FUCK!

and

DOUBLE FUCK!

Yesterday's Business section of the After Grog Blog Picayune carried an item revealing Impending Bad News on the IR front.

Well it seems we've been upgraded from Impending to Imminent....

Sources close to Saizeriya said there was 'no hope in hell' the Japanese company would go ahead with its $200 million planned investment.

As usual, the Premier offered a vigorous defence of the Government's position....

Mr Bracks' office did not return calls from the Herald Sun.

Doomed I tell you!

Just received this e-mail from a friend in Perth who recently breezed through Melbourne on the way back from a family hoe down in Ballarat. What to do on a Sunday arvo with two young'uns to entertain? We went to the zoo and of course I had to explain the meaning of every Latin name on the enclosures.

Dear Tee

Jesse told his class for news, your explanation of why they called the Gorilla, Gorilla gorilla. Ie, it was so scientific they said it twice.

Love Nola

Soon the whole country will be basking in Tony the Teacher's golden aura of enlightenment.

Ban The Bunny Too!

Subsequent to yesterday's Herald Sun item about Santa Not Making It To Croydon, comes this story relating to an escalation of hostilities that now threatens to engulf The Easter Bunny.

It seems that under questioning, Vic Ed employees can't get their stories straight. Yesterday in the Hun....

A worker at St Andrew's kindergarten, in Clifton Hill, said most children would celebrate Christmas at home instead.

But today....

Ms Dupleix said many people could not afford to celebrate Christmas, and not inviting Santa was out of respect for those people as much as it was for minority cultural groups.

Feel chuffed poor people? They respect your right to stay home alone and eat stale white bread.

Liberal leader Robert Doyle attacked the Bracks Government over the Santa boycott, saying it was political correctness gone mad.
"I blame the Bracks Government for the demise of institutions like Santa." Mr Doyle said.

Smile Pod offered a strident denial, or rather he didn't....

But Premier Steve Bracks was not to blame, a Government spokeswoman said.

Expect an enquiry to be called.

The Easter Bunny. Mother's Day. Father's Day. As Frazer in Dad’s Army would say….

Doomed!

This will come as a major disappointment to my mate Jim who this year got paid a small fortune for the privilege of wearing a bunny suit and being taunted by pre-schoolers.

What's next? Well The AFL Grand Final of course. It sometimes coincides with Yom Kippur. The Melbourne Cup? That’s in Ramadan.

Smile Pod Steve Bracks avoids all the dirty work. That job goes to the real Premier, John Brumby. Here he prepares us for some Bad News....

"We've never ... made any public commitments about further investment. We'll compete for those, but at the end of the day they're a global company and they'll look globally at the best site." Mr Brumby said.

Meanwhile Smile Pod says some nice, meaningless things....

"We have (learned) lessons from that and we will move more swiftly on those matters in the future." Mr Bracks said at the time.

Pending an upset, expect an inquiry to be called on Monday.

The Kinder Khristmas Kraziness of my very own Nourishing Mother has even reached as far as the Great Republic.

Barrel O' Crackers, who always has a good eye for a story, has blogged the Anti Santa Silliness at the Swinburne Uni of Technology.

It's what you'd expect though. Swinburne's holding hands with the Victorian College of the Arts.

Speaking as a Maths teacher....

Arts + Education = Run For Your Lives!

And what's this nonsense?

Swinburne spokeswoman Jenni Austin said staff had decided that Santa was not appropriate.
"As a university, we have to be sensitive to the views of minority groups." she said.

Isn't Santa a minority group?

Taylor! Keep Eating!

The post below refers to an Age article about Robert Doyle….

All up, Doyle has spent 10 of his 49 years at Geelong College, six as a boarder and four as a teacher. His time as a boarder was clearly the defining period in his life, instilling in him a system of values and shaping his personality.

Boarding School was the defining period in my life too. I’ve now got a cast iron stomach and have never sent back a restaurant meal. No matter how bad. That would be ill mannered. I even managed to get through the uncooked sweet potato affair at The Gruel House on Tuesday night.

Now that’s what I call CHARACTER DEFINING!

Say It Loud! I'm Pilger Proud!

I've done the research and come up with the following startling revelation.

According to The Age....

Before entering parliament at the 1992 election, Doyle spent 15 years as a teacher. After Geelong, he was at Lauriston for three years and Scotch for eight.

And according the The Australian....

He's also a former teacher of mine, back when I was a teenage socialist idiot (at one of Victoria's wealthiest private schools, naturally).
A clue as to how he will perform might be found in his teaching days. In 1981, all the misfits and outsiders at his school – from sports-fixated academic underachievers to dope fiends and sociopathic overachievers – were placed under Doyle's control. Due to an, er, administrative error, I was among them.

So, assuming he wasn't teaching in 1992, from 1984 to 1991 Doyle was at Scotch College. Three years before 1984 he was milking cows at Geelong College.

That means for the years 1981, 1982 and 1983 he was at Lauriston.

So there you have it, Timmy's really a Tammy! Or could this just be another, “Er, administrative error”?

Strangely enough, as I stare at the picture peering over his byline Tim’s starting to look more and more like Carmen Lawrence. Spooky.

I like Richard Hinds. If you don’t know his shtick you can catch him at the Fairfax Club doing "Stand Up Sports Writing". Sometimes he's on. Sometimes he's off.
In Todays' Age he's on AND off. But mainly on. He's cobbled together a collection of one-liners about why we should enjoy the latest episode of The Ashes.

The Off

Botty gags….

Having been a pain in the bum for England, it will be interesting to see how Matthew Hayden copes with one himself

Hat gags….

Will Steve Waugh's Baggy Green Threads hang together until his final Test in Sydney.

Fat gags….

Shane "Skinny" Warne is likely to become the first Australian bowler to take 500 wickets before the end of the series, rivalling his feat on the last Ashes tour, when he became the first Australian bowler to eat 500 pizzas.

The On

Pyjama gags….Remind me. Who was the third WSC team last summer?

On December 13, the one-day series begins with a day-nighter between Australia and England at the SCG. There, under a shower of beer cups and ice cream cones, you'll gain a true appreciation of Test cricket.

Shipping news gags….Gotta love Aggers.

There is considerable pleasure to be taken hearing BBC commentator Jonathan Agnew greet breakfasting English listeners with news of their brave lads' latest disaster.

Footy gags….Go Dees!

Everyone likes to see Collingwood lose - even if it is the latest inclusion in the England squad, Paul Collingwood.

NB: Richard follows Collingwood.

All in all an enjoyable read. However, it does raise an issue that I would certainly write about if I had my own paid column inches.

To whit; why get upset with the Aussies for kicking arse? It’s GREAT!

Never the less, every time I open a paper I’m confronted with an article whining about the lack of a contest. Les Grande Dames of Aussie cricket writing; Mike Coward, Greg Baum, Malcolm Conn and Robert Craddock keep telling us the game sucks because we’ve made a habit out of flogging the Bath Dodgers. So what! Spanky Roebuck hopes for a contest too, but he’s a Pom so that goes without saying. Does anyone suspect that this is all a front for the paying public? I’ll bet that in the press boxes hereabouts the English hacks are copping a hiding.

Remember how it was a few years ago. Todays’ so called pundits may long for a contest and fear for the future of the game, but what goes around, comes around. It does! I swear!

When you’re on top though….

”If you’ve got ‘em down, don’t let ‘em up.”

Agree with Blair about the Wog Blog. Excellent wog! Errr, Blog.

That fuckin' colour scheme though! Am I alone here? I Hate that fuckin' template! How am I expected to enjoy it from 3 inches away? It's VERY uncomfortable!

Note to self – Think First. Speak Next.

To whit, the following quote appeared on page 20 in yesterdays' Herald Sun

"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."

Ogden Nash

Pretty obvious I suppose. Can’t remember the last time I saw Rupert Murdoch digging a ditch. Anyway, one of the chaps decided to read the quote out for the amusement of the common room table. Much chucklement ensued. And also the following (serious!) comment….

”Yeah! Fair enough! Why should a garbo who cleans the streets of disease get less money than someone who just moves money around?”

To which I replied….

”Yeah! Right on Brother! Rich bad! Poor good! YOU wanna get paid the same as a garbo too? Then YOU can leave the wheely-bin in the middle of the street.”

Chorus….

”Shut up! Yeah, shut up! Looking forward to Saturday? Blah! Blah! Xarble! Sloommbut! Rhubarb! Earache! Fascist! Liberal voter!”

Yes indeed! Note to self – Think First. Speak Next.

Think First. Speak Next.

Think First. Speak Next.

Thenk Feast. Spak Fest.

Spank Fist. Tank Nest.

Speak First. Think Next.

That's it! I'd better remember that nime text.

During todays' lunch break in the cricket Ashley Mallett was giving a spot of coaching to an Under 17 hopeful...

"Just reach high and chuck it up there like Muralitharan"

Hee hee, and don't forget to bend your arm.

I always thought Gary Moorcroft was a scrubby, talentless, freckle-head.

Round 3 - 39 - Melbourne - GARY MOORCROFT - ESSENDON

I never realised he was such a great player. Go Gazza!

Warning! This Post Contains Bad Language!

Gameboy Adam is an optimist.

Anyway, we're just six days from the election and Centrebet now has Doyle at $9. Oh dear, is it too late to change what I said once about Centrebet being the all-knowing oracle of what was going to happen in the world? No, fuck it - we're still going to win!!! You heard it here first.

Nope. Sorry Adam. It ain’t gonna happen. All along I’ve been hoping for a revival, but Dean put paid to that. The Labor campaign is hitting all the right buttons. I just saw the Labor ad on telly highlighting that fiasco when suddenly it hit me like a sledgehammer.

We’re gonna get righteously butt fucked! The bad guys are gonna win again. Four more years of darkness.

Kennett’s sloppy electioneering last time round has a lot to answer for. What a fuckin’ time to hand over incumbency. I can see Labor in power for the next ten years. At least.

And they’re set to gain control of the upper house. Imagine if those cranks are let off the leash.

Cry fuckin’ havoc!

Social engineering sound familiar Adam?

Free smack. Union craziness. Free paint for street kids. ONE shower per suburb. Free hookers. Company closures. No jobs.

Candy Broad, Peter Batchelor, Cheryl Garbutt, Mary Delahunty, Christine Campbell, Rob Hulls, Andre Hayermeyer.

Jesus fuckin’ Christ on a cross!

Our taxes pay for these disgusting, loathsome, woeful, pathetic, pedestrian, whining, low-level under-achieving hypocrites. The knowledge that I’ll have to put up with their shit eating grins on election night fills me with unutterable dread. How dare they accept my taxes when all they do is ride along on Steve Bracks smile and John Brumby’s’ scheming. How dare they accept credit for anything at all when the only thing they’ve done is build on Kennett’s’ good work. All the while telling us what a monster he was. And the BRAINDEAD FUCKIN PUBLIC swallow it! Aaarrgggg!

I want to turn this into a gigantic rant but I’m so angry at the…..bugger it!

Watch them ruin my life!

60 Seats to Labor! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Conrad Relishes Conflict. He main-lines dispute. Craves disagreement. Likes trouble.

Hey! He must be a Lawyer.

Oh yeah, right.

"I never intended to grow up to be an asshole. Nevertheless, it seems it happened."

Of course he is. Stereotyping? A VERY hard working teacher sympathises.

It’s probably too easy. Why bother? What the hell. They deserve it!

Cue Nelson Muntz....Ha Ha

Carlton's new president, Ian Collins, shaken and angered by the severe punishment, said the club was "on the brink"

Hee Hee.

"A fine of this magnitude would push any club to the brink. The penalties don't fit the crime."

Haw Haw.

"This is a bloody-minded decision and relationships between the AFL and Carlton are strained, to say the least."

Ho Ho.

"There is very little incentive for Carlton in 2003 and we are concerned what this will do to our financial strength and playing strength, and whether during the year we will be able to field a side."

Boo Hoo. I wasn’t aware they fielded a side THIS year.

Collins has worked at Caaarlton, The AFL, Colonial Stadium and now back at Caaarlton. At each posting he’s been party to many, many questionable decisions and as he’s said before….

”What comes around, goes around.”

Too true.

What has Jack Elliot said?

"We're the best club in the history of the competition."

"St Kilda? Why would you join THAT rabble?"

"Footscray have a tragic history."

"Essendon cheated to win the 1993 Premiership."

"We don’t rebuild at Caaarlton."

They better start now.

NB: The author of this post has occasionally every year, been a Redleg Member of the Melbourne Football Club. A fine upstanding organisation who once, due to circumstances out of their hands, accidentally found themselves in the unfortunate position of overlapping the Salary Cap.

I often wonder what other Bloggers are like in person. Short? Tall? Fat? Thin? Chalk? Cheese? Well, I found out. I met Angry Anderson! No, not cartoon covered Rawk'n'Roller Angry Anderson. To my knowledge he’s not a Blogger.

I'm talking here about fellow Melbourne Ozblogger and decent right wing chap Angry Anderson. This Angry has no tattoos and a full head of hair. Or a very very VERY convincing rug.

Happily I can report that he's as excellent in Real-time as he is On-blog. He has some faults though. I’m sure he won’t mind me pointing them out in public.

He follows Caaaarlton. This is bad. They cheat. I did, however, manage to show remarkable restraint of gloat.

He comes from Adelaide. Also bad. However, as he never once tried to Cut off my head and stick it in a vat of Acid I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

And oddly enough for a South Aussie, he had his L's intact. For all of you unfamiliar with Aussie regional accents, South Aussies usually sound a bit like Elmer Fudd.

Minor quibbles though. All in all an excellent evening. Fish & Chips were eaten. Beer was drunk. Angry left with a fine looking lady. I went home in a taxi.

Catch it on your ABC.

Two Fat Chicks.

Thanks for the tip Aaron.

Normal Service Resumed

Ing-ger-laaand just lost 7 for 46 to be all out for 341.

Ear muffs on kiddies! Collingwood Slattery points us to a Colourful Spleening

Hey Dude! That's My Car!

Supersmart science geek Aaron has a Picture of my Car. That's the one there. Look! The little silver number behind the yellow car behind the beehive. I'm sure it's mine. I could be mistaken. I'm on my way to the Pumphouse to kick arse at Tuesday night Trivia.

On second thoughts, what's a beehive got to do with measuring temperature? Or the funny looking rubbish bins? And as for the toolbox? C'mon Aaron. Now you're stretching it. Do screwdrivers measure Fahrenheit or Centigrade? And what the hell does the big E measure?

Sigh. So many questions.

Seminole? It's American for Jackpot.

Country cousin Cracker is struggling with the Impending Litigious Conundrum (Not to mention political) that may arise when big city law firms start to connect gambling with Indians.

They shouldn't bother. Cracker reveals a much bigger pay-off than Big Bingo.

How so? Indians and junk food of course. They invented potato chips. They Did! I swear! (A lot)

Therefore, I suggest we give up on trying to ping Casino Tonto for stinging a gullible public. You play. You lose. Bad luck. Idiot tax.

Time to go for the mother lode. There has to be a packet in Fatsploitation!

Let's stick it to Big Fat! Everyone eats, so let's mount a case against Indians for cruelty to arteries.

Time to get well!

NB: I meant to post this yesterday but Blogger was toying with my head.

Marvellous blog that!

Gareth Parker alerts us to a Brand New Cricket Blog. This is very good.

Personally I've been meaning to blog more about the great game but somehow always end up out drinking. This is very good too. A guy's gotta have priorities. (You'd think they'd go together?)

Anyhoo, I love reading about cricket so welcome to the Blogget pitch Tragic. No doubt it won’t be long before you take Tony Grigs’ head off with a Boon Bat ($500 Unframed).

I must point out, however, that Griggy is from Sarth Efrika, not Seeth Efrika.

This One was NEVER going to go unmentioned.

An enthusiastic Melbourne letter writer Mentioned It.

A Sydney journalist Mentioned It.

A Perth resident with a big chemistry set Mentioned It.

And, errrr, I'm mentioning it.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading Alan Wood machine-gun Peter Green in todays' Oz. I usually don’t take any notice of Garrett (Midnight Oil suck too) but it was revealing to find out what a pinhead he is....

”In short, all problems are solvable, just have faith”

Sounds more like a toilet-trading George Michael. Maybe there is some haphazard logic in the green cause? I now eat tuna free dolphin. Overall though, it’s amazing what a monstrous exaggeration it’s all become.

Unfortunately, Alan Wood, in exposing this genetically modified canard inadvertently admitted to a far greater sin than being green.

Yep. You guessed it. What the hell was he doing watching Sixty Fuckin' Minutes?!?

There's a new scribe nailing up his shingle here in ole Blogtown. Welcome to Nevertheless. Despite the fact he's got Tube loitering friends named Carrot (Julien?) and Snookie, this town's big enough for everyone. I've got no idea what he's going to write about, but it appears we occupy the same intellectual high ground....

"I will no doubt from time to time be overtly cynical, unfairly critical, and grossly inaccurate...."

Hey! Just like me. And what do his friends think of his ideas?

"A website to air your fatuous, beery, nicotine-hazed opinions.

Uncanny!

And I'm sure Stephen won't dodge the deeply philosophical "issues du jour"....

"If Plato is a dog, what kind of animal is Goofy?

I say he's a horse.

On The Couch this morning Jill Singer failed to make any sense at all. Nothing new there, of course. She was, however, the cause of this little exchange at Richmond Mansions....

Tony: "Jesus! Jill's shrill today."
Bernice: "I didn't realise it was Jill until I heard her being shrill."
Tony: "Jill's often shrill."
Bernice: "Jill's a dill."

Say no more!

Greatest Picture Ever? - What choo talkin' 'bout Kitt?

Today in the Sunday Age (Sorry, no link) Michelle Grattan tried to pump prime the Robert Dean issue. C'mon Michelle, in case you hadn't noticed the VEC gave him the flick.

He's not there anymore!

If the affair had been just a stuff-up that would have been one thing. If misrepresentation was involved, it is another matter....

I take it you mean misrepresentation by Robert Dean? The guy who got the sack? The guy who's not there anymore? The guy who no one will have to vote for? The private citizen?

That distinction, however, isn't something Robert Doyle wants to focus on.

Well, der.

Indeed he did not seem interested in such niceties when interviewed by The Sunday Age. Quizzed whether Dean had lived in the house, Doyle said he hadn't asked him.
"Why would I? I mean, what would be the point of that?"

Exactly.

If it was suddenly disclosed that your right-hand man might not have been a fool but possibly in breach of the law, wouldn't your instincts be to question him?

Presumably he DID ask him the following….

Doyle - "Deano, did you stuff up?"
Dean - "Yep."
Doyle - "Bugger. You're sacked then!"

Not much more to ask is there?

The Liberals explain thus: they’ve asked the electoral commission to investigate and Dean is no longer in the parliamentary party.

Good work by the Libs. Please Michelle, enlighten me as to why this may be a bad thing.

John Howard, who used to like to lecture about standards, dismisses the affair as “yesterdays’ story”.

Sorry Michelle? Don’t spin off into a pop at the PM. Dean broke the standards and the VEC and Doyle sacked him. Due process, duly followed. You should be cheering.

Warning! This post contains Irony! (And traces of Schadenfreud.)

Well, it just keeps getting Better!

Ian Collins declined to comment last night on any aspect of the AFL investigations.

I'll bet he did.

Back in 1999 Melbourne accidentally found themselves over the salary cap and it was none other than AFL Operations Manager Ian Collins who arbitrarily donated the Demons No.4 pick in the national draft to perennial problem child Fremantle as a repayment for their losing Jeff White to Melbourne.

BUT, who caused the Demons to be over the salary cap? Freo. That's who.

On entering the AFL at the end of 1994 they threw large incentives at, among other Melbourne players, David Schwarz, David Nietz, Steven Tingay and Gary Lyon. Melbourne in turn had to overlap the salary cap in order to hang on to these stars. Subsequently, Schwarz, Tingay and Lyon all incurred long term injuries in the 1995 pre-season and virtually had their careers ended. If Melbourne had let them go they'd probably have been better off.

The AFL has since distanced itself from this move with the blithe admission that it was the wrong thing to do.

However, why would the AFL do such a bizarre thing as to admit fault?

It’s probably NOTHING AT ALL to do with the fact that when Melbourne player Jeff Farmer went to the Dockers at the end of last year Fremantle were cheating the salary cap and the AFL didn’t want to strip struggling Freo of a draft pick. Apropos to that, let’s not forget that it was from Freo that Melbourne initially picked up Farmer in return for low rent plodder Phil Gilbert.

So if Ian Collins is to become the target of some heavy duty book throwing then I say to the Demetrius & The Jacko; ”What are you waiting for? Get on with it! Just make sure they’re big books.

Disclaimer: Tony the Teacher is definitely, maybe, almost possibly not even at all, a member of the Melbourne Football Club.

Finally I remembered. Time for a NEW Record of the Week.

Here's a Review. It's enthusiastic but stupid.

"Sly in my opinion could be a motivational speaker, and this song can motivate anyone to get through life in general."

Obviously the reviewer doesn't realise that Sly long ago teamed up with Sid Barrett and Roky Erickson.

Here's Another Review. Pretty solid, but I don't know who they're trying to kid by leaving out There's A Riot Goin On. Here's something on Riot.

Here's another, more succinct, review of Stand - Tony the Teacher, who ultimately prefers it to Riot, says....

"A stone groove classic from Crazy Sylvester. Buy it!"

That's an order!

Danger Will Robinson! Bigger AND Scarier.

YOWZAH! Beware the freak!

Holy fuck! Courtesy of Robert Dean afternoon tea was fun yesterday....

"Hey Tony, did you remember to enrol to vote?" "Ha fuckin' ha." Head down.

"Hey Tony, that's fucked the Liberals hasn't it?" Pick up paper.

"Hey Tony, Bracksy'll shit it in now." Read paper.

"Hey Tony, the Libs are a rabble." Read paper. Hard.

"Hey Tony, you gonna run for Treasurer?" Read paper. Very Hard.

"Hey Tony, is this gonna change your vote?" Snap "Yeah. I've suddenly gone stupid. I'm voting Labor."

Jesus! All this from a bunch of morons who wouldn't know a Gerrymander from a Salamander. Thank Christ today's my day off.

Mon Dieu! I'm a French gun. At least, I THINK it's a gun?!?

Which Firearm are you? Brought to you by Stan Ryker

This from an armed Anderson. Hope he doesn't get angry.

This one's too good to ignore.

Seems all the passengers and crew went green at the gills while circling the Carribean on a holiday Cruise Shit, errr ship....

About 600 workers spent more than 10 hours scrubbing down the ship before it departed on another 10-day Caribbean cruise Monday evening.

Visualise that. Imagine the smell. I feel queasy.

Ahhh, Conrad. You rascal.

Bernice is not pleased with you. She doesn't think that dumping your frail On-Blog is a very nice thing to do. She's a delicate petal so she shyly asked me to pass on the following....

Message.

I'm not best gruntled about my lack of Ominosity. In fact, it looks like it might seem to appear that I'm possibly a potentially rather boring sort of person.

you have an ominosity quotient of four. you are probably somewhat ominous. maybe. Are you Ominous?

Via the largely troubled VodkaPundit, the generally threatening Weekly James, the possibly dangerous Gweilo Diaries and the the allegedly fractious Kathy Kinsley.

Jesus! God! Hell! Here's a first. Some Kiwis Left Australia!!

The naval frigate Kiri Te Kanawa (or something like that), with 177 crew, will sail immediately from off the coast of Western Australia....

177 crew? Always thought the New Z'lund Navy comprised a couple of Maori matelots brandishing shot-guns and riding surfboards.

Gotta hand it to Conrad. First he Blogs an....

In-house Erotic Moment.

Then he dumps his latest squeeze....

On-Blog.

That's style! Looks like she may need to get her jollies....

Somewhere Else.

Speaking of cricket, seems Tim Blair Let A Straight One Go when he shouldered arms to this juicy delivery...

"David Marr should be replaced as host in 2003 by someone not from the ABC-Fairfax Axis of Evil."

ABC-Fairfax Axis of Evil?!? That's a Matthew Hoggard short, wide & slow sitter screaming out to be spanked into the ABC-Fairfaxis of Evil.

Wasn't the cricket good? Let’s see what the lads back home had to say....

This yesterday from a buoyant Mike Walters in Der Spiegel....

"GLOATING is a congenital disease common among Australian cricket-lovers, and it has become especially virulent during Ashes series over the last 13 years.
Symptoms include smart-alec taxi drivers, gobby waiters and complete strangers recycling old, unfunny jokes about the royal family; You know Prince Charles can't bat but Camilla Parker Bowles."

Sadly for Mike....

This from El Guardian today....

"Knowing they had 47 overs to withstand today, their second innings began badly with Michael Vaughan falling to the third ball of their reply when he was adjudged to be leg before to Glenn McGrath by umpire Rudi Koertzen to a delivery which appeared to be bouncing over the top of the stumps."

Nasser Hussain wasn't out bat pad in the first innings and caught behind in the second.

The Times....

"The one bright spot for England was Andrew Caddick again ripping out the Australian captain for a cheap score. Caddick, in his fastest spell of the match, had Waugh caught at slip for 12."

An enormous difference it made too.

Remember that joke about the FIVE-DAY test match Mike? Yes, they used to go that long.

I warn every Aussie cricket follower. NEVER EVER feel sorry for the Bath Dodgers!

This morning courtesy of On The Couches....

Barrie Cassidy....

Just finally, Craig Emmerson also accused John Howard of being anti-Asian, he says that the leopard never really changed its spots. Do you share his scepticism of the PM?

Laurie Brereton....

Well, I don't think that, in saying that, he said very much differently to what a number of people have said over recent years, myself, Kim Beazley and others. I think that perhaps a bit too much has been made of that. But it does indicate where the debate is in Australia, that there's been such a sharp reaction to it. But, if you look lack back at the record and the things that each of us has said in turn, ever since John Howard's initial comments on Asian immigration back in the 1980s, there's nothing all that new about what Craig had to say in his paper delivered in Australia the other day.

Barrie Cassidy....

What, because you suspect he is anti-Asian?

Laurie Brereton....

Well, the point I'm making is that there's a debate going on in Australia and I think the goal posts have moved a fair bit and I think the stark criticism, the sharp criticism, of Craig these days needs to be seen in the light of his comments being not all that different from a whole range of reflections that go right back to the time of the Hawke and Keating Governments.

Looks like the ALP have decided on their latest policy. Get Mark Latham, Anthony Albanese and now Craig Emmerson to make inflamatory comments that may find some bite in the electorate, then have senior figures Simon Crean, Kevin Rudd and now Laurie Brereton distance themselves from the comments without actually disagreeing.

The abridged version....

Barrie: "What so you think he's anti-Asian?"

Laurie: "Well, let's just say I'm not saying that he's not anti-Asian."

It's Ok Laurie, we know what you mean.

Yesterday in The Age there was a debate (Of sorts) about The Debate. Under a headline of The Verdict the paper asked four Victorian pundits their thoughts. (Sorry, can’t find a link)

Neil Mitchell of 3AW thought Doyle won narrowly….

Doyle started badly, settled quickly, finished strongly. Left strong lines hanging...unions, health, govt advertising. Snap answers better. Successfully patronised Bracks. Bracks relied on attacking Kennett history. Was wordy and inarticulate. Weaker summary. Neither had a great deal to sell.

Virginia Trioli of 774 ABC thought Bracks won easily….

Surprisingly good. If TV's about image Bracks looked better, performed better. Doyle struggled to match Bracks confidence...read his notes too much. Doyle scored points on govt advertising and with his comment on Bracks; ”Nice bloke...not getting enough done.” Bracks started well, got better. Hammered Doyle on Upper House reform and a possible coalition with the Nats. Doyles' homilies fell flat. Bracks will come away feeling good.

Nick Economou thought it was Doyle in a close one….

Bracks was nervous and defensive. Unable to pin any (alleged) inconsistencies on Doyle.

All in all, Mitchell zeroed in on the issues. Economou was more concerned about what was not said and Trioli with how what was said was being said.

BUT, why was The Age using Nicola Gobbo if this is the sort of rubbish she offers up? It’s not as if she’s a recognised commentator.

Nicola Gobbo, a Melbourne barrister, thought Bracks won easily….

I found it a remarkable comment from Doyle when he said he was proud of the liberal Party record in relation to the health system, when that included sacking 200 nurses and the closure of hospitals.

I thought that the idea was for her to comment on the debate, not whether or not closing hospitals is a good idea.

Bracks came across as a sincere and self-effacing leader compared with Doyle who seemed self-congratulatory and gratuitous in relation to direct questions.

Pity the other three didn’t see it that way, but according to Nicola, Doyle’s a smug pig and Bracksy’s a wonderful bloke. Vote for him everyone.

A telling moment was when the two were asked if they could say anything positive about each other as a leader. Bracks agreed that Doyle had the qualities necessary in his view to be a responsible leader of a major political party. This was a generous response in comparison with Doyles’ patronising remark that Bracks was merely a ‘nice bloke’.

Yep. Doyle’s a pig, but Bracksy’s a great guy. However, according to the other three, this patronising remark went over well.

It gave the Victorians an opportunity to decide whether to trust a Liberal Party leader who offers no original thought and whose answers were evasive and lacking in substance.

Written and spoken by Nicola Gobbo for the Victorian Labor Party.

Sadly, once again The Age puts up a skewed article that doesn’t even try to disguise itself as informed opinion.

There can be no doubt about it. We now know for sure that James Morrow MUST be a war blogger ready for action. He's whacked on the Camouflage Colours.
Or maybe he just likes green. I didn't know there were that many shades.

As mentioned below, yesterday I was watching the cricket on telly and listening to it on the ABC. At one point Nasser Hussain was given not out to an appeal for a catch at short-leg. On the radio Jim Maxwell said something along the lines of it being close but a good decision. On the TV my first reaction was that it had hit pad/glove. In other words....Out.
Then as the replay started on the TV Maxwell said, "Here we go. We'll get a good look at it now." and the replay proceeded to clearly show the ball hitting Hussains' pad then his glove. To which Maxwell enjoined, "Yep, not out. Very good decision that."
The ABC radio commentary is a great source of entertainment for our blind community. However, was it absolutely necessary to start employing blind commentators?

Just listening to Jonathan Agnew on the cricket. He was talking about how he lived with Frank Tyson while here on a Whitbread Scolarship in 1978/79. What he didn't say was that in an England training session at my Bluestone Grammar he knocked out Mike Brearley in a practice session. I was standing behing the nets, about six feet away. Zing. Pretty quick was Aggers. Mind you, Brearley was no Viv Richards.

It's midnight. Call me Raffles and pass the jemmy. Time for theft.

I'm sure Bernice won't mind.

Anyhoo, she's posted a Bull Goose Film Site. This one involves fun for all the family. Kind of like Twister. Only fun.

I typed in the outrageously random name Tony Taylor. You know, the stupid name that has nothing to do with me. This one's Tony Taylor, the well known circus freak. Anyhoo, I came up with some interesting results.

Python Me. A Tony Taylor Called Wanda.

Violent Me. A Clockwork Tony Taylor.

Smug-rich-English-twat-who-swears-a-lot Me. Four Weddings And A Tony Taylor.

Sybil Me. The Third Tony Taylor.

Trivia Me. The Tony Taylor Who Knew Too Much.

My favourite Me. Carry On Up the Tony Taylor.

There's a new student Blogger in Poohtown. Vic. Welcome to The Adam Supermercado Project.

Teacher Tony will now point out what's wrong with his Blog.

The Atlanta Braves. Not good. Overpaid underachievers. Originally from Boston. Home of the Red Sox. Boston Red Sox that is. A team of rare romance with a wonderful sense of humour. They throw a mean seat too. BTW, that’s Red Sox Adam. Get my drift young fella? The Atlanta Falcons are bad/bad. At least under Jerry Glanville they were naughty/bad; and Elvis apparently went to all their games. On the other hand the Green Bay Packers are good. In fact they are more than good. They are true and right and proper. Just like another team with red socks Adam. The New Jersey Devils are bad, but only because I don't like Ice Hockey. "He shoots, he scores!" He did? I musta blinked.

Gary Numan - Ack! "Here in my car...." Eep!

Chickempron Submarine - What the hell's that?!?

"I feel safest of all...." Urk!

He also watches Prisoner. Try sixties cult paranoid spy sizzler, THE Prisoner instead. He thinks Mott The Hoople is disco!?! Whoosey, whatsits?!? Disco?!? I think you mean The Sex Pistols. And he doesn’t like cricket. That’s very very bad.

There’s plenty to like though….

Adam dislikes teenage boy wank skank Christina Aguilera. Quotes from Derek & Clive. Dumps on babbling shit music shills 3MMM. Thinks the State Govt. ads are stupid.

"I can lock all my doors...." Ahhrg, that song!

He attends Swinburne University of Technology. As did I young man. There he studies Megaphone Aggression. Where are the flag burners? Swinnie’s slipping. He also loathes the loosely labelled comedian?, Vince Sorrenti. That’s kind of like the loosely labelled Everybody? Loves Raymond. He watches Fox News and likes the look of Greta Van Suss. This is good.

He also follows The Wombles. What a good boy!

"It's the only way to live...." Stop that!

Best of all though he follows The Demons. Therefore, any future sin he may commit will henceforth be written down to youthful exuberance.

This is, undeniably, a young man of rare quality. Who said todays’ students were stupid. I guess he’s lucky I've never taught him.

"In cars...." That’ll do Gary. I’m going now.

And of course our own newspapers...

The Age....

England coach Duncan Fletcher did not overstate matters when he said: "We didn't play good cricket today."....Ponting was surprised by England's decision to bowl first

Ponting wasn't the only one.

The Oz....

England coach Duncan Fletcher said it was a joint decision between him and captain Nasser Hussain to bowl

Nice of the coach to accept some of the blame.

The Herald Sun....

NASSER INSANE

Say no more.

The question had to be asked......so let's see who's asking it.

Gareth Parker's....

HOW COULD the Poms send us in?

Tim Blair....

NASSAR HUSSEIN, the England cricket captain, won the toss prior to the First Test against Australia. And he sent Australia in to bat. This might rank among the greatest blunders in the history of sport.

Tim's covered the tabloids and The Guardian, let's see what the quality press are saying....

The Sun....

Australia took advantage of Nasser Hussain's surprise decision to field on the opening day.

The Mirror, evoking the essence of some dooble entendration that Eric Idle would only nudge, nudge at....

A harrowing horror story for Nasser Hussain. His extraordinary decision to insert Australia at the Gabba after winning the toss backfired dreadfully....

After Grog Blog Picayune....

Nasser Hussain wins the toss and sends us in, for cryin' out loud.

Yep. Everyone agrees then. Nasser Hussain wins the longest running award in international sport, the Invasion Russia - Perpetual Trophy.

Teaching! Phew! Tough gig! And a hot day at the ole white-board to boot.

Only one solution. Beer and cricket. Straight into the car. Straight onto 774. THAT'S not something I say every day!

1 for 268. Great.

No really. It is. I've no hankering for a close contest. The Poms time'll come again. And when they finally win an Ashes series they'll ABSOLUTELY give it to us! Remember the first Test in 1997? They won by nine wickets and their papers; sorry The Sun, The Mirror and El Guardian went berserk. Let's lap it up while we can.

So permit me a bout of pre-hatched chicken counting.

It’s the first Test of a new Ashes series. Nasser Hussain wins the toss and sends us in, for cryin' out loud. The Poms haven’t done that since Len Hutton in 1954. Then we only made a measly 500 in the first innings.
Today the Aussies were 2 for 364 at the end of the first day! Jones has done a knee. Out for six months. Gough’s ALREADY got a bad knee. Who knows when he’ll be right. Flintoff had a hernia operation about a month ago. The selectors are upset that he isn’t ready. If Vaughan bats like he fields he'll get run out without facing a ball in BOTH innings.

Jesus Bloody Johnston! Good start!

To quote Jonathan Agnew, err, that’d be Aggers, regarding the Bath Dodgers’ day in the field….

”It’s bordering on the impossible to describe”

Even umpire Morgan Freeman couldn’t stifle a massive yawn!

Things are looking up though. I’ve got a day off tomorrow. Cricket & beer all day.

Like I said. Teaching's a tough gig.

I meant to blog yeterdays' piece from Goody Shanahan but I went out drinking instead.

No biggee. Ando did The Honours.

"It is part of a worldwide crisis in masculinity," Says the AEUs' Dennis Fitzgerald

Not so fast Comrade! The Navy Blue skirts we wear now look very sharp indeed.

And according to Goody....

...we are facing a crisis in pedagogy

Personally, I think us Pedagogs are chugging along Ok here in Teacherland.

Pssst Ando. What's a Pedagog?

What the..?!? Hurry up will ya!

Ever since I linked Tim Dunlop pages take about 5 minutes to load.

Then again, maybe it's just a coincidence.

Just found out that the Bubble Headed Boobys' Bully died this morning.

My favourite episode? Easy.

The one where Dr Smith came up against his alter ego. An evil, black clad, intergalactic gunfighter. Superb.

Tim Dunlop seems to think the latest Melbourne radio ratings are a good reason for a gloat and wonders why they Don't Rate a Mention.

Well, hang on a moment there Tim. What's your point? Why would they?

774 ABC Melbourne, has always been an A Grade player in Melbourne radio. As far as talk radio is concerned it's regularly been within spitting distance of it’s only real Melbourne talk competitor, 3AW.

To suggest that the ABC are somehow showing better figures (Up 0.6) because they’re doing better (less biased) radio is just silly.

So what do the Figures actually show?

For me, Red Symons (Up 1.3) is preferable to Lynne "Bore me back to Sleep" Haultain, but the others are doing the same old schtick.

Jon Faine's clever, but smug, and still polishes his Auntiques (Up 0.6). Among other things.

Derek Guille does a quiz (Up 0.5). We all love a good trivia session. I just wish so many idiots wouldn't ring up and straight away ask for clues to tough questions like "What colour's a red apple?".

Virginia Trioli does whatever it is she does (Up 0.2). Talk about things, and other things and, err, stuff.

Whoever does nights does something (Down 1.3). I’m not sure what, though, because I never listen to it.

The real story's at Bank Street though. AW’s down 2.0. Is this finally because people are finally starting to catch on to what a crap station it really is? Gozillions of ads don't help. Talkback flooded by slack-jawed, toothless simpletons can't help either.

If you ask me, and even if you aren’t, I'll tell you, Stevenson & Banks/Burns (Down 1.3) are in a rut. Same ads at the same bloody time! Same segments at the same bloody time. Irritating guests at the same bloody time. Hell bells! Ross Stevenson will even give us some gratuitous rhyming slang at the same bloody time. Do something different! Just ONE bloody time!

Neil Mitchell is painful (Down 2.2). And that theatrical concerned sigh! Sigh.

Ernie Sigley laughs too loud (Down 3.3). He’s boring.

Stan Zemanek is stupid (Down 1.6). Boring too.

Phillip Brady & Bruce Mansfield are nigh on senile (Down 2.4). Yep. Boring.

And all the while, the ads, the bloody ads. Enough. Stop the ads.

So, it strikes me that there aren’t too many more folks out there in radio land eagerly tuning in to “bias free” 774, but there are scads of disenchanted listeners jumping screaming from 3AW and landing with a splatter all over the dial.

So, we're off to an Election Here in Poohtown. Vic. On the VERY first day one could be called, no less.

Hang on a tick. Whatever happened to Four Year Terms?

Mr Bracks said other constitutional changes would mean Parliament would have fixed four year electoral terms.

“It will bring to an end speculation about when future elections are going to be called. The climate is right for change and there is a clear and compelling need for it”, Mr Bracks said.

Shhh. Not yet.

Can't work out if Conrad's a Jimmy Buffett fan or not. Christopher Caldwell's Not. And neither am I. Buffett's no better than Michael Murphey, Mac Davis, John Denver, Stevie Forbitt or any of the other light-weight, light-beer pop folkies.

It's appalling stuff! Margaritaville is just irritating.

As someone once said to me: "The Greatful Dead for drunken lawyers".

Anyway, enough of that fraud.

If you want to listen to an album of REAL, proper, honest to goodness, glass and a half full cream country/rocky/folky/drinky/funny songs look no further....

Have Moicy by Michael Hurley, Jeffery Fredericks and the Clamtones and The Unholy Modal Rounders

A country/folk/rock pizza with the lot. Along with the ham, pineapple and anchovies it comes with...

Bank robbing, talking insects, fatty hamburgers, heart attacks, jail, beer, wine, eating, smoking, shitting, crying, fighting, bar stools, beer goggles and the Klan.

Get it!

I’m stuck for something to write about. Hmm, I’ll think I’ll just chuck a cork at the bookcase and write about whatever it is that the book that gets corked is about.

Aussie fillums! Ack.

Hang on! I’ve got a half-formed something-or-other already written up. Where is that thing? Click. Click. Open. Ahh, yes, that’s the one…..

Tonys’ aunt worked at the Australian Film & Television School in North Ryde during the 70’s so I got to hear about and see a lot of Aussie films from the period. Of course, she had to curtsy to a statue of Phillip Adams on the way in the door. I don’t think she minded though, you see, she was the family lefty. The red sheep of the family if you were. She even worked at the ABC and SBS.

Apparently Peter Weir was a clever clogs and Rolf de Heer a very naughty boy. Good boys don’t make Bad Boy Bubbys.

Anyway, many of these films were watched on video….before video arrived no less! Great big clunking things. I remember one Easter. About 1977 I think. My brother and I watched around 25 Aussie films in five days. I can’t recall the names of many, some were shorts, but I do remember that one was called Pure Shit and was about junkies. The bikie losing his head in Stone shocked us and we had no idea what Picnic At Hanging Rock was about. We also watched Play Misty For Me. That one starred true blue Clint Eastwood and I didn’t recognise the Aussie coastline. There were plenty of shockers too. For every Mad Max there were loads of Naked Alvins or The ABC of Caddies. Appalling offerings they were. At least now they know where to point the camera. I think.

The one thing that struck me about many of them though, and many since for that matter, is that they were all targeted at a singular group of people. The Brunswick Street crowd, professional ethnics, Aborigines, the AFI. As I said, a singular group. It’s almost as if the makers thought that to release a film that Billy Tapbeer and Rachel Beanbag might enjoy would be beneath them. Personally, I’ve never thought that the plight of the gay, black, drug addled, tuna free dolphin was great grist for a filmic magnum opus. I just want to spend a couple of hours being diverted. Not reminded about what a lame life I lead or what a bad person I am.

Many Aussie films seem to be about ensuring ones' AFI pension and garnering a lifetime supply of free invites to The David Stratton Ingmar Bergman Memorial Lectures, or failing that A Chat With Lawrie Zion.

Heaven forbid you get a ticket to Rob Lowing Presents.

Oddly enough, you’d think that the 70’s would have been a practice run for quite a few better things today, but they’re still churning out rubbish. Wogboy, Falafell, Mullet, Dish, Love & Other Cats, Holy Smoke, Looking For Alibrandi, Head On, etc.

If they were any good I would watch them again when they show up on Foxtel, which unfortunately they will. But they’re not. So I wont!

Winona employs the OJ Defence....

"I'm innocent I tells ya. I wuz framed!"

There's got to be a movie in this!

Iran Iraq? Pakistan India? Palestine Israel?

Nope. Schoolyard scuffles.

Here's a SERIOUS Border Dispute.

And this one's over something far more important than the right for Israel to exit in a sea of Muslim intolerance and hatred.

Gold Coast City Mayor Gary Baildon said a border change would solve the region's daylight saving woes.

Go Gary! At least your cows won't have to adjust their sleep patterns.

Editorialising on the news? What?!? Never! Well make up your own mind about this one from the 7:30 news on 3AW this morning.

"According to a poll from Gary Morgan, if a state election were called today Labor would win comfortably with a two party preferred result of 55 percent to 45 percent.
Last year the Morgan Poll predicted a land-slide win to Kim Beasley in the Federal election."

Apart from supplying them with dodgy numbers, what's Gary Morgan done to upset the Bank Street newsroom? It's not as if they have to use them.