking himself in the dressing room. It's connected to the shower bone. Painful that.

What the pundits would have us believe is that Gilchrist has gone through some kind of catharsis that has him embarking on a crusade to reform the image of world cricket. Or that Gilchrist has made a conscious decision to walk every time he thinks he's out. That scenario simply defies belief. Nope! It was just one of those things.

Never the less, it'd be nice if Gilchrist ushered in a new era in proffessional sportsmanship. I'm not holding my breath. Expect crease-limpets like Nasser Hussain and Steve Waugh to keep their feet super-glued to the pitch.

Footnote: Crash also wrote....

Umpire Morgan Freeman tries to encourage batsmen to walk by leaving his decision as late as possible but barely anyone accepts his offer.

BALLS! What fiction's that?!? Whenever I've heard him interviewed he's said he's trying to find a reason not to give the batsman out. I've never heard him say anything about Encouraging the Walk.


Day 37 Part 2 - Beep. Beep. Text to Tony - "Delicately Poised"

Half time at the cricket. Target 214. That's one more than Sarth Efrica were chasing in the 1999 Semi Final. We're home! Cough.

A couple of observations before I tuck little baby Aptiva in for the night...

1) Sanath Jayasuriya used Chamina Vaas really well.

2) The Shrees must have worked on their throwing. From memory they hit the stumps with four boundary returns.

3) This tournament could be the making of Andrew Symons.

4) Their batting's been fragile, but unlike England and New Zealand, this is the kind of pitch the Shrees like to bat on. Took a while for the commentators to wake up to that.

5) If the Aussies don't bowl their at best, they're gone.

6) I'm hoping for a Daffy Donald Duck , but I fear it'll be Sri Lanka by 4 wickets.

PS: I've a confession. I love Collo! I might even buy a Bald T-Shirt!

UPDATE: - "Move along. Move along. Nothing to see here."

Yep. Too hot for me to handle! I better put IT down then....

Impeccable Source has been on the case. Lawyers. Closed inquest. Suppression. Shhh!

"What a big week in football it WON'T be!"

Day 37 Part 1 - Could be a long night.

3 for 51. Two wickets to stoppers. One to a bizarre crisis of conscience from Gilchrist.

What was that I said? THE PITCH IS CRAP!

First silliness; Gilchrist hits it straight to Murali who bowls it at the stumps. Misses. Not out. Tony Greig - "WHAT A BRILLIANT piece of fielding!! Wonderful fielding!!"

WRONG!! Straight at him. Clear shot at the stumps. Time to aim. 15 metres away. Miss. POOR fielding. Shut up Tony. Where's my radio?



Just received from an impeccable source....

Story doing the rounds here, spread by a Football Personality, that a prominent talented young AFL player fathered a child to his sister, who miscarried with it and all came out when family found child's corpse in a wardrobe. Story goes that Herald Sun was onto it and family confirmed but the paper held off when family said girl would suicide if story came out. Heard anything in your parts?

In fact I DO know who it is! However, I've not had the father confirmed, but the sister of the player and the bit about the wardrobe are solid. The player in question may have once changed his mind. (Me Too)


Received an email from regular reader Jim. Jim maaaaayyyyy be distantly related to an Aussie test batsman of the last 30 years, and yet strangely, he may not.

Anyway, Jim generously asked me to remind everyone to congratulate New South Wales on winning the Pura Cup Final. That's very magnamanious of Jim. He's a Queenslander.

Jim would have read all about it in the Courier Mail.

In case anyone missed the result, it can also be found in the Sydney Telegraph. It's under one of their typically Reserved Headlines.

So, because I'm Nelson; "HA HA!"

Which Simpsonian are YOU?


Day 36 Part 1 - Gorn Pollock!

No surprise round Clogbloggia that Shorn Pollock got the sack....

From Ex-Pat O'Jennings, "His captaincy in this tournament was so dreadful that it had to be done." From Scott Crow, "Shawn Pollock has paid the price for failure." As he should. If you're both dreadful and a dismal failure it's time to hit the bricks.

There's no point tip-toeing round the issue. The guy was a dud skipper.....


Turns out he's also a rat. First he Knocked Back The Dagger and did the Cowardly Thing.

THEN he Blamed A Dead Guy for his shortcomings. "Since the Hansie issue there has been an effort to ensure the captain isn't given too much power." Low.

Now the replacement for Pollock is Graeme Smith. He's real tough. "The Aussies called me nasty words." Sob, sob, kick dog.

Clearly in Yarp Efrica it's not a game it's a shame!

Then there's the issue of Honssie's Missing Moolah. Tony Greig knows Where The Loot's Buried. Come to think of it, Tony ALWAYS knows how to make a buck. What a bargain! Pitch-Chunks. $50.00 Unframed.

Apparently there was a bit of a cover up. It seems the Indian cops found out what was going on but the Sarth Efrican officials decided it would be too embarrassing in the lead up to the World Cup Of Benaud. "....three sources, who said the investigation was called off a month before Cronje's death." Where's ace scandophile Bob Woodward when you need him?

And poor old Honssie. 99 bank accounts. Still couldn't crack the ton.

Speaking of shorn. Seems the Kiwi's are looking for some Scapesheep of their own. I'd suggest their tactic of revealing their tactics over twelve months ago was a tactical mistake.

"Yowzah! I'm idea thin!"

Was listening to 3AW yesterday when the compare, Clumpton Grabarse, raised the topic of Cathy Freeman becoming the Official Face of the Commonwealth Games. Following that announcement Clintarse said Mike Sheahan would be in to discuss his 2003 Top 50 Footballers. (I'll raise that HERE) Prior to Sheahan, however, he took some calls on whatever it is that slow learners people who ring up radio stations dribble talk about. Most calls went something like this....

"G'day Clampass, I'm not a racist, but jeez, haven't we had enough of Cathy?"


"G'day Clinting, you may think me racist, but hells bells, Cathy's everywhere!"


"G'day Clampton, I'm like the other two callers. I've had enough. She can barely string two words together."


"G'day Clunt. She's only got the profile she does because she's one of them."

IDIOTS! I ask this. Who do you morons prefer as the face of the games? She competes in the premier event of the Commonwealth Games. Track n Field is THE toughest forum at ANY games. It's one of the few sports played by nearly every country in the world so it's bloody hard to win a medal. She's won Commonwealth, Olympic and World Championship gold in the 400 metres. You can't get much better than that! Not only that, but she lives right here in Melbourne. In my street in fact. About 400 metres from the MCG.

I agree she may not be ideally suited to delivering the Gettysburg address, but how many atheletes are? What she is though, is IDEALLY SUITED as the face of the games. Sick husbands, grasping husbands, goofy space age body suits and giggly speeches not withstanding.

Personally I'm picking up echoes of Idiot Head at work. Whenever he opens the newspaper and sees a picture of Freeman his face goes potato, he starts to sweat, he slurps his tea and blurts out....

"I'm not a racist, but f*** Me! Not that black c*** again!"

F*** Me Indeed! [Shake head. Sigh. Leave room.]


"What's the capital of Jennifer Lopez?"

Some time back I was between jobs and had a gig hosting Trivia nights. At a couple venues I came across Nevin. Nevin is the type usually referred to as an irritating prick. Others use sterner language. Covergirl Caz would blink her enormous eyes and doubtless refer to him as That Bold Chap.

Anyway, Nevin was forever yelling out smart arse questions in response to my questions....

Tony - "Which member of Queen won the 100 metres sausage race at the 1916 Olympics?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for the name of the butcher?"

Tony - "The moon is made from what type of cheese?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for the name of the first person to eat mooncheese?"

Tony - "Who played John Wayne's underpants in The Searchers?"
Nevin - "Is there a bonus point for his favourite skid-mark's maiden name?"

Get my drift? Guy's a tool.

Now Nevin's Been Banned for winning too much and the Herald Sun wants us believe he's some kind of Guru.

He's NOT smart! Trivia is simple. Especially at Fame Trivia, from which Nevin's been banned. They operate in plenty of pubs, but the questions do the rounds. It's easy to get familiar with the questions. Every night has the same format. Every night has the same types of questions. You wanna win? Read up on world flags, capital cities (World & American states), TV shows and their stars (Especially 60's & 70's), music (Especially 60's & 70's), movies (Especially 60's & 70's), famous people and obviously sport. Nothing obscure, just general facts. They're all available on web sites and in plenty of atlases and almanacs. Nevin's like Tie Tweaking Cary from Sale Of The Century. He finds out the type of questions asked then goes away and reads up on the relevant topics.

I had satisfaction though. I go to Nash Trivia in Richmond. One of the first nights I was there Nevin was also there. My trivia partner Creative Jimbocile was off photographing something. Cows or sinks or low level TV personalities (Well, I might add), so I was by myself. Nevin had been attending sporadically but was being penalised 15 points a night. On this night I beat him by 19 points. As soon as the scores were read out he was over to me; "Who are you? How'd you win?" I replied; "I guess I know more than you." Exit Nevin!

Don't be fooled. Trivia is easy for anyone who wants to be a boring wanker with no life. I know. I'm a boring wanker with no life. It's Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting here whining about trivia. I should be out playing things and watching stuff.

By the way. I'm the guru! It's Indolopian for Teacher.


Flogging to you!

With another footy season almost upon us it makes sense to gather all the idiots into one hermetically sealed blog so that it's easier to keep an eye on them. Fortunately, that's what's happened. A frantic rally of pre-season e-mails between some concerned Ozbloggers, Wayne Jackson, Brendan Nelson, Michael Crichton, (Who wants the book rights) and Grenville Dietrich's personal fitness consultant has resulted in The Wicker Man, Scott Crow, performing a great public service by isolating the rest of the Ozblogospere from the worst excesses of football's most vicious and viriulent contagion, Alcoholic Expertitis. Look at this Pathetic Sufferer.

Of course Scott will be contributing. If the World Cup of Richie is anything to go by, there's some weird parallel universe Steven Hawking's wheelchair quantum thingo happening. We both have remarkably similar perspectives on the bat'n'ball game and judging by our early predictions we also have similar perspectives on the Toofy. As he's an Adelaide Cows fan, it'd be remiss of me if I didn't venture over to Foopbaw Park on June 15 to hurl abuse at him. Along with some choice hot fat footy snacks.

Also stamped on the forehead, For Indefinite Confinement is Perth Traffic Cop! Parking Inspector! Friend of Guide Dogs! Umpire Parker; "Yes, M'lady?", shown Here warming down at half time after giving Wet Toast 63 dodgy free kicks against Melbourne.

Unfortunately due to his prolific nature, Ozblogdaddy Tim Blah Blair has also been sadly afflicted. Although living in S'Syddey and therefore already in football isolation it was deemed important that he also be secluded from the general public. A dark cloud of suspicion hangs over HIS internment though. Seen laughing and toasting with herbal tea were advisory board members, Phillip Adams, Hugh McKay and Margo Kingston. I suspect there may have been some rare sense in their conclusions though, Tim's an Eddiewood fan.

So HERE it is folks. Go read. There are words and pages and lines and other interesting stuff.


Day 32 Part 2 - Whazza matta? Hooza pretty boy then?

What's the go with Chrissie Cairns? He sledges Ponting throughout the Aussie skipper's innings, then when he cops a return serve scampers off to Morgan Freeman for a whinge. Soft!

Of course the Guardians at Fairfax are into Ponting.

We're all sooooo unworthy!

Day 32 Part 1 - Toss You For It!"

Punter - "What the?!? Where'd the coin go?!?"

Tony - "It lawnded in thet raveeen. The one over there awn a gud length."

Guess I'll have to touch wood while I cross my four fingered clovers because there was some bad news over-night. Just when it looked like we might have secured a semi-final against a minnow, the minnow swallowed a macrow and where back where we were. Looking at a game against the crap track bullies, New Z'land, or the bent arm bullies, Shree Lunka.

Judging by the papers, I'm not the only one concerned....

Beefy Botham immediately recognised the threat; "You don't want such big games games played on uneven wickets. Australia will take a lot of beating, but under those conditions, anything could happen." True! "TAIL 'EM UP Punter!!"

Ali Baba's Concerned. "We are determined to produce a pitch for the cricket World Cup semi-final at St George's Park that is conducive to great one-day cricket." So in true Bracksian spirit, he's called for An Inquiry. Why aren't I convinced? Never the less, he's fully aware of how embarrassing it would be to Sarth Efrican cricket if the World Cup was forever remembered for it's dodgy tracks. However, it may count for nothing if the Tide's still in on the Port Elizabeth pitch next week.

Doom and gloom aside, I have to agree with The Spanker when he writes; "The Australians appear to be relishing the challenge and appreciating the opportunity." There's no doubt the Aussies are better scrappers than most of the other teams and that's seen them in good stead so far. But, I also agree with Roebuck whan he writes; "Australia has been playing with fire." You can only tempt fate for so long. Eventually the chickens come home to pay the piper.

Why is it that while the other teams keep losing, they also keep getting lucky breaks to remain in contention? The Australians, on the other hand keep winning and therefore increasing the pressure. They must lose sooner or later. One unlucky break could mean they're out on their collective ears. Of course, it just so happens that we'll play one of the two sides best suited to beat Australia on a Pot Luck Pitch.

If Australia win this tournament they'll have well and truly earned it.


Day 31 Part 2 - MORE?!? The boy wants MORE?!?

Yes I do dammit! And none of that gruel thanks Fatso! AND, you can stop singing!

I'm sick of Blogger! For some reason I can only ever post about 480 words. Less with blockquotes. That's only about a page of 12 font in Word. It means I can't ever do a substantial post. When I'm on a frantic Clog run, that spells S-w-e-a-r-a-l-o-t.

Anyhoo, this arvo, before I went to the place where I get paid, I was blogging about last night's game against the Achy Shakey Islanders and had plenty more to say. All of it juicy. None of it sensible.

Firstly, I was struck by how lowly Thommo rates Damien Martin. He went on for ages about how Martin never makes any runs when it counts. Sure, he's been a bit achy flakey lately, but for about 18 months he was close to the best Aussie batsmen. He's got a big head though, I wonder if a couple of good years went to it. He needs to start moving his feet. I wonder if the Kiwi's tactics last year unsettled him.

I watched the TV with the volume up AND the radio on. I'm starting to warm to Ian Botham, but he's offset by Tony Greig and Ian Smuth. Mike Haysman's an apprentice Greig. Bout time he started auctioning pictures of Table Mountain. Or even a table. $500 Rand unframed. One wonders how these tools get a gig. Simon O'Donnell instead of Richie? Don't Nine ever learn? How about getting someone with a pleasant sounding voice? James Mason's not long dead. "Go ahead Greig. Do your stuff!"

I'm also sick of replays over-lapping real action. They only play them because the commentators have nothing worthwhile to add. Just let us enjoy the rhythm of the game. Don't over-cook it. And the Runout Ruler?!? Close is close. Six inches of six cubits? They're still either IN or OUT. No Inbetweens here. The actual distance doesn't matter. "Shorts don't matter! It's what's inside that......ummm......right."

Also, we know a Melon is a Noggin. In the UK a Loaf is a Turnip and in France a Merde is a Tete. Did you know that in Enzed a Nadger is a Swede? According to Smuthy anyway. Although, he may have been talking about his sandwich filling.

Of course the best line of the day went to the Richie. When he saw three sun-basted shirtless Kiwi zeppelins quaffing beer as they waved to the camera he noted; "Jusssst trying to signal their dieticians." Love your work Doyen. Not dieting. Waving.

Day 31 Part 1 - Pass the port, Elizabeth.

Turns out the predictions of a tight game were only partially true. A Comfortable Win disguised what was, for the most part, a tough contest on a dodgy pitch.

Oddly enough the condition of the core real estate was a side issue. It may have played on the player’s minds, but they either got themselves out or were beaten by good balls. No wicket came about due to tennis-ball tricks. Never the less, runs weren't easy to get on an ill prepared pitch that should not enjoy the kudos of a semi final. That game should not be turned into a game of One Up. Although, the Aussies probably wouldn't mind now they've had a chance to get used to it.

Of the batsman who got out to dud shots, Ponting's was probably the worst, but Cairns and Vincent also fell on their bats. Mind you, Cairns's six was one of the better ones I've seen in world cricket. Martin lamely hung his out for slips practice and Harvey didn’t know what to do with his. Flummo got out to a loose one, but this came about after Travis and Blee had tempted him with a succession of slowish wide ones and his eyes became bigger than his bat. It's true what they say; "S**t gets wickets!"

The Flummo tactic was reminiscent of McGrath bowling to Lara. Neither batsman gets fully across to wide ones as they slash away through the off side. In concert with round the wicket bowling, it cramps their swing and would appear a sound tactic.

Some of the batsmen, however, got rip-snorters. None more so than Hogg, but Gilchrist (A bit unlucky) and Adams also got skittled by screamers. Scott Styris was trapped by a superb McPigeon Off-cutter. Ian Botham; "That's not only plumb......That's just OUT" and Jacob Oram was clinically cleaned up by a ball so good that the stump cam had to have a little lie down to contemplate the cloud formation. This was duly acknowledged by Oram when he saw it on the Giant Telly; "Awwww, Faarrrrrk!" .

Adams had a shocker! A rank beamer and a twin hopper which Travis clubbed for six. It was about then you got the impression the Aussies might mount a defendable score. It's amazing how often a scrambled score after a poor start returns the pressure onto the chasing side. Not to mention the two sixes from Lee at the end.

Lee and Bond bowled brilliantly. Full and fast. Just the ticket on an awkward pitch. Bond gets plenty of wickets against the Aussies, but doesn't seem particularly prolific against other teams. Of course, Adam from Thomastown will be happy with Lee's figures.


Guns?!? Ban Phones!

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kg’s of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had mounted a F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Number 1 With A Bullet Shaped Objet d'ARRRRRRRRR!!!!!

The FBI just released this year's Top 12 Homer-cides.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2 - Debby Mills, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

Thanks to my Old Mate Strutts for the heads up.

It's all about oil!

Will this Moto-Guzzler go Over The Top and complain about the Melbourne weather?


Day 29 Part 2 - Rotation?

New Z'land always give Australia a tough game, and tonight's game will be no exception. They're the team I fear most and, like Richard Hadlee, I consider them a fine team. So there'll be no "Upset Talk" round here, should the Kiwis get up.

One thing puzzles me though. The Kiwis have been dwelling on the success of their strategies in last year's Green Can Cup. Therefore, are they going to use the same tactics? It strikes me that they'd have been much better served if they'd held back on the surprises until it really mattered. Namely now. Or have they got something else up their sleeves? Dipak Patel to open the bowling perhaps? Mark Greatbatch the batting?

Damien Martin's been doing plenty of work on the Kiwi's gully/point trap and Adam Gilchrist's been working on ways to counter round the wicket bowling. What's New from the Black Caps?

Also last summer the Kiwis Went The Tonk. There's no Shane Warne this time so does This Headline mean Hogg's in for a tough match? The Kiwi's wouldn't have seen much of him. Maybe he could prove the difference. He's got an excellent toppy/wrong'un. Warne used his sparingly last January.

So, have the Kiwis played their cards too early? The Aussies have surely thought up some way to counter the Kiwi slog fest. Hard and fast at the ribs is always hard to counter and we've seen plenty of that so far.

However, the Aussies displayed a degree of over confidence last time. This time it would appear they've Recognised the Threat posed by New Z'lund and are hoping to eliminate them from the semi finals. Australia seem far more focused on their matches this time than they did last year when Player Rotation was all we heard about. I've a hunch that should Australia win tonight, the Kiwis will beat India and make it through to the semis anyway.

Never the less, Mike Coward's sub editor is right when he declares that a Great Rivalry Deserves World Stage. This will be a tight game. Australia should win. They won't be as blase as they were last time, but the Kiwi's are playing better too. They keep squeaking past obstacles and we all know that a little luck goes a long way in a tight cricket tournament.

Day 29 Part 1 - Which is it then?

I like Peter Roebuck. Honest! Never the less, he frequently ends up padlocked in the AGB Stocks with me gnashing bad teeth, brandishing an over-ripe eggplant and screaming "Gaggrr. Gurrrrr. Oim f'rrst!". Today's no exception....

"Considering the pressures on [Heath Streak] and the abuse thrown at him by dismal English journalists living in pretty little places like Surbiton...."

Seem's Dismal Roebuck thinks England's a "pretty little place" to live. And, by implication, a safe place from which to criticise Zimbabwe. Or not. If Spanky's March 6 article is anything to go by....

"The possibility of war with Iraq has turned the island into a target for terrorists. As far as visitors are concerned, Harare is safer than Bondi or Heathrow."

However, the last time I Scored in Surbiton, I didn't notice the....

"Police were everywhere, standing still and solemn in a crowd trying to be cheerful."

as they were in Bulawayo in Spanky's article from Feb 25.

C'mon Peter, no-one really thinks Britain's like THIS; slick uniforms though, or THIS; "Pass the cider Ma".

However, it surely offers better prospects than those available to the people of Zimbabwe.


Will? Would?
What's in a Word?

Well, for a start, W!

Point taken.

Anyhoo, it annoys me when the blabs plump for the same stuff. But please, don't try this lame camouflage....


Craig Ellis, Alastair Nicholson and Brad Green WILL rest for at least one more week


Craig Ellis, Alastair Nicholson and Brad Green WOULD rest for at least one more week.

Then, of course We Wonder Whether the reporters know What's What....

Craig Ellis and Alastair Crowley Nicholson both had serious knee injuries in the second half of last year and won't be ready for another three to four months.

If you're gonna copy copy, at least get it Wright!

Beware of flying rats!

Spotted by Boynton is THIS on THIS.


I don't often comment on blogs directly. What's the point? All the bloggers who read my blog probably read the blogs I read and are capable of making up their own minds. Today, however, in case some E-mailing Bulgarian Whore should stumble here by mistake, I'll make an exception because I've read two today (Echo) that really tickled the blogger bone....

First, Wogralia's cleverest ethnic on the Flip You of Adams....

"He is all jazz and Steinbeck about the US but certainy not Ford 500 and "This Old House". Know why? Because he is a A-grade snob on wheels is why. He admits it. He hates Dubya. Dubya isn't jazz and Steinbeck and is much more Ford 500 and This Old House. Ergo, Adam's dislikes him intensely."

That paragraph rings my bells. In fact it sweeps my kitchen, vacuums my TV room and polishes my wand. In short; it works!

Then there's this from Prof Bunny on the inconsistencies of divine Miranda, not yet lost at Hanging Rock, but never the less struggling to get a last race wager on Australia Day without her Pajero High Top....

IF the Professor happened to be passing the Silly Morning Hilmer's HQ and spied flames pouring from every window, he could imagine himself dashing bravely inside, interrupting the meeting at which the papers editors would be debating the correct editorial attitude toward the threat ("...attempting to extinguish these flames only ignores fire's root cause, which is American-made matches..."), snatching up Miranda Devine and carrying her with heroic aplomb through the smoke to safety. In his wilder visions, the grateful columnist wraps her arms about the Professor's muscular neck, begs to be his love slave and follows him home to the Billabong, where she sets a fine example of worshipful devotion for Mrs. Bunyip, who could do with some encouragement in that department.

What can I say? Should the Bunyip manage to write anything stupid then he'll have a collateral blog in the bank. He's lately supplied much chucklement to the AGB romper room.

People often ask me why I enjoy blogging so much. I just tell 'em Willie boy is here. "You don't tell 'em that at all idiot head!"

True. Never the less, keep up the good work folks!

Day 28 Part 1 - Bully For You!

"Morning Bully"

"Shut up you snivelling Headmaster"

Who'll ever forget the West Indies thumping world cricket with an endless production line of fast bowlers. From Wes Hall, all the way through to Curtley Ambrose the Windies were feted for their uncompromising and ruthless cricket. The batsmen who countered them just as much so. Why do you think Alan Border is so highly regarded?

Back in the '70's there was also Lillee and Thompson. This brace of Speed Merchants is often rated the deadliest of all time. Yet while they were terrorising batsmen, cricket fans won't forget Roy Fredericks smacking them round the WACA in 1975.

If you disregard the obvious hypocrisy of them decrying fast bowling, you've never heard these cricketers wailing about how the Aussies have become a bunch of bullies. They all know that if you've got a weapon, you use it.

That's why it really spikes me when I read headlines like We're Not Sorry. The implication being that Brett Lee's doing something wrong. Sorry for what?!?

Fortunately Captain Punter know's test cricket's a tough gig and isn't backward in coming forward when he says; "We are not going to go out there and bowl full wide ones where he (Jayasuriya) is going to smack us over cover every time or point every time. That's a weakness in his game and we've picked up on that of late and we've been able to execute pretty well."

In other words; "Tough s**t!". Nice use of execute by the way. Good man that Punter.

Thommo knows it's a tough game too. However, he shouldn't have to defend stupid accusations about Bodyline Bullies. Especially from slack paced trundlers like Angus Frazer who should know better than to say; "They tend to bully the Asian sides with short-pitched bowling". Racialistical angles not withstanding.

Nope! Pipe smoking, beige clad dilettantes may pine meekly for the good old days of village green, tea-cakes and "jolly-fine-shot-that" but top class Elysian Field cricket disappeared with green rubber spiked batting gloves, Phillip Adam's whistful memories of Dickies towels and the Titfield Thunderbolt.

Let's ask Big Curtley to get nice. What was that Big Fella? "If you don't like the heat, get back in the kitchen!" Love your work Amby!


Time to give up the Cat-Nip!

I don't know what she paid, contacts at Betty Ford maybe? But Boynton has a Very Rare Photo of the reclusive but hard living rock star who cartoonified into Bloom County's resident addle-head Bill The Cat.


I always suspected as much....

lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

Sort of via Splandrea.


I have a short attention spa...."Wonder what's on the History Channel?"....n so when it comes to newspapers I normally get about halfway through the first paragraph and my mind sta...."World War II AGAIN?!? Aren't there any other w"....rts to wander.

Not today though! Not if This Article brought to you by C.B.Philosopher is any indication. Fortunately for me it's a...."A MUSICAL?!? Is that ALL they have on TCM?!?"....short article....

Suspicious Protester Wraps Himself In Duct Tape

WASHINGTON -- Parts of the U.S. Capitol were closed off Thursday afternoon because of a suspicious protester.

News4 has learned a person wearing long white robes was in the area of the first floor of the Capitol and was holding some type of protest.

Witnesses said the man was wrapping himself in duct tape and talking about why the United States should not engage in a conflict with Iraq.

The middle portion of the Capitol was closed off on all floors, but the building was not evacuated.

The man was taken into custody and the building has since reopened. Investigators said the man had nothing dangerous.

The reason I had to keep reading? Suspicious of course. I couldn't immediately work out whether he was a "SuspectOR" or a "SuspectEE".

Was it?

White Robe Crank - "I suspect the govt are up to something naughty."

Or was it?

Spokesman - "We suspected Crank had a bomb hidden up his duct tape."

I Suspect the News 4 funsters were having a slow news day.


Excuse me. Does THIS belong to YOU?


Pretty Green? You're soaking in it!

I used to read the Green Guide. Now I don't.

I know! I know! Ho Hum! Snore! Another right wing blogger sets up for a lash at The Age! "If I don't like it, why don't I change the channel?"

I changed the channel.

Except today. Today I had a bit of a ruffle. Constancy's important to me, so rather than a spoonful of tasty, orange and powdery Metamucil I thought I'd regulate my colon with a dose of Ross Warneke's sub-level bore, Debi Enker's ABC kick-backs and a bonus helping of "Where my Sunday night opera?".

Anyhoo, turns out there's a section on blogging! To quote Caligula; "You could have knocked me down with a feather Uncle Clavdivs, I wasn't a god after all!"

As many a regular reader to the AG Blog may have realised, I'm a dedicated tee-totaller, devotee of Adult Contemporary music and very occasional user of bad words. "I'm so naughty!" In other words, I'm fully suited to my calling as educator, mentor and role model to tomorrow's leaders. In short, a teacher. But not just any teacher. A teacher of Computers, Mathematics and Newfanglery.

Which leads me to Blogging?

Naturally, on the very odd occasions I open in it, I immediately deposit the Livewire section in the rubbish with last weekend's glossies. I teach Technology, doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to want to read about it.

Today, however, one segment caught my eye. The Meme Of The Week....(What's a Meme?)

Continuing war concerns are making all things Iraq hot again this week. The retreat of most of the so-called "human shields" was much commented on by bloggers, along with various reports on the United State's preparation for war. Most comments were along the lines of the shields chickening out and being spineless - mostly written by people who are nowhere near Iraq.

Whaddaya know?!? Very Placard! Very Tummy Texta!

Halleluja! The war-bloggers are safe. Just like the Chicken Shields. They're safe too. Beirut, in fact. Looking for bricklayers mechanics. "I'll get you for that Butler!"

Does anyone seriously believe this Meme would have got a run here if it'd hadn't been a cheap pop at nasty righties?


Day 24 Part 1 - Rout Of Africa.

All through a difficult southern summer Nasser Hussain performed his duties with dignity and humour. Turns out he wasn't playing out of character either, because now he's gone and done The Honourable Thing.

Chances are that Sean Pollock may also be Offered the Dagger in the hope that a mourning nation may yet Save Face. Did I say mourning? Yep. Seem's it's What They're Best At.

Patrick Smith writing in today's Australian Said as Much when he noted; "Even Tony Greig in the commentary box told us Boucher needed to score a single at least off that last ball...."


Yarpies coach Eric Simons certainly agrees! "Simons also expressed the hope that Shaun Pollock will not step down as captain after facing a barrage of criticism." We Joe Shlubs here in fanland all know that's code for; "We shall be appointing a new captain in the morning."

I'm tipping the last conversation between Hussain & Pollock went something like this....

Sean - "After you."

Nasser - "No. Nooo. After you."

Sean - "Ooooooooh. Never. Do lead."

Nasser - "You're too too TOO kind. But no, I simply couldn't."

Sean - "Together?"

Nasser - "Ooooh yes. Let's!"

Sean - "Well, it IS raining. Let's share."

Nasser - "What a good idea!"

Sean - "Thaanngg gyoo."


Day 23 Part 1 - Water off a duck's back!

Whaddaya mean? One more?

Daffy Duckworth Lewis knows The Score. "Yess-thir-weee!! One More!"

So does this Little Black Duck!

Not so, this Duckhead!

"Count us out then."

As usual, Florida drug lawyer and Krav Magic Doughnut Fondler, Steve.H, puts an Absurd Situation in the right perspective.

(Note to self - Kick me in arse for not thinking of Python connection)

There's piles of stuff been written about this so thre's rock all to add, however I do find it almost impossible to get my mind around the idea that the Chickenshields chickened out when there was a shieldin' to be done.

Seems a bit like becoming a football then quitting because someone might kick you.


Now that some of us are talking about The Classics it'd be remiss of me to ignore the renaissance of this Prominent Historical Figure.


OH! The Humaaaannnity!

Day 22 Part 2 - We like it rough.

Great win by the Aussies. Bad sleep by the teacher. Those winning streaks though. Startin' to worry.

Bevan's a freak and the freak wasn't even playing. Work that one out. Travis Bichel was fabulous too.

Based on the closeness of games played on those diplomatically termed "Difficult Pitches" it must be tempting for cricket authorities to throw up dodgy tracks all the time. If January's pot-holed bat-off is anything to go by, they already have in New Z'lund.

Not much to say on the game that hasn't Already Been Said, but I've a few observations....

1) Andy Caddick's fine when the going's good. As it was early when the Aussie top order were getting themselves out. When the heat's on though, he turns into one great big grey-haired pressure bunny. Those last two over's of his were soft as big soft pink chewy confectionary.

2) The choke was contageous too. Michael Vaughan's last over Mid-on mishap reeked of classic Shark.G.W.

3) It would be brilliant if one of the Pommy fielders had sledged Travis Bichel before he hit that six. Imagine the comeback; "SCOREBOARD!" Don't forget to point Trav.

4) On the very next ball Andy Caddick lamely fell into line behind a nicely stroked, but hardly scorched on-drive. How do you take your coffee Andy? "With Marshmallow thanks" Do surprise.

5) I've never considered myself an overt patriot but there's something warm and reassuring about a bunch of yellow clad bozos bouncing up and down with their blow up kangaroos. Nice work folks.

6) Ex Pat O'Jennings must be loving work at the moment. One - The Ashes. Two - The Green Can Cup. Three - The Upton Park Murder Massacree (In Eleven Part Harmony) . Four - Nil.

Finally, who's this?

"Oh Yes! THAT'S OUT!"

"Now. That looked plumb. Lets have a look at the replay. Pitches outside leg. Missing off. Not Out. What saved him was he was across so far"

What saved him was the ball wasn't going to hit the stumps. AT ALL!

The batsman's Lehmann. The commentator's holding......his willy.

Day 22 Part 1 - I'm sorry. I'll say that again.

At about one o'clock I wrote....

Day 22 Part 1 - Thank god for that!

Australia have lost. Good! When I think we may go into the final on the back of a 16 match winning streak I shudder.

It only needs a lost toss and all of a sudden we're chasing a difficult target on a dodgy pitch against a side that has the scent of upset in their nostrils. In those circs everything always seems to go right for the under-dogs.

Tonight, Andy Bish-elle excepted, it has.

We've got that self same dodgy pitch. And everything's gone right for England as well. Dropped catches re-taken, Vaughan. Bad LBW's, Martin. Poor caught behinds, bonus fumble included, Hogg. Miss-hits all going straight to the fieldsmen.

The upside is we've managed to release some of the implied pressure that a winning run entails.

Well, whaddaya know?!? I'm wrong. Don't count your Bevans until they hatch. That was one of the best get-out-of-jail efforts since Ronnie Biggs chased 550 for Wormwood Scrubs against the Dartmoor Gentlemen's XI.

PS: Can anyone remember a better Man Of the Match performance than tonight's tour de force from Travis Andy Bickel? What happens when Jason Gill'pie regains fitness?


Great Blokes & Bonzer Aussies

While reading Caroline Wilson in the Sunday Age....

Like Shane Warne in his excuse for an interview on Channel Nine five days ago - amazingly, the cricketer was never adequately asked why he had changed his story.....

it occurred to me that it's not only Shane Warne's credibility in the toilet. Ray Martin came back to ACA ostensibly to lead it away from health fads, shonky TV repairmen and naughty neighbours. However, since he's been back he's investigated termites, Simon Crean and now Great Bloke & Bonzer Warnie.

Ray's "interview" with Warne will probably be counted amongst the luminous journalistic moments of our time. The moments that include such items as John Safran & Ray's Rubbish Rummaging and Martin's weird TV show that addressed significant issues du jour such as The Little Black Dress. What the hell was that all about?!?

ACA needs a cigarette packet style warning.

Watching This Is Bad For Your Health!

Day 21 Part 1 - "Ooh Ooh Ahhh! Just look at that follow through!"

From this purist's perspective, there's nothing quite as enjoyable as watching Sachin Tendulkar bat. Last night, in the Clashmir of Traditional Rivals, India and Pakistan, he played another masterful innings to see India home. The only pity is he didn't make his century.

Tendulkar makes me drool in my TV snacks. However, it's not as if you're in awe of his power as he doesn't flail away like Viv Richards or Adam Gilchrist. He never looks like he's going to get out as he cruises along like Mark Waugh. You just don't expect him to be dismissed for a "Gracefully made 44". He's also got less than classical footwork, but he is beautifully balanced at the crease. And, refreshingly, he's no show pony as there are no histrionics when he goes about his batting, bowling or fielding. Although he did stun me one day in the 1998 series in India when he casually threw a Left Handed return back from the boundary and right over the stumps. I think most of us know how hard it is to throw with the other arm.

I guess he doesn't need to carry on when he can amaze you simply by batting. The on-drives past the bowler before the bowler has a chance to move. The wristy flicks through the leg side. The sweeps that start outside off-stump and end up with the ball hitting the ropes at very fine fine-leg. And most of all, the back-foot caress either through covers or once again back past the bowler. The last one is the true masterpiece. Shoaib Aktar, Waqar Younis and Wazim Akram could all reasonably expect their straight balls, just short of a length, to be dropped at Tendulkar's feet. However, the merest push of his bat sees the ball speeding back past their feet. Over to you Richie? "Wonderful shot that."

At least Shoaib Aktar got his pre-match wish. He made the statement that he'd like to get Tendulkar out. He did. In his second spell after Tendulkar had spanked him out of the attack early on. Seven balls for twenty runs.

The upshot is though, that Pakistan are out and India, after their debacle against Australia, are looking dangerous. Especially if Tendulkar can get going.

Update: While receiving the Man Of The Match award Tendulkar showed admirable modesty and poise, without the hint of coaching all too apparent in an Aussie speech, . However, Robin Jackman ought to be given the flick for telling the crowd to shut up for booing Waqar Younis. I'm waiting. Waiting. Still waiting" So are we Robin. Get on with it!